Tag Archives: Wrestling

The All-New Hell’s Kitchen, September 2010: C-List Celebrity Edition

24 Sep

September 23, 2010

Gordon Ramsey has returned to FOX television. Astute viewers may remember him from FOX television’s MasterChef, FOX television’s Kitchen Nightmares, and FOX television’s Gordon Ramsey: Cookalong Live. Despite being off the air for almost seven days, FOX is sure that Mr. Ramsey remains strong in viewer’s memories.

For this year’s edition of Hell’s Kitchen, Gordon Ramsey has again stirred the pot and created a stew of beefy competition. This season, Hell’s Kitchen competitors will be drawn from the world of former celebrities, has-beens, and never-weres.

Out first competitor comes from the world sex, drugs, and rock and roll. OK, mostly drugs. A lot of drugs. Here is…. Artie Lange!

Mr. Lange should provide some stiff competition, if he can remain sober. And alive.

Out next competitor is best, or only, known from the 80’s sitcom The Facts of Life, and nothing else since. We all remember nerdy Natalie, here is…. Mindy Cohn!

We all love Natalie, but where would she be without the rivalry of her snooty roommate Blair?

Yes, our next contestant is Blair Warner herself, Lisa Welchel!

Geri Jewell could not be reached for comment.

Returning to the men’s team, straight from the Soviet Union (via Roanoke Virginia), we have 1980’s WWF heel,  Boris Zhukov!

Staying with the theme of “sports entertainment,” we now move to the co-owner of a team that is neither competitive in sports nor entertaining, the New York Mets very own inept owner, Jeff Wilpon!

If history is any indication, Jeff Wilpon will be out of the competition early. Very early.

Moving back to the women’s side, or not, depending on your point of view, we have…. Divine!

Our next competitor may be our most controversial. He’s been in the news a lot lately, and we expect he’ll have a lot to say, here is…. Mel Gibson!

Mel has agreed to compete only on the condition of anonymity.

For our last two competitors, Gordon Ramsey has saved the best for last. This year, he has gone out of the box. Far, far out of the box.

We present…. Pepe Le Pew!

And, daringly, a kabuki mask!

Gordon Ramsey continues his streak of must-see television! In addition to the stars above, he’s even gone to the lengths of raiding the land of the dead!

Special bonus chef… John Belushi!

FOX television is proud to be the network of Gordon Ramsey, 52 weeks each year, non-stop. We hope that you will stay with FOX later this month for the premiers of Kitchen Nightmares: Mystery of the McDonald’s Grease, and Gordon Ramsey’s Junior Chefs, the competition for five to ten-year olds who like to play with fire.

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TAG! You’re Akeem!

25 Mar

March 25, 2010

I was tagged just recently. No. no one sprayed graffiti on me. This meant I was to go to the first picture folder on my computer and post the tenth picture in it.

No, that isn’t me.

However, in the early days of my computer life, when I was ignorant enough to think that, since AOL was pre-installed on my computer, I had to use it, that was my avatar.Why? Because back then I thought it was funny. And you know what? That stupid picture still makes me laugh.  (BTW- remember when you used to get about a thousand AOL discs in your mail, and the mailman had to deliver them hourly just to get them out of the post office, and you never had room for all your other important mail, like the envelope that had your 10% dry cleaning coupon?)

So that was my avatar and no, it isn’t even close to what I look like (my beard is much scragglier, and my faux-kufi is green) but I still got people popping up on the AOL instant messenger to tell me “I like your little picture.” That is why I eventually disabled the instant messenger.

Anyway, they guy in the picture was really a pro wrestler who called himself Akeem, the African Dream. Look again my friends, the guy is about as African as Tim Gunn but much less flamboyant. And that is really saying something when you see how he used to dress in the ring.

Anywho, how, whatever, Akeem used to be a tough guy called the One Man Gang. He dressed like a fat biker and had skulls on his outfit, tattoos, and a Mohawk.

Don’t ask me why, but in the world of pro wrestling that wasn’t good enough. They gave him a manager named Slick, (AKA The Doctor of Style)  and if you thought Akeem was offensive you should see Slick. (His theme song was “Jive Soul Bro,” and if you can stand to stick around to the end of this blog, you’ll get to see the video.)

Unbelievably, shockingly, fill in the blank with your favorite adverb, Akeem got over, meaning he was big with the fans. They even made toys of him, and if you can afford to bid almost $4 you can still get one on eBay.

By now, I’m sure you’re thinking “why am I reading this?” or “what’s in the fridge?” but if you’re like me you have to wonder who the Hell thought that a white guy acting like he was African (not African-American, actually from Africa, as you’ll also see if you stick to the end) with a pimp manager was a good idea.

It was this guy:

Before I go on, I feel that an apology is needed. After you see the next two videos you’ll know why.

Here, in all its five minute glory, is the birth of Akeem. I warn you, this is not for the faint of heart:

And lastly, here is the video to Jive Soul Bro.

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