Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

from August 2, 2007

NEWSFLASH!!!!!!

Real news making headlines this week.

FLASH! According to the NY Post (Motto: “All The News About Strippers We Can Fit.”) Yoko Ono is getting a sex change operation. Still unknown is which sex she will choose.

FLASH! NFL star Michael Vick is being charged with a slew of Federal indictments related to running a dog fighting ring. The Vegas line has him beating the rap but not covering the spread.

FLASH! Whoopi Goldberg was chosen to be the new co-host of The View. Said Barbara Walters, “We are vewy vewy pwoud of her.”

FLASH! Media giant and owner of FOX-TV Rupert Murdoch bought the Wall Street Journal. Among his first acts were to announce that the newspaper would now be the exclusive home of The Simpsons Movie news and to name American Idol host Ryan Seacrest as Editor-In-Chief.

FLASH! A Manhattan criminal dubbed “the Spider-Man rapist” was caught by police in Washington Heights after twice sneaking in the open windows of sleeping women. According to Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson, “I knew that masked maniac was a public menace!”

FLASH! R+B singer Usher ran out on his wedding just hours before the nuptials. Ironically, the only “usher” at the affair was the actual usher.

FLASH! The star of the TLC show “Little People, Big World” is facing DUI charges after being pulled over for driving erratically, failing a sobriety test, and refusing a breathalyzer test. According to the 4 feet, 2 inches tall actor, “all I had was a short beer!”

FLASH! A team of Hatzolah volunteer ambulance drivers was beaten in a charity softball game by the NYPD, 6-5, at Keyspan Park. The game was tied 5-5 until the bottom of the ninth, when Hatzolah outfielder Chaim Wolf misplayed a simple pop-fly into a run for the police. When asked after the game, Chaim defended his play be stating “how many Jewish baseball players have there been, anyway? Like what, three? Oy vey!”

FLASH! A new study published in the August edition of the journal “Archives of Sexual Behavior” has determined that humans have sex for pleasure. Cindy Meston, Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas estimates that she spent at least 6000 hours doing research for her project. She further estimates that it will take at least that long just to wipe the smile off her face.

FLASH! The dead body of a man was found inside a Hempstead Village auto repair shop. According to head mechanic Al Willis, “his parts will be in on Tuesday.”

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