Tag Archives: Cubs

You Can’t Play Baseball Without Balls

16 Jan

January 16, 2014

The Chicago Cubs. Loveable losers of baseball. They have a great ballpark, albeit kinda rundown, and some great players over the years. but never a mascot. Until now. The Chi-town Cubs unveiled their first ever mascot yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, Clark the Cub.


Cute, huh? I’m not sure what “cute” has to do with being a MLB mascot. The Philly Phanatic is some sort of tongue-lashing beast, The San Diego Chicken is a fearsome warrior, and Mr. Met suffers from hydrocephalus. None of them are cute. So rightfully so, reaction among baseball fans has been clear and absolute: they hate the thing. And so they set out to destroy it. Deadspin.com started a contest to see who could deface the mascot in the funniest way, and trust me, there are many. Well, one stood, um , not head and shoulders, exactly, above the others, and was the clear winner. In fact, some local media was covering the mascot and somehow (and I really want to know how and who got fired) one of the Deadspin versions aired instead of the real one. Let’s watch and see how professional newsreaders handle the unexpected.

He’s friendly, he loves kids, he doesn’t wear pants. You can’t script this, folks.

In other news, Florida’s Billy the Marlin has been arrested for soliciting a prostitute.

An Allan Keyes Profile in Courage: GEORGE BRETT

8 Jul

July 8, 2013



In honor of the MLB All-Star Game coming up later this month, I’d like to profile my favorite MLB player ever.

Why is he my favorite? Is it for the prolific HRs? For his championship caliber play? For the way he went berzerk  after his infamous pine tar at-bat?


No, the reason I love Brett so much…..is this!

From Deadspin.com: Not sure which spring training this video is from, but the video was just released to an unsuspecting public on Thursday, and is destined to go down as a classic; watch now as Royals Hall of Famer George Brett regales a teammate about the many times he’s shit his pants. Seriously; Brett goes into great detail about this, and even at one point follows the poor guy across the field so that he can finish his story. At one point Brett says proudly: “I’m good twice a year for that. When’s the last time you shit your pants?” America needs to know just how close it came to this being the subject of Brett’s Hall of Fame induction speech. He is really into it.

Brett is a REAL man. “Double tapered” hahahahahahahaha

As a bonus, here’s some of my favorite baseball meltdowns:

Earl Weaver vs the Ump:

Lee Elia vs Cubs fans:

Earl Weaver vs Orioles Fans:


Paul Anka vs his band:


I’ve recreated the greatest wrestling promo ever. No footage exists, but this is Rick Rude addressing the ECW crowd. I saw this live and it was amazing.


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