Tag Archives: monsters

In Search of… The Mummy of King Tut

25 Mar

March 25, 2011

 

In the annals of parapsychology, no creature has a greater basis in fact that the mummy. They do exist. Mummies have been discovered in nearly every part of the world, dating back untold centuries. They are on display in museums across the globe.

The most well-known, the Egyptian mummy, is the result of a complicated process. After death, the body was treated with certain chemicals designed to preserve it long after death, and wrapped in special bandages also soaked in chemicals to aid in preservation. The body itself is adorned with all the elaborate trappings of life. Pharaohs of ancient Egypt were interred in pyramids, huge testaments to their importance and the gateways to their new world, the afterlife.

Buried with the Pharaohs were gold, jewels, and more mundane items, all of which were their for their later use in the world after death. Most of the grand tombs of the ancients have long been found to be empty, looted by grave robbers willing to risk the curses associated with the tombs for the fabulous wealth within.

The most famous Egyptian tomb was discovered by Howard Carter in 1922. It was the most complete, fabulous tomb of the young Pharaoh King Tutankhamen who ruled from BC 1333 to 1324. Along with the jewels and treasure, Howard Carter also discovered sealed jars. When opened, they were found to contain the remains of King Tut’s organs. Mummies had them removed and carefully preserved to delay or avoid decomposition.

Much is known about King Tut. Renowned as the “fun pharaoh,” he ruled over a kingdom famed for song and merriment. In fact, a song performed by King Tut himself, “King Tut,” went to number two on the Egyptian charts, kept out of the number one slot by “Nile Delta Blues” by Pinetop Per-Kin-Ra.

The song was later covered by Lady Gaga-Ra in BC 1218.

The cause of Tut’s death is unknown, but it is speculated that he was assassinated by political enemies. What is known is that after his removal from his tomb in 1922, the mummy of King Tut was reanimated when a an assistant archeologist read from the scroll of Toth. Far from being the fun-loving King Tut, the reanimated pharaoh returned to life angered at those who betrayed him.

Parapsychologists have long hunted The Mummy. Sightings have them as far afield as Scotland, where he was allegedly photographed near Loch Ness in what has become known as the Surgeon’s Mummy Photograph. Yes, Loch Ness. It was a coincidence.

The creature is driven by rage. Researchers feel that The Mummy is a threat to all of humanity. Many amateur groups have tried to stop him but not even the most seasoned of meddling kids have been able to end his threat.

The Mummy is known to be devious and clever, and uses black magic spells and incantations. He has been kept alive by drinking the juice of nine tana leaves, a species indigenous only in the mythical realm of Thundera. It is there that he is often thwarted by a group of parapsychologists calling themselves Tundercats.

Many people scoff at the mummy. They put him in the same category as the Jersey Devil and the New York Mets. Proponents point to the lack of empirical evidence. They say that magic does not exist. They contend that Thundercats is a cartoon and Mumm-Ra and Tut are clearly not the same character. Despite a keynote address by Ardath Bey, noted Egyptian expert and producer of 1932’s documentary The Mummy, skepticism remains.

The motivations of The Mummy of King Tut are not always clear. Although classical Egyptologists are divided on his motivations, most hold that he has a specific set of goals. 1- To avenge his death. 2- To find the reincarnation of his lost love and claim her for all eternity. 3- Win the Indianapolis 500.

Other aspects of his personality are also well-documented. Despite his love of his native Egypt, King Tut is also fiercely loyal and patriotic to his adopted land. In 1939 he became a naturalized American citizen under an assumed name, Kharis von Imhotep of Sweden. When World War Two broke out he enlisted in the US Army.

A series of comic books detailed his exploits and made him a modern-day folk hero. However, he returned home only to find himself once again hunted by scientists and monster hunters. Bitter and rejected he turned once again to a life of evil, rededicating himself to destroying humanity.

Parapsychological research groups continue to monitor the world for signs that he has surfaced. Credible reports are often hard to come by. One of the last confirmed sightings came in 1967.

To finance his arcane rituals he turned to a life of crime. The arch-fiend was last spotted in Gotham City.

The violence in the Middle East and the uncertainty in Egypt have given new fears that The Mummy may be behind the chaos.

The menace of The Mummy cannot be overstated. If you spot The Mummy there are certain steps to take. First, make sure you are not looking at an accident victim. The Mummy is often mistaken for victims of car accidents. Next, do not, under any means, ask him for The Mummy’s autograph, and lastly, never stare at his Ankh.

In Search of… The India Monkey Man of New Delhi

12 Oct

October 13, 2010

This is the third in an occasional October series of reports about famous “monsters” and cryptoids. The Chupacabra Caper, er, report can be found HERE and Loch Ness Monster HERE.

New Delhi. Famous for pastrami for and salami, New Delhi, whose sauerkraut oh, sorry, That’s the New Delhi Deli on East 36th.

This New Delhi is the capital of India. It has a human population of over 179,000 and also a lot of cows. Everywhere cows! It is a city of beauty and culture, and no less an esteemed personage than Robin Quivers, (news hack and designated laugher for Howard Stern), upon stepping off the plane for a two-week vacation in India, declared “it reeks like Hell here!” and promptly turned back to the terminal and booked a plane for France. It apparently had a ton of flies too.

India! Land of beauty and culture.
India! Land of stink and flies.
We can all agree, it is a land of contradictions.

It is also the land of mass panic and general nuttiness. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce, the India Monkey Man!

No, not that Monkey Man, this Monkey Man, from actual police sketches:

In 2001, hysteria, fear, and panic swept the city. Residents believed that a steel-clawed, pants-wearing, button-pushing, helmeted monkey was after them. Really, they did. Seemingly random, a pattern soon developed in the mysterious attacks.

We are not talking about ordinary monkeys, which seem to run rampant across the city. This news article should illustrate the attitudes of both the people and the monkeys of New Delhi.

HOSPITAL EXORCISES “GHOST” MONKEY

NEW DELHI- Doctors at an Indian hospital are breathing more easily after a monkey trapped in its air-conditioning ducts was caught, the Hindustan Times reported.

 The monkey, which was trapped for three days, threatened large-scale contamination of seven operating rooms at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences in New Delhi before it was captured on Friday.

 Some on the hospital staff feared that the strange noises coming from the air-conditioning ducts were caused by a ghost. Then surgeons saw a small face and pair of eyes peering a vent during an operation.

Far be it from me to cast aspersions, but if I come down sick in India, get me on a plane to a Western country, pronto.

At any rate, we are not talking about normal monkeys which spook surgeons in hospitals. No, we are talking about some sort of alien monkey/human hybrid with the ability to turn invisible and wear pants. Not cute little circus monkey pants, some sort of devilish Evil Monkey pants.

To begin, here are some excerpts of an actual newspaper article chronicling the first Monkey Man attacks, with my own added emphasis:

2 dead, dozens hurt as panic spreads over night horror

Dozens of people in India’s capital city of New Delhi say they have been bitten and flayed by a mysterious steel-clawed monkey-man who strikes in the dead of night.

Monkey-man mass hysteria over the past 2 weeks has claimed 2 lives: a pregnant woman who fell down a flight of stairs when neighbors shouted that the beast had struck, and a panicked man who leaped from a roof.

His final words: “The monkey has come!

Descriptions of the monkey-man vary widely. Witnesses have said he is 4 feet tall with a hairy body and metallic claws. A few have reported he wears dark goggles and a helmet.

The media has printed suggestions on how to subdue the slippery simian:

“Shining a light on it scares it away. Its night vision glasses become ineffective.”

“You could also rob it of its gymnastic powers by throwing water on its chest- the creature’s motherboard heart, concealed beneath its black coat of hair, gets short-circuited.”

The monkey-man has been reported to wear pants.

He has three buttons on his chest. One turns him invisible, one turns him into a man, and the third gives him super-strength.

He has attacked people sleeping on rooftops or near open windows, scratching their heads and hands.

Police throughout India have set up night patrols, but have so-far been unable to capture the elusive creature.

Another caller told police that the monkey-man had taken away his mobile-phone.

Bandar aayaa -The monkey-man has come!”

“The Monkey-Man has come!” And he’s stealing cell phones! (He can have mine with its lousy Verizon service.)  What would a creature with a button to turn himself, and his pants, presumably, invisible want with a cell phone? I’d expect he’d just need another button on his chest.

While most experts scoff at the notion of a pantsed primate phantasm and chalk it up to mass hysteria, there is another possible explanation.

A Phil Tucker connection?

In 1953, Phil Tucker filmed the 3D epic Robot Monster. Of course, I mean “epic” in the sense that “as much as he tried, Phil Tucker could only stretch the budget so far.” The budget was so small that the monster was a guy in an ape suit with a diving helmet on his head. And the monster’s controller? Same guy on a TV screen.

So what was that film about anyway?

The evil alien “Ro-Man” (RObot-MAN, get it?) has destroyed all but eight humans on Earth with his “Calcinator death ray”. Survivors include a family of five, a scientist, and two unseen assistants in a spacecraft bound for an orbiting space platform carrying a garrison of human soldiers.  So although we only see six people onscreen, trust me, there are hundreds and hundreds more just off screen. Face it, you have a lot of  disbelief to suspend.

All eight have developed an immunity to the death ray as a side effect of an antibiotic serum developed by the scientist. Also assume that the hundreds and hundreds of off screen soldiers are also immune.

Ro-Man must destroy these survivors before his invasion of Earth is complete. He is waylaid in his mission after developing an attraction towards Alice, the eldest daughter of the family. What else did you expect?  He refuses to eliminate her, forcing the leader of the aliens to personally finish the task. Ignore the fact, please, the leader is the same guy in the same gorilla suit/diving helmet mix. Finally the young boy apparently wakes up, revealing the entire film was presumably a dream. Man, I wish someone had beat Phil Tucker over the head with a baseball bat for that.

As you can see from the chart below, the Robot Monster and the Monkey Man of Delhi share a startlingly close appearance.

Furthermore, Phil Tucker Jr. announced plans in 2001 to remake his father’s masterpiece. Filming began in….. wait for it….. you guessed it…. New Delhi!

Coincidence? Hmmmm.

Did residents confuse a cheap movie monster in a flea-bitten ape suit for a mysterious Monkey Man?

Probably yes.

AND THEY DID IT AGAIN!!!
WILL THEY NEVER LEARN???

Now ‘Bearman’ Hysteria Sweeps Northeast India

Nalbari, India – With New Delhi still cowering in terror at reports of a marauding “monkeyman”, a new menace has struck terror among villagers in India‘s remote northeast – the “bearman”.

“We first heard a loud bang at night. Then we saw something black and furry resembling a bear, and before the beast could attack, we switched on the lights and the creature disappeared,” Ramani Nath, a school teacher in Tihu village, said.

Panic-stricken villagers have formed vigilante groups, armed with bows and arrows and machetes, to capture the “bearman”, who reportedly has metallic claws similar to those of the monkeyman.  

I wonder if the Chicago Bears were in town?

I'm coming for you Hadji! Johnny Quest can't save you now!