Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

My Review of America’s Got Talent

9 Jun

June 9, 2010

No, it does not.

Well, sort of. Depends on how you define “talent.”

(No, this is not a “depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is” Clintonian obfuscation. [Impressed with that? I am a  writer.])

America’s Got Talent is, logically, judged by two Brits. Why? Because:
A- It is based on a British show, where it was called “America’s Got Talent- British Edition.”
B- They gave us the Beatles and Led Zeppelin and we gave them Clay Aiken so they have a pretty big mad on.
C- We saved their butts in WWII and this is how they repay us?

Brit Number One is Piers Morgan, a Brit so nasty he insists that everyone call him “Piers” when the natural American inclination is to call him “Pierce,” or “hey you.” I like the guy but his name bugs me. 

BRIEF POINTLESS ASIDE:
“Piers” reminds me of the disused piers I photographed in Atlantic City, and the British accent reminds me of Doctor Who. “Disused piers,” in addition to being a good name for an album, together with the accent, remind me of Patrick Troughton worrying over a “disused Yeti” he thought he heard mentioned when it was really a “disused jetty.” And of course, jetties are piers, so you can see how my mind works. (At about 1/2 speed, frankly.)
END OF BRIEF POINTLESS ASIDE. BACK TO POINTLESS REVIEW:

Brit Number Two is Sharon Osborne, Ozzy Osbourne’s caregiver. Ozzy has long gone beyond the point of needing a wife, and Sharon Osbourne, much like Nancy Reagan to Ronald, is now left to take care of her once vital husband. Ozzy sometimes becomes lucid enough to sing “Crazy Train” while Sharon is now a full time celebrity.

Judge Number Three is actually American, Howie Mandel. Howie used to be a standup comedian, he claims. I have found no actual proof of that claim. We know him now as the parrot on Deal or No Deal. This season he replaces David Hasselhoff as the token American. While The Hoff was, arguably, usually drunk, Howie’s bald head makes him look like a penis, so it is a wash as to who is the better judge.

Nick Cannon is the host and I find him kind of funny on the show. Even funnier is the fact that he is married to Mariah Carey. I will not make fun of him. Move along.

The format of the show is simple. In fact, it is the same format as every other TV talent show, like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars, America’s Best Dance Team, Last Comic Standing, The X Factor, and Sig Hansens’s Celebrity Alaskan Crab Fishing. Acts come on and the judges either tell them they suck or pass them on to the next round. America’s Got Talent is unique in that, umm, gimme a minute, um, it has big light up “X’s” when the acts get buzzed. Yeah, the show really stands out.

The Talent. Ah, the talent. The show gets a lot of singers, and some of them can actually sing. Last week there was a group made up of formerly homeless veterans and they sang beautifully. This week there was a 49 year old Jersey goombah and his 72 year old dad. Could they sing? X

There are also dancers. One dancer pranced around with his puppy, who walked to the side of the stage and went to sleep. X

There was a guy in a metal suit who threw electricity around, a flame-throwing magician, and a half-blind woman swinging flaming swords. See a pattern here?

For the record, only the blind woman got the X because the judges were afraid they might get killed. The wusses.

There was a guy who played 4 harmonicas at once, a bad singer from New Jersey, if you can believe it, a drag queen who sang opera, and a couple of really bad white rappers.

There was a dog act, a magic act, and some guy who fell on the floor and pretended to have a stroke.

My favorite so far? The comedian who told this joke:

“My friend asked me what animal I’d like to be. I said an eagle. He asked me why. I said so I could sex with eagles.”

CROWN THAT MAN!  AMERICA’S GOT TALENT!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

My Review of Shrek Ever After in 3D

5 Jun

June 5, 2010

“We have to save them before they fandango into oblivion!”

(Don’t worry, I’ll explain later.)

Shrek 4 in 3D may be the most shocking film of the season. I was shocked to discover that a 3D film is $4 more expensive than a regular film, which already requires a credit check before you buy a ticket. Shrek 4 was also available in IMAX 3D, but having already taken out a lien on my car to buy popcorn, I saw the regular old 3D.

Shrek did not take advantage of  the 3D at all. Obviously, it was made in traditional 2D until someone saw how James Cameron pulled a fast one on the public with Avatar and Dreamworks pulled out the polarized lenses and viola! “3D.” Now everything will be in 3D, including your old vacation films and still no one will sit through them.

Before the film, the theater advised that “to stay green” would we please “recycle” our 3D glasses. They really mean “green” as in “money” because all they’ll do is Lysol them off and give them to the next guy (and I seriously doubt they’ll Lysol them off.) I look at the glasses as part of the ticket price so I kept them. I’m wearing them now as I type. Sure they look silly, but they are also giving me one heck of a headache.

Mike Myers stars as Shrek and he must have run out of ideas. Remember the Austin Powers where Austin loses his mojo and goes back in time to get it? Same thing here. In this film, Shrek/Austin has become a celebrated household name. Instead of fearing him, people cheer him. Instead of avoiding him, they take tours to watch him go to the bathroom. No, seriously, that was in the film.

Taking advantage of Shrek’s lost mojo is Rumplestilskin, and if you think I spelled that right the chances are one in ten thousand. He looks like a short, pasty gnarled version of John Lithgow but about a hundred times more handsome and less annoying. Rumpy tricked Shrek into signing a contract in which A- Shrek got to be an object of fear and loathing once again, and B- Rumpy got to erase the day Shrek was born. Why does he want to do that? The film opens with a flashback to a time before Shrek saved Princess Fiona, his half human/half She-Shrek bride. It seems that ol’ Rump Face was thisclose to getting the King to sign over the kingdom in exchange for curing his daughter when Shrek blundered in and cheesed the deal, thus causing Rump Rump years and years of living out of garbage cans with only his evil goose as a companion. Yup. A giant evil goose.

SPOILER WARNING- THE LAST FEW PARAGRAPHS CONTAINED SPOILERS

Well, as any fan of Back to the Future can tell you, Shrek returned to a future where Rumplewhatever was King, Fiona never met him, and Biff Tannen ran the biggest casino in town. To make things right, Shrek had to get Fiona to kiss him at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, a long shot seeing as how all the  ogres were being hunted down like Taylor and his crew in Planet of the Apes.

Other new characters in the film include a whole slew of new ogres who teach Shrek how to blow great blasts out of his, er, ears, and the Pied Piper, who plays the Beastie Boys’ Sure Shot on his flute, (I am not making that up)

In fact, the Pied Piper inspired one of my favorite lines in the film (OK, my only favorite line in the film): “We have to save them before they fandango into oblivion!” In the pretense of keeping this a fair and objective review, I will tell you only that Puss in Boots said it to Donkey as the ogres were forced to dance away by the Piper, but I will not tell you the song they danced to.

Does Shrek save the day?
Does Fiona fall in love with him again?
Did I almost spill my large coke all over my sneakers?
Of course. This is a Dreamworks film, not some sad post-war Russian art house flick.

Overall, this is a worthy addition to the Shrek oeuvre, and if you are as lucky as I was, it is even better seen from my favorite seats, top row, center. While the 3D may not have been used to much effect, I’m sure the IMAX was much the same, just on a bigger screen.

(Speaking of 3D, thank God they didn’t film Sex and the City in IMAX 3D. Those wrinkles would look like canyons!)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →