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A Tale of My Father: Macy’s Santa

3 Dec

December 3, 2013

A love of tradition and a lot of time on your hands can be a bad thing. Case in point: my father.

In his later years, Dad wasn’t working and spent a lot time at home. It could get very boring but he managed to find ways to pass the time. Oh, I don’t mean fixing things around the house, or hobbies (although he had a killer model train layout), or even anything productive, I mean things like scamming Nigerian scammers.

Yes, I typed that correctly. He get an email from a “Nigerian Prince” promising him untold wealth if only he’d give him his social security number, bank account number, blood type, etc, and instead of doing what you and I would do (i.e.: delete it) he’d write back, or better, he’d call them. He’d call the number in the email and claim to be interested but he had a few questions. He’d ask them if he needed a checking or a savings account, he’d ask them about the political situation in Nigeria, he’d ask them about his tax implications of accepting the fortune, he’d ask them the best time to call back with more questions, etc. You’d be surprised how long a Nigerian Prince will stay on the line. One email could keep Dad entertained with the back and forth for weeks.

He didn’t always get satisfaction (nor did he get the Nigerian fortune.) For example, one year he was watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade on TV and stayed with it all the way through to the end, not an easy thing to do, depending on how you feel about 3 hours of Al Roker. Anyway, Dad watched it to the end and got very upset because it ended with Santa pulling up in front of Macy’s and waving. Roll credits, fade to black, go to commercials, cue football.

This was not good.

Because when Dad was a kid, the parade ended with Santa getting off his sled and walking into Macy’s (where he and the elves presumably did all their shopping). After some more waving, he’d sit in his chair in Santa’s cardboard workshop and await all the little kiddies on his lap. (Good thing he’s Santa. Guys end up on the sex offender list for a lot less.)

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So this particular year, Santa did not get off his sled and walk into Macy’s. He just sat there and waved and the show ended. That was not right. Something had to be done. And Dad was the one to do it.

He called Macy’s and complained.

God love my father, and God knows I loved him, even I had to pause at that. Wouldn’t the TV network be the one to call? I’m sure Santa went into Macy’s (though how would I know? It wasn’t shown on TV and I wasn’t there) but the network cut away before he got off the sled. Anyway, Dad called Macy’s where he registered his complaint. Who did the operator direct him to? Who did he speak to? I have no clue. I am sure that Dad let loose his anger on whoever was the first to pick up, and I feel sorry for the low-level Macy’s operator who had to take that call.

Dad never forgot the insult. He wasn’t one to take a slight like that laying down. He had a grudge against both Macy’s and the parade for a long time.

The parade has never been the same.

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Good Citizenship for the Holiday Season

29 Nov

November 29, 2013

from November 23, 2009

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Some people have no sense of civic responsibility, or even goodwill to their fellow man. For example, I went to a high school downtown and had to take the train. I was a little late and was rushing out of the station when a woman in front of me twisted her ankle and fell. Almost no one even looked her way, let alone stopped to help her. I hope she was OK, I really couldn’t tell as I was almost a half block away when I thought to look back and see.

But that is just an exception, really. I do try to be helpful. I would think nothing of giving CPR to a man with a broken ankle or applying the Heimlich Maneuver to a drowning woman. I’d even try to shock back to life a guy in a car accident by connecting jumper cables from the car battery to his brain. Take it from me, a firm grasp of basic first aid is a necessity and can be easily gleaned from any cartoon or foreign cable TV show.

Of all the various methods of first aid, none can be handier than the Heimlich Maneuver.

To perform it, you get behind a choking victim, reach around their chest, and manually locate a certain point at the base of the rib cage and, using short quick thrusts, force your fist upward and inward to the victim, hopefully dislodging the food they are choking on.

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Locating a choking victim is easy. The person may be gasping for air and turning blue. Choking victims may be trying to violently dislodge the food themselves, often doing more harm than good. If you are properly trained in first aid and can competently perform the Heimlich Maneuver, you are ideally going to look for a busty woman because this is a great excuse to feel her up.

In fact, may medics, at the merest first cough, often zoom over to the table of an attractive young woman and attempt to perform first aid on the woman’s breasts.

Now that is good citizenship.

Other good citizenship tips for the Holiday Season:

  • After sitting on Santa’s lap, towel him off as you would the equipment at the gym.
  • After waiting hours in line for the department store to open early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving, do not leave your pee-filled Pepsi bottles sitting on the curb. Pour them down the sewer.
  • Remember that your fellow citizens may not be as fortunate as you. Therefore, try not to step on the homeless as you rush by.
  • When in doubt, leave the last seat on the subway for the pregnant woman. After all, she may be an undercover cop.
  • No one likes to receive fruit cake.

If we all follow some simple rules and exercise courtesy, we New Yorkers can all feel better. In the words of Mayor for Life Bloomberg, “People are worried about the unknown. They are worried about things that they are unwilling to invest some time in and learn about.” Wait; was that Mayor Bloomberg or Criswell Predicts? Ah, same thing.

So remember everyone, simple courtesy and citizenship can reap great dividends in the long run. In the short run, using the Heimlich Maneuver on a cute blonde can get you arrested.

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