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Thought I didn’t like Grease? Here’s Grease 2. (And Bonus Fat Chicks!)

13 Nov

from September 1, 2007

People say I don’t rant enough. Well screw that! I’m gonna rant baby, and about some serious nonsense too!

I was watching TV the other day and they had some real crap on. Not the usual crap- extremely crappy crap. Thanks VH1! Go to Hell. Anyway, I’d read some review somewhere online somewhere of Grease and thought I’d watch it since A- It was on and B- I wanted to do something nasty to punish myself for having the god-awful bad sense to be a teacher. Well, it wasn’t Grease. It was Grease 2. Two! Grease frickin’ 2! Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to make a Grease 2? Did Europe have a Bubonic Plaque 2? Did Princess Di have a second bad night in that French tunnel?

OK, I get it, the first one made money so they had to make a second. Like Battlestar Galactica became a worldwide hit (I’m bullshitting here- it was cancelled after like one season.) so they followed it with Galactica 1980 and it starred Lorne Green, an annoying brainy kid, and a couple of dicks who kind of sort of act like Starbuck and Apollo but weren’t Starbuck and Apollo. At least Johnny Bravo fit the suit! Where were the Cylons? They did the show without the freakin’ bad guys! They didn’t even have the damn robot dog! Who watched that show besides me? I got two words for you- Space Scouts. If you watched that show you know what I’m talking about . That show wasn’t just bad, it was a painful Ass-Hell show.

But Grease 2 (screw it- do your own underlining. And I ain’t gonna bother with no good grammar neither!) was worse. They took all of the background and minor characters and brought them back. They brought back the same sets. They even brought back the same plot! What they didn’t do was bring back the stars. Believe it or not, they cast a cast (yeah, cast a cast) of people even less talented than the original actors. I know what you’re thinking- “BULLSHIT! It’s impossible to cast a less talented actor than John Travolta. I saw Battlefield Earth!” But they did. Leading the cast is Adrian Zmed (snicker snicker ha ha!) “Zmed.” That’s one of those female things, right? Like a woman goes to the gynecologist for a pap smear and a zmed exam?

Here are the selected highlights of Mr. “Zmed’s” career from imdb.com:

-Shira-The Vampire Samurai

-Honey I Shrunk The Kids: The TV Show

-Little Insects, as the voice of “Sir Sneekleberry”

and 72 episodes of TJ Hooker, which I will claim to my dying breath is William Shatner at his finest.

Then there is some lummox named “Maxwell Caulfield.” I put that in quotes because I’m sure that’s an assumed name. How am I so sure, I just think so. Get it? I “assumed” it’s an “assumed” name. (Don’t like that joke? Tough. Like you’re paying for this?)

Here are some selected highlights of this jerk’s imdb:

–

That’s not a mistake- Grease 2 is, by far, the biggest highlight of his career. And it was his first credit! This dick sank even lower than Grease 2!

Genuine decent actress Michelle Puh-Fieffer is there. (Not that she’s any good here. This film would turn Anthony Quinn into Carrot Top.) I’m pretty split about her. She’s either pretty hot or pretty skanky depending on my mood. But then I remember that she did shit like this and I’m totally turned off her again.

The plot is- look, if you saw the first film you saw this one, but with two exceptions:

1- The songs are far, far worse.

2- The producers were geniuses! GENIUSES! DAMN RIGHT I’M PUTTING THIS IN CAPS! Get this- they gave the Danny part to the girl, and gave the Sandy part to the guy. Yes! They reversed the genders! WOW! (Damn, they should have done this in drag! It would have been even worse!)

As far as sequels go this is better than World War Two, but not as good as The Revenge of the Sith.

Damn, I love writing reviews where I didn’t actually watch the movie. After the opening credits I started to flip around the channels and found blog-worthy paydirt on BCAT- Brooklyn Community Access Television- AKA- “we’ll show anything.” This is a channel where anything gets on the air if you can pay the fee. Got a low-res jpeg of your dog? They’ll show it. Most of the shows are done by either

1- jerks who think they’re funny and rope in friends and family to film them doing “funny” things,

2- jerks who think they are smart and rope in friends and family to film them calling Bush a “dwad,” or

3- jerks who take their video cameras into clubs and mack on women.

DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to be using very offensive terms to describe women. Now bear in mind I am referring to certain very specific women, all of whom are, and here I am being very very truthful, all of whom are over 450 pounds. Reread that again right here- over 450 pounds. So any of the stuff I say is directed solely at them and their big fat asses, not at all directed to any of the women on my friends list, all of whom are very slim, attractive, and sexy. You ladies know I love you, to quote Keith Hernandez.

Goddesses is a show by, for, and about extremely obese women. The purpose of the show is to show that big huge tractor-like women can be hot too. Let me clue them in- no they can’t! They have so much hanging flesh under their arms that they can trim it off and create a whole new person. They are all sweating badly under the studio lights. They all have eight or nine chins. They are big slobs! And I’m just talking about the parts that can fit in frame.

(And before you point it out- yes, I am overweight. But these women would be overweight if they were, say, a platoon of tanks.)

This show I saw had the “Goddesses” going to a club (that they rented) to have a fashion show (of clothes they designed) and dance with men (that they already knew.) Fine. No problem. Let them have fun. Let them delude themselves. I don’t care. If it makes them feel good to crowd 8 of them into a room with a capacity of 150, fine.

None of that was bad, really. None of that was a problem. None of that mattered to me.

Until.

The.

Wet.

T.

Shirt.

Contest.

THEY HAD A FRIGGING WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. THEY WALKED OUT ON  THE DANCE FLOOR IN THIN WHITE T-SHIRTS AND THE GUYS DRENCHED THEM WITH WATER. It was at this point that I went blind. Remember the part in Return of The Jedi where Jabba the Hutt had some girls dancing for him? One of the girls was big and fat and had eight breasts. The first girl looked like Both Jabba and the girl, stuffed in the same shirt. AND THEY THOUGHT THIS WAS SEXY!

It was not.

And the guys acted like this was a Girls Gone Wild video. Who are these guys? No, no, I really don’t want to know who would sell their soul to the devil and have to act like this turns them on and really have to go home and have sex with these house-like females. Some things should remain unknown.

This was train-wreck TV at its best/worst. You know it is awful. You know that it might harm you. But you can’t look away.

Still, it was better than Grease 2.

So I bet you’re wondering how much of this show I watched? Did I watch it all? Tape it and replay it? Do I secretly watch this in the wee hours of the morning? Christ, what is wrong with you people? I saw nearly 9 whole minutes of this before I ran through the channels again and finally settled on Spongebob Squarepants. Then I blocked the channel for good.

So to wrap this up, if you are ever up in the middle of the night and have to choose between watching Grease 2 or Goddesses, stick with Grease 2. This is the only possible scenario in which I would ever recommend Grease 2. Grease 2 may make you want to take your own life, but Goddesses may actually kill you.

Serious and thoughtful feedback is welcomed and encouraged.

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Movers and Shakers Vs. Losers and Fakers

11 Nov

from June 21, 2007

Movers and Shakers. Yes! Power people! They get things done!!!!!! (And use lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Losers and Fakers. The dregs and drags. Bums who never ever use exclamation points in a sincere manner. Why? Because they’re fakers!

Well, the world can be divided into two categories.*

Firstly we have the movers and shakers. These are the men (and/or women) with whom you’d love to be trapped on an island with because:

A- They’d get you rescued

and

B- Some women look really hot in a business suit. **

Then there are the losers and fakers. If you had the misfortune to first be trapped on an island, and then discover that you were stuck with, on said island, this group of  slackers, then your only hope would be that the cannibals over on the next island get all fat and lazy on the others so you can steal one of their boats and get the hell out of there, because being stuck the losers and fakers means that island is your new home.

Famous Movers and Shakers:

George Washington

Genghis Khan

James T. Kirk

Famous Losers and Fakers:

Kato Kaelin

Jeff Spicoli

Gilligan

So ask yourself this: If you were trapped on an island, would you rather be stuck with Gilligan or Genghis Khan?

Before you answer, check this out:

Gilligan, from Wikipedia: The majority of episodes involved some failed attempt to get off the deserted island.

Gengis Khan, from Wikipedia: Genghis Khan is an iconic and beloved figure in Mongolia, where he is seen as the father of the Mongol Nation. On the other hand, he was responsible for the violent death of more people than any other individual before the 20th century. In many areas of southwestern Asia and Europe, he is still seen as a ruthless and bloodthirsty conquerer

I’d take my chances with Genghis.***

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, like most of what I write, not much, but I have to write something and if I wrote what I really wanted to write then Bonnie would be mad at me.

(By the way, if you haven’t yet read any of the footnotes, go ahead and do it now. I’ll wait.)

But somehow the losers manage to survive. Despite the fact that Genghis would probably whip up the locals into an army and conquer the surrounding islands, wouldn’t you rather be stuck with Gilligan? Because the odds are pretty good that, eventually, Genghis would kill you. The worst thing Gilligan will do is maybe drink the Professor’s cocoanut colada.

Losers serve society in at least one important way. They make us feel good about ourselves. For example, take the LHS Social Studies department. Case closed.

Fakers can also be cool.**** OK, George Costanza himself may not be cool, but wouldn’t it be cool to pretend you were an architect? Or even pretend to be a viable Presidential candidate, like John Edwards does?

But I guess the fakers are just more creative. Movers and shakers may get all the wealth and perks, but how many of them know how it feels to construct a web of lies and live in terror that you may forget who you told what lie and your whole house of deceit is just one mistake away from collapsing? Welcome to my life, Bill Gates!

*Or more.

**Before you call me sexist, I admit it ladies- I am sexist. So since we are agreed on that point don’t get all pms-y over this.

***This reminds me of a funny story. Back in junior high I had a history teacher who was so fat he would actually use his stomach as a globe. He’d point out a spot on his chest to represent, say, Outer Mongolia, and rotate himself so that his back was facing us and he’d use a pointer to pick out a spot on his back representing, say, Peru. That was the year that I realized that I never want to be a teacher.

****My favorite faker has to be the Fonz. No way he scored with all of those chicks. The guy would have been on a constant penicillin IV because of all the STDs he’d pick up. He was all BS in a leather jacket, albeit a cool leather jacket.

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