I Attempt to Translate Facebook Status Updates.

12 Jun

June 12, 2010

Hi. Do you hate Facebook like me? Sure, we all do.

Yes, FB gives us plenty of reasons to hate it, like sharing all of our personal information with telemarketers in India. Sure, it owns all of our personal vacation photos so we shouldn’t be too surprised when our Hawaiian beach shots turn up in condom adds. And of course, FB games download so much malicious content into your PC that your hard drive would be better off infected with maggots, but none of those are the reason I hate Facebook.

I hate Facebook because it gives every illiterate pre-lobotomy nose picker the chance to show the world how stupid they are.

What follows are actual status updates I’ve found by trolling my friends’ FB pages and seeing the updates of people who linked to them. For the record, I have less than 2 dozen “friends” there, all of whom can spell both their first and last names, unlike this bunch.

What I’ve tried to do, where possible, is to decipher whatever the hell their status updates are trying to say, and wherever possible, make some sense of it.

Here we go. (Take a deep breath and a strong drink. Most of these are recent NYC high school grads.)

watchin transformers, love this movie.

OK, not really hard. The poster is watching Transformers, a movie she loves. Fair enough. But wait, she loves the movie, so she had to tear herself away from the movie to tell people that she is watching the movie? So she paused the movie, told people she was watching the movie, and went back to the movie? Or she was on the computer anyway during her favorite movie and decided to tell people she was watching the movie, which she clearly wasn’t while she was on Facebook? And who cares anyway?

Goin out 2 the city wit ma wife and niece…6ut first gotta drop 6y to ma sis to quench ma thirst.

Hmm. Here is a man with nothing to drink in his house. I’m not sure I’d be too proud of that.

wants to major engineering.

Really? So do I. but first tell me how you “major” something. I suspect the poster means “wants to do some major engineering,” which in this case must mean “make a big sandwich” because I’m not sure he’ll major “in” engineering.

in dha house chillin w| my one and onli x3 ily so much 🙂 yu brighten up my day love yu.

“I’m having such a wonderful time with my you, my love, be back in ten minutes after I jump on Facebook and update my status.” I imagine two people, in separate rooms in the same house, instant messaging each other back and forth. Ah, modern love.

i spend da day gettin my hair done n more shit pops off but i noe how u doin shit now o man imma violate u so bad jus keep it up keep it up………..

Is she mad at her hair?

why do those go back in life and not go foward if they know they’ve been hurt before, rather than to live the life they have now and be happy and settle for what’s infront of them????

This is one of those Back to the Future things, where you go back in time and your picture starts to fade, right?

I have to admit, this is harder than I thought. Anyway, you know all the rules about internet security, about how you limit access to your personal information and never give out certain info at all? This next person was asleep the nine thousand times she heard that message:

Nosey bitch stop fuccin bein concerned about shit that I do or make accusations about my friends … but ill let u noe something this since u wanna go play informa … I attend Medgar Evers College I work full time at Victoria Secret and I’m putting myself through a CNA course at Mannhattan Institute … I dont have no kids my boyfriend is in VA educated and making his money … NOW GO RUN TELL THAT BITCH!

This one made me laugh:

Good morning FB, I’m working on a Saturday. Its a good thing that i’m getting paid overtime for these hrs.

I suspect this guy starts everyday with “good morning sun. Good morning toothbrush. Good morning toilet.” You get the idea. I bet he gets punched a lot.

why do ppl say God has never failed me yet? he will never fail u so dot say “yet.”

God may not have failed you, but I bet your English teacher did.


I had to make a flowchart for this one:

status flowchart

That’s it. Time for two Advils and back to bed. This gave me a raging headache.

7 Responses to “I Attempt to Translate Facebook Status Updates.”

  1. Thomas Stazyk June 12, 2010 at 4:49 pm #

    Exactly. Think about it. You come into work and one of your colleagues tells you something about their life along the lines of the average Facebook post, you would keep well away from them. And if they articulated that same mindless drivel in the way in which the average FB post is written, you’d call HR and ask why there hiring illiterates.

    The Declaration of Independence says that all men are created equal. It says nothing about them all being created interesting.


  2. TexasTrailerParkTrash June 13, 2010 at 12:53 pm #

    Great flow chart. I wonder what “The Diary of Samuel Pepys” would have looked like if he had written it on Facebook?


    • Thomas Stazyk June 13, 2010 at 7:00 pm #

      Probably something like:

      Day 1: More nasty shit 2 day!! Tons of ppl falling over with the plague. Wish dey cud find a cure b4 it gets my ass.

      Day 2: Bummer, cant go 2 the city today. I mean it’s effin burnin. Whats with that shit?


      • bmj2k June 13, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

        Nice! Keep it up!


      • TexasTrailerParkTrash June 13, 2010 at 9:24 pm #

        March 26, 1663: 5 yrs sense dat doc cut me cuz a honkin stone in ma kidlie. I noe where you live so u be watchin ur back imma violate u same way motha…


  3. Thomas Stazyk June 13, 2010 at 11:03 pm #

    This is from the original–I can’t improve on it:

    January 21 1663–“After that I had good discourse with a pretty young merchant with mighty content. So to my office and did a little business . . .”

    What can I say, the man was a visionary.


  4. bmj2k June 13, 2010 at 11:51 pm #

    One of you (or both) actually needs to post this stuff. It is too good to waste in my little comment section.


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