Advertisements
Tag Archives: Iran

1984 Previewed, by Rad Gnarly (Like Toootally Tubular Repost)

20 Aug

August 20, 2013

Another one from the Allan Keyes Archives. Coincidentally, the NYPD has its own Allan Keyes Archives, but the contents of their files are very, very different.

from August 27, 2012

Allen Keyes is still on vacation this week, without access to the internet while he explores the sewers of Oakland.  By agreement with his publisher, Shady Books, we present to you this reprint from the Nov. 1983 edition of Pictacular Magazine, where Allen Keyes writes under his non de plume, Rad Gnarly. In the meantime, be on the lookout for his album, Keyes Kroons Kristmas Ksongs, available at Tower Records and Virgin Megastores everywhere.

1984 Previewed, by Rad Gnarly

As 1983 draws to a close, we’re beginning to look forward to 1984. Lots of big things are in store! But we should not be remiss in looking back at some of the high points of this past year.

It was a pretty good year for me personally. I mastered the hackey sack, solved one side of the Rubik’s Cube (that’s right ladies, all this and brains too!)  and nobody- and I mean nobody!- had a more stonewashed pair of jeans than I did. Collar up, hair teased, jeans cuffed, I was the king of the mall! And we didn’t take any backtalk from those preppies either! Ahh, I can’t imagine a day where hackey sacks and stonewashed jeans wouldn’t be hip! And if it ever was, I wouldn’t want to live in that world man!

Setting my own life aside, 1983 had some major highs. For example, we were introduced to quite possibly the greatest movie creations ever:


Return of the Jedi itself was a dreary mess, why did they waste all of that time with the boring Luke storyline anyway? The Ewoks were where it’s at!  Totally dudical! I guarantee, everyone who watched left the theater longing for more of these adorable little rascals! I’m glad this is the final Star Wars film anyway, it’s nothing but an inexplicable fad that is finally buried for good. That said, I look forward to the inevitable series of Ewok spin-off movies. I’ll be first in line!

In political news, 1983 bought some welcome relief in the form of this man:

“Fritz” Mondale! He’s running against this Reagan guy – gag me with a spoon! I predict that the nation is ready to listen to and embrace Mondale’s tax-and-spend policies. It’s a slam dunk! It’s so in the bag I’ll even say Fritzy boy runs away with the election and wins 49 states! I’ll give old Ronnie one just to be generous.

Ok, enough looking back! 1984 is shaping up to be a fly year, and I have the scoop on the highest of the highs (besides my stockbroker that is. Nobody is higher than him! It’s all good though….I trust him with my money. Junks bonds are very safe investments. I won’t be doing this gig forever! Me and my boombox will be in Tahiti for the duration soon enough!)

TELEVISION:

 There’s been a lot of press recently over the announcement by NBC that they’re giving some nobody named Bill Cosby his own show. And he’s naming it after himself! What chutzpah! I mean look at this guy:

Would you give this guy a show?  Yeah, me neither. DESTINED TO FAIL! While this one gets all the hype, let me give you the inside dope (inside my nose lol!) on what the real breakout show of ’84 will be:

That’s right! AKA Pablo.  Paul Rodriguez is a much more talented comic than Bill Cosby could ever be, and the subject matter – a Puerto Mexican trying to pass himself off as an American – just lends itself  to all sorts of HYSTERICAL situations. I mean, look at this advance solicitation from beloved eternal American institution TV Guide:

“GET AN AMERICAN NAME!” HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  Early contender for catchphrase of the year! (And delivered by the sultry Bea Arthur to boot…..grrrrrrrawl!) Now compare it to this plot of a Cosby Show: “Theo Buys a Shirt”  — I know which one me and my brothers at the Sons of the White Race Lodge will be watching at 8:30 this season!

 CINEMA:

Going to be hard to top the accomplishments of 1983. Some of the best movies were actually sequels:

JAWS 3-D

 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3

 Superman III

 

And 1984 will be no different. The early line favorite (got that from beloved eternal American institution Jimmy the Greek!) for tops at the box office is this eagerly anticipated sequel:

Burt Reynolds will FINALLY win his long-overdue Academy award for this one! And Jamie Farr plays against type as a sheik! I’m there dude!! Expect it to run over other films, including some overhyped indie project:

Look at it….looks kinda boring doesn’t it? Some tired old guy just sorta leaning against a pillar. *YAWN* Compare that to THIS from Cannonball Run 2:

Box Office Gold! Indiana Who? Temple of What? I swear, that Dom DeLuise is simply the living end!

SPORTS

1984 baseball is expected to sport (get it!) an impressive roster of rookies. Twins fans are predictably in a lather of excitement over their latest overhyped prospect:

Yeah, funny stuff! Like this guy will ever be more than a utility player. I mean look at his name. It’s a universal baseball axiom: “NO MAN NAMED AFTER A PICKLE WILL EVER BE A GOOD PLAYER” The Twins will NEVER win a World Series, not with guys like this clogging their roster.

Period.

I’ve been watching baseball for years, and the Expos have one packed farm system. They have one stud prospect ready to absolutely come up and dominate, and he’s even better than can’t-miss beasts Rene Gonzales and Joe Hesketh.

America, meet your new sweetheart:

 

Look at him! He just looks like a winning player! The Expos finally have some talent on that roster. My money is on the Expos winning the series this year. And yours should be too!

TOYS/POP CULTURE

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………..Mr. T!!!!!!!!!! will seek to extend his toy store and television domination to the supermarkets:

Delicious! And nutritious – just look at it! “Fortified with B-Vitamins and Iron!” JUST LIKE THE REAL MR. T!! I’d like to run out and get myself a huge bowl of it right now. Corn Flakes are dead, nobody will want to eat boring old flakes anymore! All the kids will demand their mothers buy this. Mr. T = quality. Just look at his other products if you don’t believe me (these are some of my private collection)

 

NEWS YOU CAN USE:

Look for Iran and Iraq to continue their long and bloody war. The good news here is democratically elected Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is a good friend of ours, and has promised us that if we lend him our support, he’ll end the war swiftly and treat his enemies with kindness, and compassion. He’s a true humanitarian, and he’s been a great friend to the United States to boot! Oh Saddam! Our good friend! We’ll always enjoy our mutually cooperative relationship. Godspeed Saddam, a true gentleman if there ever was one!

Advertisements

The Allan Keyes Classic Comics Creview: Batman, A Death in the Family

10 Jun

June 1o, 2013

keyes

db1

I had occasion to re-read this last week (in other words, I was out of books and needed to grab something off the old pile to read in the bathroom) and a few things about this “classic” really smacked me that never were noticed back when I first read this as a kid.

As you all know, this is the book that is famous because they killed Robin. And there’s precious little else to recommend this outside of the snuff film factor.

THE BAD:

Load of Crap #1: The entire story! Moody, pre-menstrual Jason Todd (Robin) finds out that his mother was really his step mother, and sets off to find his true parent. Ok, fair enough. But we find out that his mother is one of three people:  An Israeli secret agent, Lady Shiva (one of the deadliest assassins in the DC Universe, a Batman-level fighter) or some broad running famine relief in Ethiopia. So let’s get this straight: We’re to believe that Jason Todd’s father, who was a minor skell working for Two Face, not only knew but bagged an Israeli secret agent, the worlds’ deadliest assassin (pre-Deathstroke) and some other broad whom the reader with a functional IQ of above 15 immediately pegged as the mother by page 3 . And we didn’t have the benefit of the Bat-Computer. WOW, being a two-bit henchman really helps you put up numbers if you know what I mean and I know that you do!

Mr. BTR ADDS: Amazingly, and this is true, all those women are listed under “S.” I’d love to see some of the other pages, like “P” with Diana Prince listed, “K” containing Selina Kyle, and I’d bet “L” featuring Lane, Lois and Lemaris, Lori.

Load of Crap #2: By an amazing ko-inky-dink, we find that all three women are in the same part of the world- the middle east!  How convenient for young annoying Jason, who goes running off on his own. And it turns out to be convenient for Batman too, because due to Load of Crap #3, the Joker escaping Arkham and running off to the mid-East to sell a nuke to terrorists, he amazingly runs smack into Robin, because the terrorists the Joker is selling his missile to are the SAME terrorists prospective mother #1 (the secret agent) is infiltrating. HOW ABOUT THAT! And those very same terrorists are being trained by prospective mother #2, lady Shiva. HOW ABOUT THAT! Gimme an effing break, eh effendi? The Middle East is millions of miles of land, and everyone on the planet is congregating in the same tiny dinky town in Lebanon.  Um……………..NO

Anyway, Load of Crap #4– Not only does the Joker know prospective mother #3, but she’s also as crooked as an IRS worker (hey, I can do topical also!) and has a shady past the Joker can exploit! So when Batman and Robin go to the family reunion, guess who’s waiting! Note to Jim Starlin: A CONTINUING SERIES OF COINCIDENCES IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR A GOOD STORY. Anyhow, you know the rest – Robin’s mother pulls a patented NWO Swerve (Mr. B will explain) on her little boychik, and  the Joker clubs the little b*tch like a baby seal. Explosion cliffhanger, he finally dies THANK GOD, setting the stage for thousands of issues of bat-angst.

db2

Mr. BTR EXPLAINS: In the old WCW, there was a huge group of wrestlers called the NWO and they were insanely popular. However, they were also as predictable as a Mets loss. Seemingly every week, they would come out to the ring and talk about how they were pissed at one of their own teammates and were going to kick the crap out him during his match and help his opponent and invariably, not only would they not kick the crap out of him, they would join him in beating up his opponent. And EVERY WEEK the opponent thought this would be the week where the NWO would actually turn on one of their own guys. It NEVER happened yet FOR MONTHS people expected it. So Robin’s mother turning on Robin was something we could see coming two miles away.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the art:  IT SUCKS.  I mean look at this:

 db3

The Joker’s face is drawn like an inverted isosceles triangle. It’s asinine. He’s clearly not a human.

THE GOOD!

Robin gets snuffed. LOVE IT! But this is also the Joker at his most out of control homicidal. At the time, in recent continuity he had just shot Barbara Gordon and crippled her, and this storyline was a great escalation of that. Besides racking up a body count and killing Robin, he has bigger plans:

1)      He sells a nuke to terrorists to pop off at Tel Aviv

2)      To replenish his funds, he steals Ethiopian famine relief and replaces it with cases of his laughing gas.  Hundreds of crates, each w/ enough lethal poison to spread over four acres. HE’S PLANNING THE GENOCIDE OF THE ENTIRE ETHIOPIAN PEOPLE!!! And he smirks and tells the aid worker to look on the bright side, there will be less mouths to feed. WOW. Note the tan makeup he’s wearing to blend in. Looks like a demented George Hamilton.

3)      He tries to murder the entire United Nations General Assembly.

Mr. BTR EXPOUNDS: (!)! Go back to Allan Keyes' previous point about the art. Now that he is a more normal color, you can see how ridiculous the Joker's anatomy is. What's up with that chin? Even Plastic Man is usually drawn more realistically.

Mr. BTR EXPOUNDS: (!)! Go back to Allan Keyes’ previous point about the art. Now that he is a more normal color, you can see how ridiculous the Joker’s anatomy is. What’s up with that chin? Even Plastic Man is usually drawn more realistically.

Though the story is weak, it does contain one of the greatest end issue splashes EVER.  A rage-filled Batman is goaded to meet the Joker for a final confrontation at the UN, and what does he see? Joker is the fricking Iranian Ambassador!!!!! And not only that, Superman is there to make sure Batman doesn’t get him, because diplomatic immunity. AWESOME cliffhanger.  It’s so over the top insane I can almost forgive Starlin for the rest of this story.

db5

Mr. BTR rants: Keyes should have also included the next page in which Batman cradles his fist like a ragdoll and whines “I think I broke a couple of knuckles” in the most uncharacteristic Bat-manner you’ve ever seen. Totally ruins the impact of this otherwise cool page.

What the heck, I did it for him. Is this Batman? Batman would not show any weakness in front of Superman even if a badger had gnawed off his wiener.

What the heck, I did it for him. Is this Batman? Batman would not show any weakness in front of Superman even if a badger had gnawed off his wiener.

Still an awesome cliffhanger.

Still an awesome cliffhanger.

On a bit of a social note, it’s kind of refreshing to read a comic that treats Middle East terrorists as……villainous scumbags.  You even have Batman referencing the Iranian Embassy takeover as a reason to ignore Iran’s international rights! You will very rarely see this kind of moral clarity in comics today, if we ever really have.  The industry is wussified (except for Garth Ennis) and you’ll see the likes of Captain America fighting the greatest threat to the world today: the Tea Party http://www.theatlanticwire.com/entertainment/2010/02/captain-america-vs-tea-parties/20207/, or Superman indulging in nonviolence vs. these same Iranians:

 db7

Effing stupid wusses who populate the industry today. They’re under the impression the S on his chest stands for “Sally” </rant > 

Finally…..to my knowledge, this is the only comics appearance of Ayatollah Khomeini (outside of his own Iranian-published title, Jihad-Joe. See what I did there?)

db8

I had forgotten they put him in. I reflexively spat on the page when I saw it.

Anyway, you know the rest of the story.

The verdict: A good bathroom read, but massively overhyped.

%d bloggers like this: