Archive | Technology RSS feed for this section

Superman, The Man of Shill

5 May

May 5, 2011

This week marks the anniversary of the day in 1938 that Superman Debuted in Action Comics #1.

In honor of the event I am going to showcase a few of the more obscure products which have been endorsed by Superman.

KRYPTONITE ROCKS

It’s Terrific!
It’s Fantastic!
It’s a Rock!

These are rocks painted green with glow-in-the-dark paint, $2.50 per rock, $1 shipping and handling. So what is the theory here? Why is Superman ripping off kids- er, selling Kryptonite? Superman is selling them to his friends- The Parasite better not send in $3.50- so they can take possession of the irradiated chunks of the planet Krypton and keep them safe, in lead boxes, so Superman can never come in contact with them. Ah. My God, this is easily one of the worst rip off’s I have ever seen. Selling rocks to kids. Anyone who bought these should go to the DC offices and hurl them back through the windows.

SUPERMAN PEANUT BUTTER and PEANUTS

Superman is the hero and protector of all humanity, except the approximately 0.6% of the population with severe peanut allergies and can die from anaphylaxis if they inhale even a tiny amount of peanut dust. I hope he changes Super-suits after he leaves the peanut factory or he may end up killing the very baby he rescues from Brainiac.

Check out this ad for Superman peanut butter. Superman is willing to protect the secret of its great taste with his life! I don’t blame him. Once Lex Luthor gets the secret of great taste, he can corner the peanut butter market, and how far behind can grape jelly be?

SUPERMAN CINEMATIC PICTURE PISTOL

There is a short filmstrip in the gun. You look through the hole in the back of the gun and see a frame of a filmstrip. Pulling the trigger advances the film.

This is easily, hands down, the most irresponsible toy I have ever seen. Yes, I get that this is from another era, that kids were routinely given toy guns and even real guns to play with. I get all of that. But whose idea was it to put a movie inside a gun? To teach young kids to put a gun to their heads and pull the trigger?

A movie in a gun? Thanks, Superman.

SPECIALMAN

OK, it’s a Japanese rip-off but out of all the stuff on this page, this is probably the most fun. But given the amount of lead probably used in the paint, it is likely also the most dangerous.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

May News Roundup

4 May

May 3, 2011

___________________________________________________________________________________________

STUPID NEWS PLAGUES COUNTRY

Mr. Blog to Mock Headlines Nationwide

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Ah, those wacky Turks.

Makes you wonder how Turkey manages to stay an independent country. One day Iran may knock on the door.

“Who is it?”
“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Please sign this.”
“Okay.” (Signs long legal document without reading it.)
“Hah! Now all your base are belong to us!”

Good luck, Turkey!___________________________________________________________________________________________

Ah, a true silent but deadly fart.

But all joking aside, this is a serious danger. Poison gas has a long history going back to antiquity but it was perhaps the battlefields of World War One where it reached its gruesome apex. But some good came of it. Take the case of Rondo Hatton. Once he was your average good-looking guy. Dime a dozen. But the war came, and Hatton, fighting on the front, was gassed by the enemy. Later he developed acromegaly, the same disease that brought fame and fortune to The Elephant Man. His features grew big and distorted. Hatton, who was once voted the Most Handsome Boy in school, became an ugly hulk. And of course a movie star. He went on to fame as The Creeper, a character he played in a Sherlock Holmes film. Money and celebrity followed. He could often be seen tooling around Hollywood and New York in his solid gold Rolls Royce, bikini-clad women dangling from him like bling to a rapper. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, bi-sexuals went either way. When he died in 1946 he got a Presidential state funeral and his body embalmed and put on display in the White House Rotunda.

Or he had a short and sad life, his disfigurement exploited in a series of small and cheap films. Take your pick.

Either way, I choose to end not with a picture of the tragic Mr. Hatton, but with a picture of Captain Kirk fighting a killer fart.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

How come Ghost Hunters never deal with this?

This then is the final proof that ghosts do not exist. Sorry, no ghosts, spirits, or poltergeists.

However, it is certain and unequivocal proof that houses are sentient creatures. They live and breathe, they have hopes and dreams, they hate it when you paint them ugly colors, chaff when you install aluminum siding, and see everything you do in the privacy of your bedroom, you weirdo.

Next time you see a construction worker tearing down a house, you are seeing a murder. A building collapse? Self-preservation. Think about it. Animals have PETA, but what about homes? Who will speak for the houses?

Not me.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Ah, the fearsome Steven Seagal. Who wouldn’t tremble in fear at the sight of this guy riding a tank?

For a short while he had a bit of a career. He was never much of an actor, but before he got bloated he was a pretty good karate guy. Unfortunately he was gassed during World War One and developed acromegaly. His features grew big and distorted and Seagal, who once had a slightly promising movie career, became an ugly hulk.

What? That’s the same thing I wrote about Rondo Hatton? OK, take out the World War One thing and it still stands. Bloated? Check. Features grew big and distorted? Check. Ugly hulk? OK, ugly is in the eye of the beholder, but hulk? Check.

Anyway, now he has a career pretending to be a policeman riding a tank to a cockfight.

He must be proud.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

I don’t know what that means, don’t want to know what that means, don’t want you to tell me what that means.

Dave Cummings?

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →