Tag Archives: Chicago

You Can’t Play Baseball Without Balls

16 Jan

January 16, 2014

The Chicago Cubs. Loveable losers of baseball. They have a great ballpark, albeit kinda rundown, and some great players over the years. but never a mascot. Until now. The Chi-town Cubs unveiled their first ever mascot yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, Clark the Cub.


Cute, huh? I’m not sure what “cute” has to do with being a MLB mascot. The Philly Phanatic is some sort of tongue-lashing beast, The San Diego Chicken is a fearsome warrior, and Mr. Met suffers from hydrocephalus. None of them are cute. So rightfully so, reaction among baseball fans has been clear and absolute: they hate the thing. And so they set out to destroy it. Deadspin.com started a contest to see who could deface the mascot in the funniest way, and trust me, there are many. Well, one stood, um , not head and shoulders, exactly, above the others, and was the clear winner. In fact, some local media was covering the mascot and somehow (and I really want to know how and who got fired) one of the Deadspin versions aired instead of the real one. Let’s watch and see how professional newsreaders handle the unexpected.

He’s friendly, he loves kids, he doesn’t wear pants. You can’t script this, folks.

In other news, Florida’s Billy the Marlin has been arrested for soliciting a prostitute.

Chicago Calling: Part One Week!

27 Dec

December 27, 2013

part one logo

from July 13, 2006

GreetingsChicagoHere I am in Chicago, the Windy City. The flight was pretty good and we got in early. In fact, the only problem was the guy sitting next to me.

He wasn’t annoying, and he wasn’t bothering me. If he didn’t SMELL LIKE A SEWER RAT I probably wouldn’t have noticed him.

Strangely, Stinky McStinkson was dressed in a fancy business suit. Oh, did I mention that he was an asshole too? He took off his jacket and wedged it, neatly, between his tray and the seat so that it was hanging neatly. Neatly, except that at least six inches of it dragged on the floor. It got stepped on by everyone walking through the aisle and every time, he brushed it off and put it neatly back down, then the merry-go-round would start again. A couple of times it fell on the floor and he put it back the same stupid way.

He had two books. One was Maverick Real Estate Investing. He never looked at that one. He spent the whole two hour flight reading- intently! – Father to Daughter. It was a fat book with huge print, fitting about 12 words on a page. 12 were too many. It was all Zen-like BS aphorisms like “She may be cute, but not too cute to throw food.” And “Take her for a walk in the woods. She may get a splinter, but youll get a tree of love.” I couldn’t stop peeking at it. People get paid to write that shit? And what kind of tools would read it? Isn’t that like a gag gift from Spencers?

The people in Chicago are really nice. When I got off the plane, a gentleman came up to me and offered to exchange all of my NY money for Chicago currency. He must have really taken me for a fool. He only offered two Capones for one dollar. I wasnt born yesterday. I haggled and got him up to four Capones. So I now have 1,000 Capones, which the nice man assures me are accepted all over Chicago. Heh, I really played him for a sucker.


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