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Tag Archives: losers

Baby (Ass) Wipes

20 Jun

June 20, 2011

Regular readers of this blog (you know who you are, don’t try to deny it) know that I am a frequent reader and aficionado of News  of the Weird and its clone, Weird News. (Oddly, neither has done a cloning story in a while. But I digress.)

A lot of the stories are funny, some make you shake your head in disbelief, and a few are just plain scary. The following story is one that does all three. and even worse, it was reported in a lot of large media outlets. (I don’t say “better” outlets, because, let’s face it, I trust News of the Weird a lot more than the pompous Wolf Blitzer and his CNN cronies. Ever see Jack Cafferty? His sole job on CNN is to read people’s email and act all cranky while insulting Republicans. CNN could save a lot of money by letting Sean Penn read the email. He does the rest for free.)

Do you know about The Adult Baby?


Where to start?

I’ll start with the thought that is uppermost in my mind, paragraph by paragraph.

1- WHAT THE F-?

We’ve got a 350 pound blivet who wears diapers, uses a baby bottle, and sleeps in a giant crib? On the face of it, the guy is clearly disabled. He has to have some mental disorder. No, scratch that, clearly the guy is nuts. He doesn’t deserve SSI benefits, he deserves the rubber room.

2- WHAT THE F-?

That old sack of baleen and ambergris isn’t his mother, she’s his roommate? She treats him like he’s a baby and puts up with that shit? OK, SHE’S the nut.

3- WHAT THE F-?

He knows enough to act normal in public, he builds his own fat adult baby furniture, he drives, and runs an internet support group? This guy is not nuts, he is a freak with a bizarre fetish. Well, he is nuts, but not in any clinical way. He’s nuts in the likes to wear diapers and make poopie way. He’s functional, so he should be working.

Sen. Coburn is absolutely right. This guy needs to get his shit together (and out of his diaper) and get a job and repay all the money we’ve given him. If I lived in Oklahoma I’d vote for the guy. Then I’d move out of Oklahoma.

But wait, there’s more. Let’s hear his side of the story.


Continuing, paragraph by paragraph:

4 and 5- He threatened to kill himself if his benefits were taken away. I say take them away. He’s not killing himself. This turd knows just what he’s doing.

6- He is an able-bodied 30-year old man and she attends his needs? SHE IS THE NUT! If the previous paragraphs with the death threats did nothing else, it showed that the Adult Baby is intelligent and knows what he is doing. He can think logically. And he can’t work from home in his diaper?

7- Legitimately disabled or not, I don’t think I want my tax money to subsidize  his woodworking hobby. And if the furniture can’t support his weight, hey fatty- go on a diet!

8- Lifestyle? Lifestyle? This is what is wrong with the world in a single word: “Lifestyle.” Living like a 30-year-old infant is not a “lifestyle,” it is insane. We are legitimizing it by calling it a lifestyle. This doesn’t need legitimizing, this needs demonizing. Am I intolerant? No. (OK, yes, but this is different.) We are a world of enablers. Why are we enabling this?

9- Again, the Senator is correct.


10-“Trauma from childhood abuse.” I don’t want to seem to be trivializing this. I know that it is a very real problem for a great many people. You know what those people do? THEY GET HELP. They don’t retreat into infancy and find consolation in the flabby arms of a second mother. (You may be wondering if I think that this is any worse than drinking or drugs. I say it is.)

11- His website only requires four hours a month? Get out of here! Mr. Blog’s Tepid Timewaster takes me four hours a day just to come up with a topic. Typing this post took an hour.

So out of a morbid sense of curiosity, and against my much better judgment, I went to he Adult Baby’s website.  (Don’t worry, I browsed in-private, deleted all my cookies, and disinfected my computer. And I am still sure I am on some awful FBI list now.)


UGH. I hope you’re happy now. Seeing how crappy and badly written it is, I can almost believe he only spent four hours on it.

12- He said his craftsman skills were overstated because he only drilled six holes on camera and the chair was pre-made the day before. Um, but wasn’t he guy who did it? So who cares when it was made, he made it.

I would like to end with a personal message to The Adult Baby. I hope that, in some way, perhaps we can find some common ground, that I may help you adjust to life in big boy pants, that someday you can join the rest of the non-diapered world. I leave you with these words: goo goo, ga ga, gurgle gurgle goo.

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Movers and Shakers Vs. Losers and Fakers

11 Nov

from June 21, 2007

Movers and Shakers. Yes! Power people! They get things done!!!!!! (And use lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Losers and Fakers. The dregs and drags. Bums who never ever use exclamation points in a sincere manner. Why? Because they’re fakers!

Well, the world can be divided into two categories.*

Firstly we have the movers and shakers. These are the men (and/or women) with whom you’d love to be trapped on an island with because:

A- They’d get you rescued

and

B- Some women look really hot in a business suit. **

Then there are the losers and fakers. If you had the misfortune to first be trapped on an island, and then discover that you were stuck with, on said island, this group of  slackers, then your only hope would be that the cannibals over on the next island get all fat and lazy on the others so you can steal one of their boats and get the hell out of there, because being stuck the losers and fakers means that island is your new home.

Famous Movers and Shakers:

George Washington

Genghis Khan

James T. Kirk

Famous Losers and Fakers:

Kato Kaelin

Jeff Spicoli

Gilligan

So ask yourself this: If you were trapped on an island, would you rather be stuck with Gilligan or Genghis Khan?

Before you answer, check this out:

Gilligan, from Wikipedia: The majority of episodes involved some failed attempt to get off the deserted island.

Gengis Khan, from Wikipedia: Genghis Khan is an iconic and beloved figure in Mongolia, where he is seen as the father of the Mongol Nation. On the other hand, he was responsible for the violent death of more people than any other individual before the 20th century. In many areas of southwestern Asia and Europe, he is still seen as a ruthless and bloodthirsty conquerer

I’d take my chances with Genghis.***

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, like most of what I write, not much, but I have to write something and if I wrote what I really wanted to write then Bonnie would be mad at me.

(By the way, if you haven’t yet read any of the footnotes, go ahead and do it now. I’ll wait.)

But somehow the losers manage to survive. Despite the fact that Genghis would probably whip up the locals into an army and conquer the surrounding islands, wouldn’t you rather be stuck with Gilligan? Because the odds are pretty good that, eventually, Genghis would kill you. The worst thing Gilligan will do is maybe drink the Professor’s cocoanut colada.

Losers serve society in at least one important way. They make us feel good about ourselves. For example, take the LHS Social Studies department. Case closed.

Fakers can also be cool.**** OK, George Costanza himself may not be cool, but wouldn’t it be cool to pretend you were an architect? Or even pretend to be a viable Presidential candidate, like John Edwards does?

But I guess the fakers are just more creative. Movers and shakers may get all the wealth and perks, but how many of them know how it feels to construct a web of lies and live in terror that you may forget who you told what lie and your whole house of deceit is just one mistake away from collapsing? Welcome to my life, Bill Gates!

*Or more.

**Before you call me sexist, I admit it ladies- I am sexist. So since we are agreed on that point don’t get all pms-y over this.

***This reminds me of a funny story. Back in junior high I had a history teacher who was so fat he would actually use his stomach as a globe. He’d point out a spot on his chest to represent, say, Outer Mongolia, and rotate himself so that his back was facing us and he’d use a pointer to pick out a spot on his back representing, say, Peru. That was the year that I realized that I never want to be a teacher.

****My favorite faker has to be the Fonz. No way he scored with all of those chicks. The guy would have been on a constant penicillin IV because of all the STDs he’d pick up. He was all BS in a leather jacket, albeit a cool leather jacket.

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