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Am I Not Hip Too, Flo Rida?

19 Mar

March 19, 2013

I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop
the rock it to the bang bang boogie
say up jumped the boogie
to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat

– The Sugar Hill Gang, Rapper’s Delight

Huh?

Is it any surprise that I am not a big fan of rap and hip hop? Frankly, once Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion I just got lost. If Snoop Dogg could change his name, where would it stop? Would the President become Barack Lion?  It was so confusing. Snoop’s name was dumb to begin with, now it is just stupid. Hey Snoop! Lay off the pot.

But rap and hip hop are full of lousy names. Yesterday, Allan Keyes introduced you to Li’l Poopy. SERIOUSLY? Is that any better than MC Pee Pants? At least Mr. Pants is a cartoon character. Li’l Poopy is about to be the centerpiece of a child welfare case.


Ok, so I’m not on the tip of the hip hop cutting edge, if you know what I mean, and based on that mixed metaphor you may not. All this brings me to Tramar Lacel Dillard. Who? You may know him better by his nom-de-dumb, Flo Rida.

If I were a rapper I’d pick MC Fred Mertz before that. Seriously, I don’t care if it is some play on “flow rider,” which isn’t so hot to begin with, the guy is from Florida so he calls himself Flo Rida and that is just silly.

flo rida

But I am not one to let a good thing go by. (Well I am, which is why I am not rich at all, but hey, maybe one of these is going to get me there.)  (Nah.)

So I, with nothing but time on my hands and no life, went through all 50 states and from that culled a list of Flo Rida-style names, which I’ve sorted into three categories: Mundane, lame, and Hip Hop Tastic! Some of the names just didn’t work- what do you do with Hawaii? Here is the best of the rest.

Mundane Chart
LAME Chart

 

hip hop chart
It doesn’t stop at lame rap names either. I am not a fan of the NCAA. DO NOT make the typo that I once did and write “I am not a fan of the NAACP.” Trust me, it didn’t go well. But I am talking about college basketball. I already hate pro basketball (if a game ends 120 to 116, was it really necessary to play 4 quarters? This game could have been decided in 10 minutes) so why would I ever watch college? But to get back to my point, I am a college graduate. Granted, I graduated from the Earl Scheib School of “I’ll paint any car for just $99.95,” but even I know there is no such state as Golden State or Gonzaga State. Seriously, what’s up with that?

I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite rap songs, from a rapper with a great rap name and who might have a mild brain disorder. I present, Bismark!  Biz Markie!

 

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Imponderable #85: Milton Keynes England

15 Mar

March 15, 2013

Let’s jump right in, shall we? (“That’s what she said!”)

     iamgoingtomugonlyoldpeople                  

Perfect! I am only going to mug old and disabled people because it would be wrong to discriminate against them. I am going to mug only the homeless (though the point of that is beyond me) and when it comes to murder I will only attack female executives being kept down by the glass ceiling. Really, it is just fair.

(BTW- “Milton Keynes” is actually the name of a town. Don’t make the mistake I did of confusing it with the name of my dentist.)

Of course, and this should come as no surprise, the Mr. Grammar in me wonders why “madams” is in quotation marks. Is she not a madam? Does the word madam stand for something else? It isn’t like they danced around the word brothel.

But to get back to my crime spree, I think it only fair (and right!)  to steal the wallets of people in wheelchairs and to only hold ethnic minorities hostage. Plus, I promise to commit all of my crimes in the most environmentally friendly way possible. For example, I will only wear ski masks made of free-range wool when I rob banks. And my getaway car will be a Prius to cut down on my criminal carbon footprint. You see, I care. I really do.

And I will never rob a middle-aged white guy because that is a sure one-way ticket to jail.

So watch out, you mentally handicapped, physically disabled, senior citizen minority with a rare blood type, I am coming for you.

Is Becky Adams a legal savant?
The Question is Imponderable… until the British courts rule on this.

That's her.

That’s her.

The other question is, well, look at her face. You can figure it out.

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