Tag Archives: Germany

Fairy Tale Theater: Little Red Riding Hood

17 Dec

December 17, 2013

fairy tale theater header

from July 19, 2012

Once upon a time there was a little girl. Amazing, right? Like who would think that in all of history there was ever a little girl and believe it or not, she lived in the woods. Nobody ever lived in a rundown apartment over a liquor shop back then.  Seriously, a little girl who lives in the woods in a fairy tale is like leaves on a tree. Big deal. I can look out my window and see leaf after leaf. I can probably also look out my window and see little girl after little girl but I won’t. A man my age who looks out his window at little girls is a sure bet to wind up on the sex offender registry.

Anyway, this particular little girl was named Little Red Riding Hood. That may be hard to believe but there was actually a time long ago when it was common to name people after items of clothing. Her mother was named Plaid Socks and her father was named Old Denim Overalls. She also had a cousin named Pants with Stinky Brown Stain on Rear.

Little Red Riding Hood, whose last name was Schwartz, lived in the woods. This is not the same woods as the one in Snow White or Pinocchio, though they were all run by the same management company. In fact there were about 30 different woods and in each the ogres were threatening to go on strike. Little Red was a cute and sweet young girl. In fact she was too cute and sweet. She was so sweet you couldn’t stand her. Little Red was like one of those cute kids in a Stephen King novel whom you couldn’t stand but you’d keep reading because you knew she’d get killed in some horrible way, like the baby in Pet Semetary. But not only was Little Red cute and sweet, she was also kind and generous and good-hearted. Everyone hated her. Even Mother Theresa once slapped her.

Here is a typical page from her daily planner:

-wake up
-milk the cows
-massage the cows
-dress the cows in pretty dresses

And that’s just before 8am.

On this particular day Red took some time out of her busy schedule to bring a basket of food to her sick grandmother. Grandma lived even deeper in the woods, all alone. Great idea for a frail old woman, right? Anyway, she was sick so Red decided to bring her enough food to last a week. I would have brought her a Medic Alert bracelet and some aspirin too.

The woods were full of wolves. Big, hungry, ravenous, sexually repressed wolves. What? Didn’t think I’d go there? Fairy tales are full of hidden sexual imagery.  Think Rumplestiltskin wasn’t freaky like Chris Brown? Yeah, some wolf beat up Rihanna too.

So there was Little Red Riding Hood, skipping along through the woods singing along to Gotye when just when she got to “But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough” (yes that song is that old. Gotye stole it from a German folk tale) a wolf leaped out of the trees and demanded “open the door and let me in or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!” Clearly he was in the wrong place. Seeing his mistake he politely apologized and left.

No sooner had he left than another wolf leapt out and demanded the picnic basket. Back then wolves would wait in line for a shot at a picnic basket. He snarled. He showed his fangs. He waved his claws. His fur bristled, his teeth glistened, even his busy tail was somehow menacing.

Little Red Riding Hood smiled and, being so sweet and obnoxiously good-natured, gave him the basket, kissed the wolf on the snout, and turned around and skipped back home, singing Lady Gaga all the way. And poor granny? She was still starving.

Later, the wolf took the basket back home to his den. Lair? Nest? Where do wolves live anyway? The point is, he ripped open the basket and found it full of nothing but Ensure, Metamucil, and more adult diapers than you would expect. After all, Granny wasn’t about to digest a T-bone steak at her age. This did nothing to slake the wolf’s appetite. He trashed the basket but he kept the diapers. The wolf was getting on in years, you know.

The next day the wolf decided to get even with Red. He’d guzzled a week’s worth of Granny’s Ensure and went into body failure. He showed up on Grandma’s doorstep and rang the bell. He claimed to be selling subscriptions to Vibe magazine. Granny wasn’t interested and didn’t open the door. The wolf decided that being sneaky was getting him nowhere so he jumped through the window and ate her. Honestly, he’s a wolf. Why didn’t he do that to begin with?

After completing various good deeds, like washing a leper’s feet and knitting scarves for bald sheep, Little Red Riding Hood Schwartz once again brought a basket to Grandma’s house. She knocked on the door and a strange, high-pitched growl that would fool absolutely no one but this silly kid said “come on in, the door is open.” 

She went in and there, in the inky shadows, was what looked like a wolf in Granny’s bed. See? I told you fairy tales were full of sexual imagery. Let me lay this out for you: The wolf was trying to lure the girl into bed. There’s a reason why men who hit on every woman in sight are called wolves.

Meanwhile, how dumb is Red? Be realistic, would you be fooled if you saw a dog in bed instead of a human being? Of course not. Even if your dog could talk and looked cute in a sweater you’d knit her, you’d still recognize that it’s a dog. So what was Little Red Riding Hood’s problem? Sheesh. I think she needed glasses. You know what comes next.

“My Grandma, what big ears you have!”
“The better to hear you my dear.”
“My Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“The better to see you, my dear.”
“My Grandma, what big teeth you have!”
“Oh screw this shit!” And the wolf leaped out of the bed and tore Little Red Riding Hood to pieces.

A passing lumberjack heard Little Red Riding Hood’s screams and came to rescue her. Guess what? The wolf ate him too.

The moral of the story? A wolf will eat you. Avoid wolves.


Can you stand more?

Read My Memories of Cinderella here.

Read My Memories of Snow White here.

Read My Memories of The Boy Who Cried Wolf here.

Read My Memories of Pinocchio here

My Not-So Review of American Reunion

26 Feb

February 26, 2013

It was 4am, couldn’t sleep, so I put on the TV. I was tired. Really tired. So tired that as much as my body needed and craved sleep, I could not get to sleep. So I put on the TV.

At 4am I not a discriminating viewer. Things I’d never have watched had more than 3% of my brain cells been active sound pretty good at that time. I’ve watched the knife shopping channel for hours on end in that condition. And I still don’t know how they can sell a katana so cheap. Anyway, it was in that state that I watched about 50 minutes of American Reunion.

American Reunion is the fourth and/or eighth in the American Pie series. It is the fourth film to be released in the theaters with more or less the same cast, but there were also four direct to video American Pie films starring none of the American Pie cast- well, one actually, but I’ll get to that later. These video releases star characters who are relatives of the main cast, like younger brothers and fifth cousins thrice-removed. This film, American Reunion, promised to have all the characters from all the movies, including many of the lower-tier video crew. Every American Pie character from across eight films all together in one film? I had to see it! At 4am!

Right about now, I feel the need to point out that I have never seen a single American Pie film. Here is what I knew about American Pie going into the film:

  • One of the characters humped a pie
  • One of the female characters had some sort of experience at band camp, so that when someone on the street says to someone else on the street “one time in band camp…” the other person dies of unrestrained hilarity. I assume something funny completes that thought.
  • Eugene Levy was in all eight of these things. All of them!
  • Stifler is funny because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Stifler somewhere in some film acting like a jerk.

Here is what I added to my knowledge after the film:

  • Stifler is not funny.
  • Neither was American Reunion.

So what I ended up watching was ¾ of a movie (I missed the beginning and finally managed to fall asleep before the ending) of a franchise I knew nothing about and not getting a single laugh. And here’s the thing: at 4 am I’ll laugh at anything. I’ve laughed at women on Lifetime telling jokes about PMS. I’ve laughed at infomercials for imported German practical joke DVD’s whose punch lines were in Bavarian. Lord help, me, I’ve laughed at John Pinette at 4am. I once tried to make a sandwich at 4am and nearly sliced my thumb off and laughed at all the blood getting my bread soggy but I did not laugh at American Reunion.

Granted, I did not know the characters and granted, a lot of the jokes were based on knowing things from the other films, but jeez, these are films about people either trying to get laid or high, and somehow they turned it into some movie about people getting too old to get laid or high. What the heck? There was a party where nothing happened and a couple of semi-but-not-really-raunchy scenes where you thought maybe some chick would get topless but didn’t. Sure, Eugene Levy got high, but like I said, he was in all eight of these things so I’m sure he was already high when he signed his contract.

Eugene Levy is too good for this. I’m glad he’s working and I’m glad he’s getting a paycheck but, c’mon, he’s this guy:

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