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SAVE THE PASTRAMI!

1 May

May 1, 2010

Have you seen Oprah lately? She’s been on a crusade to promote public safety and protect Americans from certain death.

No, this has nothing to do with terrorism.

Proving that there is no bandwagon moving too fast for her to jump on, Oprah has joined the crusade to stop texting and driving. More accurately, she has jumped on the bandwagon, climbed over the band, and tossed the wagon driver into the road dust. She has been promoting her No Phone Zone, in which everyone from average citizens in the street to even Gail King and Queen Rania of Jordan signs a pledge to never ever text while driving.

It is perfect for Oprah- non-controversial and public relations friendly. How can you argue against it, especially when twenty-four states have already adopted cell phone and texting bans and more are under consideration? Like most of Oprah’s other causes (education, health, animal rescue) it is really a good thing, but unlike the other causes it is impossible to measure any effects it will have, if at all, since it is totally unenforceable and immeasurable.

But it sure garners Oprah some great publicity in a time when her ratings are down and she is preparing to move to her own cable network.

In order to generate some positive publicity and free press for Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride, I hereby announce the debut of my new cause,

SAVE THE PASTRAMI 

Please help

 What would a kosher deli be without pastrami?

Imagine walking into Katz’s Deli, Wolfie’s or even Subway and finding pastrami taken off the menu.

What if, hanging among the salami and bologna, was an empty space where the pastrami used to be?

At your favorite diner, the Deli Duo taken off the menu?

It boggles the mind.

Yet everyday, in millions of delicatessens around the country, millions of patrons may face this dilemma. 

Don’t become one of them.

Save the Pastrami

When you see the Save the Pastrami volunteer in your neighborhood, please take a second to sign our petition. It is fast and easy and won’t cost you a dime.

However, the cost of not signing may be enormous.

Please, help Save the Pastrami.

Think about it, won’t you?

 

 

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You Down With OCC? American Chopper Returns!

13 Apr

April 13, 2010

American Chopper, the recently cancelled “reality” show, is back. The new series, American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior, promises to show more of what made the original a success- bickering and yelling between two imbeciles while other people make increasingly generic looking motorcycles.

Paul Teutul Sr., the father of this motley crew, began life as the owner of a steel factory. Soon, however, he grew bored with the small town life and gave it all up to become a full-time Hulk Hogan impersonator.

Life on the Hulk Hogan professional impersonation circuit was hard for Sr. Every night he was in a different bar, drinking himself into a stupor while bar skanks rubbed his muscles. Oh, wait, that was his life before he sold the factory. That’s why he doesn’t get along with any of his kids. In fact, the impersonation circuit was profitable for him. Soon, he and a Carrot Top impersonator got together to create a new business based on his first loves- screaming at his sons and motorcycles, and soon OCC was born.

OCC stood for Our Crappy Choppers and was based out of a meat-packing plant in Oswego. Eventually he bought out the Carrot Top impersonator (who turned out to be the real Carrot Top and no one noticed or cared) and brought in his two sons, Paul Jr. and Musky, so named because of the odor coming off his scraggly beard.

Paul Sr. never totally gave up the Hulk Hogan impersonation and would often be seen around town on his custom-made Hulkamania bike.

 

Whatchoo gonna do? Vrooom!

Luckily for Sr., who knew nothing about motorcycles, Paul Jr. knew slightly more and designed bikes that were good to look at but might kill you if you rode them. For example, The typical OCC bike has webs covering the gas tank, unnecessary tin pieces on the rear wheel, and a paint job from the planet Mars, but lacks rear view mirrors, brake lights, or even the basic rudiments to make it street legal.

American Chopper turned the guys from OCC into stars. The show became a hit and soon people were quitting the show left and right just to get away from Paul Sr. Early on they employed a guy named Vinny. He did everything from wiring the bikes to  sweeping up the shop. He was usually the only one who did any work at all, as Paul Jr. would vanish mysteriously every day between 8am and 5pm and Paul Sr. was always going out for massages. Ah, the price of fame. Despite all of that, Vinny soldiered on until he could no longer stand the constant screaming between the Teutuls and he quit. He was an important employee of a booming business and a star of a booming TV show and he quit because the Teutuls were impossible to work with.

What did they scream at each other about? Everything, It became so bad that shows focused less and less on the bikes they made and more and more on the fights. Eventually, Paul Jr., showing he has even less brains than talent, quit the company to form his own design firm. What did his business do? Pitched a line of doggy chew toys to a dog food company.

Sr. kept motoring on and while he still makes bikes, he makes more and more time for his Hulk Hogan impressions.

???

Hulk Hogan, seeing the potential in branching out, followed Paul Sr.’s lead and opened his own store: Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania.

No, I did not make that up.

Pastamania

Yep, he opened it at the Mall of America. Closed it there too.

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