Tag Archives: arrest

I was there to buy drugs?

16 Oct

October 16, 2013

ME: “Drugs? You think I’m buying drugs???? I don’t do drugs! Give me a drug test!”
OFFICER: “I’m not giving you a damn drug test. License and registration.”

How did it come to this?

As longtime readers may know, I live in Brooklyn New York (home of lots of hipsters) but the Company I Am employed by is based in Garden City Long Island (home of the guy who shot somebody at the Roosevelt Field Mall last week) so I have a long commute. In the morning it can take anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. In the evening, it can take anywhere from an hour to ∞.

So I had a really long day and I was driving on the Southern State Parkway and I realized that I was starting to nod off, not a good thing to do when you’re driving. I knew I couldn’t go on like that (well actually I could, just not for long or in a way that would end well)  so I decided to get off the highway. I did not just pull off alongside the road. I remember how well that turned out for Michael Jordan’s father.

I got off at the next exit and once I was off the highway I was in a fairly nice residential area. There was an empty parking spot off a corner and I pulled in, leaned back the seat, and did not close my eyes. What am I, crazy, sleeping in my car like a hobo? (A hobo with a 2013 Subaru?) I leaned back, turned up the radio, and pulled out my iPod and played Plants vs. Zombies. All I needed was to relax for 10 minutes.

Ten minutes later, feeling a little better, I pulled the seat forward and pulled out of the spot. As soon as I did, I noticed a police car pull out from behind a clump of bushes and fall in right behind me. OK, that was weird, but I had no idea  he had any interest in me. So here I am, driving in some strange Long Island neighborhood where the streets meander and turn on themselves and I had no clue how to get back to the highway.

Actually, I knew exactly how to get back to the highway: make a U-turn and go back the way I came. But with the police cruiser, um, cruising behind me (forgive me for that lapse of creative writing) no way was I going to make a U-turn. I pulled over to make a call to my girlfriend and wait for the cops to pass by.

But they didn’t.

As soon as I pulled over the cops flashed their lights and told me to turn off the engine. I did so, rolled down the window, and put my hands on the steering wheel.

The cop started off bellowing and managed to get even louder as this went on.

“What are you doing here?”

I explained how I was tired, pulled off the highway, rested, and now I’m going home.

“Where do you live?”
“You live in Brooklyn but you come here to buy drugs?”


Remember, the cop’s half of the “conversation” was at about the decibels of a jet engine with a serious defect.

“Did you know that you parked in the biggest drug-buying corner of Long Island”
No I did not. “Drugs? You think I’m buying drugs???? I don’t do drugs! Give me a drug test!”
“I’m not giving you a damn drug test. License and registration.”

Until this point I wasn’t worried, not a bit nervous. No matter how much he yelled at me, I knew there was zero evidence I did anything wrong because- brace yourself- I did nothing wrong. There was no reason for him to issue me a ticket, let alone arrest me.

So I reached into my wallet, took out my license and
and I didn’t have my registration. My girlfriend had borrowed my car last week and she still had the registration.

Now I was worried. I gave the license to the officer, told him I didn’t have my registration, and offered to show him the insurance card.

He took the license and I braced myself to hear “get out of the car.” I was sure he was going to only give me a ticket non-registration but I was also sure he would try to scare me some more first.

But he didn’t. He gave me my license back and told me to “buy your drugs in Brooklyn.”

He also told me I could never go back to his town again. He followed me back to the highway, which I found only by sheer luck. He literally ran me out of town!

Two things saved me. One, when I took out my license, I very conspicuously flashed my NYC Detective’s Endowment Association card, which, take it from me, gets twice the respect of a PBA card, and two, on my jacket was my 911 Memorial police badge pin, which I was wearing on the side facing him.


So he knew he wasn’t going to give me a ticket- which he had every right to do since I had no registration- but he had to save face so he just kept on bellowing.

All in all it was an interesting ten minute rest.

Snooki. Hulk Hogan. Finger in Butt Crack: Important News Here. UPDATED!

1 Aug

August 1, 2010

A few things have come to my attention this last month but didn’t rate their own blogs.
Among them:

ONE: Jersey Shore star, no, lets make that Jersey Shore‘s featured sideshow attraction, “Snooki,” was arrested for being drunk and disorderly on a public beach:

I’m sorry, but “Snooki”? To me, “Snooki” is the nickname of a World War Two veteran who smokes stubby cigars and sits at the end of the bar until closing time. “Snooki” rode in a tank and still wears his helmet on Memorial Day. “Snooki” has a buzzcut and won’t drive a German car. This tan piglet doesn’t deserve to be called “Snooki,” much less than she deserves all the blog space I devoted on her. Moving on.

TWO: Finger in Butt Crack Sparks Knife Fight.

DALLAS – A Dallas woman touched her friend’s buttocks, sparking an assault and attempted stabbing, police said.

The alleged incident happened at an apartment in the 1700 block of Trade Winds Drive in the southern section of the city.

According to a police report, 22-year-old Laquita Mattox rubbed a finger along the victim’s butt crack, prompting her to clench her buttocks. The victim claimed the clenching caused the bed she was sitting on to break, angering Mattox.

A fight ensued in which Mattox repeatedly hit the victim before grabbing a butcher knife and threatening to kill her. According to the report, she said, “Are you ready to die?”

The alleged victim called police and the suspect fled, the report stated.

Officers found no visible injuries on the woman, who refused medical attention.

It was not immediately clear if police arrested Mattox.

Can you come up with a better headline? No. Freakin’. Way. You know it- if you saw this headline in your local paper you’d read the article. If the local news channel teased this story you’d sit through the commercials for it. And if you were me you’d be trying to fit “that’s a knife fight in my butt crack!” into your blog with minimal success.

THREE: Found on eBay- Hulk Hogan baseball glove.

Remember when you were a kid and your Dad took you out to play catch? Or maybe you recall your first game of catch with your son? Either way, baseball, the Great American Pastime, has inspired millions of youngsters with the love of their game, and everyone has their favorite player. Be it old timers like Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron, retired heroes like Keith Hernandez and Curt Schilling, or future Hall of Famers like Derek Jeter and Ken Griffey Jr., every generation has its own players to look up to.

So imagine the look of pride on Dad’s face when he goes out to play soft-toss and his son is wearing this:

Watchoo gonna do, when a line drive goes wild on you, Brutha?

To quote Shakespeare, by way of The Maltese Falcon, news like that, that’s “the stuff that dreams are made of.”


For those of you who thought you’d see Hulk Hogan with a finger in Snooki’s butt crack (or vice versa), I present you this picture of Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke:

Never play "smell my finger" with the Hulkster.

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