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Imponderable #28: Germany

23 Dec

December 23, 2011

I know what you are thinking, that there are a lot of Imponderables that could come out of Germany. Lederhosen, for example. Why would anyone wear leather shorts? One the one hand, you wear shorts to stay cool. But on the other hand, leather is heavy and hot. I don’t get it.

Other German things I don’t understand are Oompah bands, lids on beer steins, and their David Hasselhoff fixation.

And I still don’t get why Hitler invaded Russia in the winter. Lousy tactics.

And now this, a short and sweet story from the land of Bavaria via News of the Weird: 

1- 528-pound woman.
2- 13-pound baby.
3- 14 children.

Who is schtupping that woman? HOW is he schtupping that woman? All 528 pounds of her!

And oh, yeah, she named the baby Jihad, which in one definition means “struggle.” This woman seems to not struggle in either her fights with food or sex. How ironic.

What kind of amazing personality must a 528-pound woman with 14 kids have?

The question is Imponderable.

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Imponderable #27: Olympia Washington

16 Dec

December 16, 2011

Stop right there, this story had me at the headline.

In order to discipline his daughter, a man made his 16 year-old girl to put on medieval armor and engage him in a two-hour sword fight.

HUZZAH!

I can’t help but think that if the man were a stamp collector the worst his daughter would had was a dry tongue after a marathon session of licking stamps.

The Father of The Year of 1608 was booked on “suspicion of second-degree assault with a deadly weapon.” I’d say that’s an open and shut case.

But aside from the horrible battle/abuse, what is up with all the Renaissance Fair love? Ever been to one? Lots of people saying “thou” and “m’Lord.” People with stupid leather mugs. And OK, maybe the jousting is fun, but you watch it, not perform it. On the other hand, most people are just there to drink beer. And I like going to Medieval Times once every year or two, but would you make every day a visit to a time when the Black Plaque competed with horse manure to see which one was more plentiful?

My only worry is how do we punish that guy? Put him in jail? The guy is a gladiator. He’d love the prison lifestyle. I say we put him in a pink room with stuffed bunnies and force him to have a tea party with a bunch of adult babies.

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