Tag Archives: toilet

Writer’s Block #7: A Special Routine

6 Nov

November 6, 2013

Well, here I am again. Me vs. the page. Me vs. the blank screen. Me vs. writer’s block. Have I wasted enough time? Yep, once again I need to turn to our nation’s colleges and universities (I must be desperate) and look to the list of bizarre college essays for inspiration.

I didn’t find any, but here we go: Please describe a daily routine or tradition of yours that may seem ordinary to others but holds special meaning for you. Why is this practice significant to you? (Barnard, 2009)

Well, I don’t; really like to talk about this, but I guess maybe it will help me to unburden myself. Maybe it will help me to sleep at night.

One night, years ago, when I was young, my family was leaving the movie theater, capping off a great evening in which we had dinner at a fancy restaurant and saw the opening night of the Mark of Zorro. The city wasn’t as crime ridden as it is now, but even then there were some places you avoided.

It wasn’t too late, the alley not too dark, and our car was parked just across the street. We were happy and probably not paying too much attention or maybe we would never have gone down that alley, seen that man.

He stopped us.
Had a gun.
Demanded mom’s jewelry.
Dad took a step towards him.
The gun blazed.
Twice.
And I was an orphan.

I swore on their graves that their deaths would not go unavenged.  And every day I pass that alley and leave flowers amongst the cans of garbage and broken bottles and detritus of urban life.

What? Shit, sorry, that’s Batman’s story. I thought it sounded familiar. But seriously, that is a much better story than mine. You don’t want to hear it, it wouldn’t interest you.

What? Really, you do? It probably isn’t half as interesting as you think.

Ok, you asked for it. My special routine?

Every morning I get up early and read a book on the can. That’s it. It’s quiet and no one bothers me.

Hey, I’m no Batman.

 

batmanToilet_nlewis039

 

The Mad Toilet Bomber

10 Jul

July 10, 2013

I’m warning you, this post is gross and if you do not want to read about the disgusting things a disgusting person has been doing in the bathrooms in my office I suggest you go elsewhere. It’s a dirty story of a dirty man and I will- I must- be graphic.

May I suggest that this might be a good time to check out some pornography? If statistics are any indication, the average internet viewer is about to do just that.

Anyway, The Company I Am employed by is very professional. I work in a very professional office building in a very professional part of Long Island. I am on the top floor of that very professional office building, which is the part occupied by the most professional professionals. The top executives (of which I am not one, not even close) have their offices. Yet what has been going on in the very professional bathrooms is blatantly not professional. It is fucking disgusting. (Pardon my unprofessional French.)

Pretty much your standard bathroom, but WATCH OUT!

Pretty much your standard bathroom, but WATCH OUT!

For weeks, at various times of the day, I have entered the bathroom only to find that one of the stalls- and it can be any stall- has been rendered unusable by a very disgusting person. And when I say “unusable,” I do not mean that it is dirty or in any way describable by normal human standards. I mean that even a hyena in severe gastric distress would think twice before vomiting there. And this is the worst part- I am totally convinced that it is intentional.

If you wanted to render a toilet unusable, short of taking a sledgehammer and bludgeoning it into little porcelain shards, there is no more effective way of doing it than what this guy has been doing. Now bear in mind, I never took a long look at this, never had more than a quick glance as I passed by the offending stall, but even a fleeting glimpse was enough to burn it into my brain.

Plus it stunk to high heaven. Whoever is doing this must have some awful gastrointestinal issues.

First, this guy stuffs as much toilet paper as he can into the toilet, blocking it and stuffing it up. Then he takes the most unholy of all dumps right on top of it. If you are sticking with me this far, this next description probably won’t repulse you too much. What this man does on top of the toilet paper looks like he has taken hard, dry dog food- the lumpy kind- mixed it with water so that it made its own gravy and pours it almost to the very top of the bowl. If that came out of his bowels than I can only assume that he has very little time left to live.

Dry Water - Dog Formula

I’ve encountered this four or five times in the past couple of weeks. The only mystery is why the automatic toilets have not flushed. If they did, that gross crap would be all over the bathroom.

Does this guy have a beef with the janitor? And if this is not intentional, why isn’t this guy under strict medical care, or at least flushing more as he sits and shits?

This is easily the most disgusting thing I have seen in the bathroom, including the former coworker who used to stand at the urinal naked.