Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

What do people know about Kim? We know that Kim pees her pants.

16 Jun

June 16, 2010

Hey folks, seen this commercial?

I’m no rocket scientist, but I think I may have a problem here. The ad asks “what do people know about Kim?” Here’s what we learn:

  • She does her own makeup.
  • She cannot set up a music stand.
  • She always forgets where she puts her “magic wand.”

“People know a lot about me,” Kim says, “but they don’t need to know about my condition. And thanks to Depend, they don’t.”

Really?

I would add “And thanks to Depend, they don’t. Unless they watch TV.”

Does this woman think no one will see this? Do none of her friends watch television?

And how ashamed is she of her condition? Enough to not want anyone to know, but not enough to turn down the money that comes for being a spokeswoman.

OK, the woman is no rocket scientist either, but what about the people who made the ad? Is this product targeted at people dumb enough to think that starring in a major television ad ensures privacy? If we are to assume “Kim” is real, then she must be a real moron. If we assume “Kim” is not real and just an actor, then the ad agency assumes the we must be real morons.

Here’s another ad, targeted at men:

“My Dad? People know a lot about Dad” We know:

  • not to let Dad set up a tent.
  • Then again, the guy can “start a fire with a wet sponge.” (Why doesn’t the commercial show that? THAT I’d like to see.)
  • He sure knows how to break up a party with a ghost story.
  • He’s “the glue that holds us all together.”

“People know a lot of things about me, but no one needs to know about my condition. And thanks to Depend, they don’t.”

A couple of things to note:
First, Dad comes off a lot better than Kim, who seems like a complete yutz.
Second, being unable to control your bladder on a camping trip doesn’t seem like much of a problem. You’re in the woods. Pee anywhere.

These commercials are credited to JNT NY, and Depend is so proud of them that they posted them on YouTube on their two-month old  YouTube – DependVideo’s Channel.

There are no comments on that page, but it has, believe it or not, seven subscribers.

Huh?

Of course, if you can’t control your bladder, I suppose you have more pressing things to worry about besides how a diaper ad insults your intelligence.

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I Attempt to Translate Facebook Status Updates.

12 Jun

June 12, 2010

Hi. Do you hate Facebook like me? Sure, we all do.

Yes, FB gives us plenty of reasons to hate it, like sharing all of our personal information with telemarketers in India. Sure, it owns all of our personal vacation photos so we shouldn’t be too surprised when our Hawaiian beach shots turn up in condom adds. And of course, FB games download so much malicious content into your PC that your hard drive would be better off infected with maggots, but none of those are the reason I hate Facebook.

I hate Facebook because it gives every illiterate pre-lobotomy nose picker the chance to show the world how stupid they are.

What follows are actual status updates I’ve found by trolling my friends’ FB pages and seeing the updates of people who linked to them. For the record, I have less than 2 dozen “friends” there, all of whom can spell both their first and last names, unlike this bunch.

What I’ve tried to do, where possible, is to decipher whatever the hell their status updates are trying to say, and wherever possible, make some sense of it.

Here we go. (Take a deep breath and a strong drink. Most of these are recent NYC high school grads.)

watchin transformers, love this movie.

OK, not really hard. The poster is watching Transformers, a movie she loves. Fair enough. But wait, she loves the movie, so she had to tear herself away from the movie to tell people that she is watching the movie? So she paused the movie, told people she was watching the movie, and went back to the movie? Or she was on the computer anyway during her favorite movie and decided to tell people she was watching the movie, which she clearly wasn’t while she was on Facebook? And who cares anyway?

Goin out 2 the city wit ma wife and niece…6ut first gotta drop 6y to ma sis to quench ma thirst.

Hmm. Here is a man with nothing to drink in his house. I’m not sure I’d be too proud of that.

wants to major engineering.

Really? So do I. but first tell me how you “major” something. I suspect the poster means “wants to do some major engineering,” which in this case must mean “make a big sandwich” because I’m not sure he’ll major “in” engineering.

in dha house chillin w| my one and onli x3 ily so much 🙂 yu brighten up my day love yu.

“I’m having such a wonderful time with my you, my love, be back in ten minutes after I jump on Facebook and update my status.” I imagine two people, in separate rooms in the same house, instant messaging each other back and forth. Ah, modern love.

i spend da day gettin my hair done n more shit pops off but i noe how u doin shit now o man imma violate u so bad jus keep it up keep it up………..

Is she mad at her hair?

why do those go back in life and not go foward if they know they’ve been hurt before, rather than to live the life they have now and be happy and settle for what’s infront of them????

This is one of those Back to the Future things, where you go back in time and your picture starts to fade, right?

I have to admit, this is harder than I thought. Anyway, you know all the rules about internet security, about how you limit access to your personal information and never give out certain info at all? This next person was asleep the nine thousand times she heard that message:

Nosey bitch stop fuccin bein concerned about shit that I do or make accusations about my friends … but ill let u noe something this since u wanna go play informa … I attend Medgar Evers College I work full time at Victoria Secret and I’m putting myself through a CNA course at Mannhattan Institute … I dont have no kids my boyfriend is in VA educated and making his money … NOW GO RUN TELL THAT BITCH!

This one made me laugh:

Good morning FB, I’m working on a Saturday. Its a good thing that i’m getting paid overtime for these hrs.

I suspect this guy starts everyday with “good morning sun. Good morning toothbrush. Good morning toilet.” You get the idea. I bet he gets punched a lot.

why do ppl say God has never failed me yet? he will never fail u so dot say “yet.”

God may not have failed you, but I bet your English teacher did.

I FEEL SO GUD TODAY…HAD A TALK WIT MY BABYFATHER’S MOTHER ND SHE MADE ME FEEL A LOT BETTER…EVEN THO IT TOOK ME A MINTUE TO TELL HER SHE IS HAPPY TO WELCOME MY BABY N HER FAMILY….LMAO AT DONNELL UR ON MOMMYS SHYT LIST.

I had to make a flowchart for this one:

status flowchart

That’s it. Time for two Advils and back to bed. This gave me a raging headache.

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