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Stupid Watch To Make Life Worth Living (An Allan Keyes Tech Review)

9 Sep

September 9, 2013

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Hot tech news – the Smart Watch is upon us!!!

http://www.cnbc.com/id/101002543

“Samsung seeks ‘iPod moment’ with smartwatch launch”

Not quite an IPod moment is on tap…..more like an Apple Newton moment. In case you didn’t know, the Newton was one of Apple’s biggest flops.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newton_(platform)

This is an alleged image of the soon to be unveiled watch:

          new one             

HAHAHAHAHA…..fail.  I looks like those binders Luke put on Chewbacca when they wanted to infiltrate the Death Star:

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When it comes to this watch, I’m not even going to bust out the Dick Tracy references, I’ll leave that to others.  But can you imagine – there’s always that one guy who just HAS to be at the cutting edge of all new tech, so you can bank on there being one schmuck who’ll be running around wearing both Google Glasses and this stupid watch at the same time. In a related story, there’s always that one guy gets robbed of his tech very early on and endlessly cries about it.

Anyway, back to this watch, which I predict will be such a fail it is pulled off the mass market after 3 months and relegated to Sharper Image catalogues – it has some features which will include some sort of blue tooth ripoff so you can pair it with your smartphone.

Personally, it sounds about as utilitarian as this:

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without the shoephone’s benefit of hiding it’s enduring ugliness where nobody can see it.

Actually, I cracked wise too soon about Sharper Image – they have some fine watches that seem to be great alternatives to this impending piece of failtech Samsung is about to unleash on us. For example:

This watch has Bluetooth and caller id.

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This watch looks futuristic cool

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This watch finds fish…..somehow

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Now once again, for reference, compare those watches…..to this:

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Yeah, I’m running out to buy THAT.

In the meantime, here’s some rare pics of a super secret project that Samsung is working on to capture the NEXT ipod moment. It’s tentatively called the Lobe-Bot  (see what I did there?) 

 9

  And I’d still wear all of this before I wore that “smart watch”

 

 

 

Football is back! (Super Sunday Special!)

8 Sep

September 8, 2013

To commemorate the return of football season, here is one of Allan Keyes classic J-E-T-S football posts.

December 10, 2012

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Sports fans were rocked by the news that Jets super fan “Fireman Ed” had retired citing……something or other.  I couldn’t be bothered to really read about it. It’s not like Lou Gehrig’s retirement speech. For those of you outside of New York or with lives, Fireman Ed was some old sourpuss in a fireman’s hat who led the J-E-T-S  JETSJETSJETS! chant at Giants stadium, the home of the Superbowl Champion Giants (oh yeah, and the Jets also). He recently announced he was stepping down from his super fan position, quite possibly the first recorded instance of this sort of thing ever happening, because it’s just too stupid for words really.

     fireman ed                  

So with the void left by the “retirement” from a voluntary and non-existent job of being an overenthusiastic sports fan, tens of bored Jets fans cast their thoughts on the question – who will be the next “super fan” to lead the Jets?

Ladies and Gentlemen, wonder no more! I give you……………………………CAPTAIN JET (No, really):

 captain jet

There’s a lot to process here folks, so I made a helpful guide for you:

 Captain Jet - Meet Fireman Ed's Replacement!

 

….yeah, I know, I know.  I’m not even gonna make a further comment on this guy, except to note that he at least gives it his awful all.

Here’s a poseur spotted at that same game that needs to take a few lessons and up his act:

 UR DOING IT WRONG

 

Pretty sad really for both of these guys. They pale in comparison to the coolest football fans evah……the denizens of the Oakland Raiders “Black Hole”

 black hole1

So…..when does baseball season start again?