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Shame on You!

14 Mar

March 14, 2013

It was late last night. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was confused about some things and needed guidance. Finding no one near, I turned to the one who will always be there in times of trouble. I spoke to my personal friend and savior, Jesus.

No, god no, not Jesus Christ. I’m talking about Jesus Salvador, the guy who runs the little bodega on 18th avenue. He’s open late and I felt like some potato chips and a cherry coke. We were just tossing the bull when a couple of female behemoths trundled in. (Behemothettes?) They were probably only about 16 but they were already twice as big as me. (That would be three times as big as an average man.) In fact, they were probably about only 50% smaller than an average moose. Ever force yourself to sit through Grease? You know, the prequel to the amazing Grease 2, starring Adrien Zmed? Then you know the queasy feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t so much their size as their dress. They wore tight jeans that stopped well short of their waists (such as they were.) In the front their bellies hung over their pants. In the back was a lot of ass crack. Their tops ended a good foot before their pants began so we saw a lot of belly button hair too. They had no shame.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

In fact NO ONE has any shame anymore. Take the following episode of The People’s Court, which aired today. (BTW- I used to think that Judge Marilyn Milan was attractive until I saw her in HDTV. My god is that woman haggard! She went from MILF to ZILCH in about two seconds.  HDTV is not the worn out woman’s friend.)

Here’s the description: A night of boozing leads to a wet bed, ruined mattress, and destroyed friendship.

Here’s what happened: Two middle-aged moms went out drinking and got wasted. They went back to one mom’s home and passed out, naked, in bed together. When they awoke there was a wet stain on the mattress and the strong smell of urine. The other mom’s defense? She was taking muscle relaxers and they must have affected her bladder. However, it was no problem because the other woman raised four kids on that mattress and it was full of urine stains.

Read that again before you read the next paragraph. Get all that testimony right in the forefront of your mind.

Now continue.

The woman with the stained bed brought her eleven year-old daughter with her to court to hear all of this testimony. 

I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! THIS IS FOR REAL! (Thank you, Jesus, for great TV! [Jesus Christ this time, not Salvador from the bodega.])

The testimony got even better. It seems that one woman was, to use her words, “groping” her friend’s boss to make her boyfriend jealous. This led to a testy debate with the judge about whether “groping” was any better than “making out.” As the testimony went on, we heard about many more times that the weak bladder woman ruined beds, and testimony that her boyfriend works late and “he wets the bed all the time.”

The judge, showing the only moment of sanity from anyone in this case, sent the eleven year old daughter out of the courtroom and screamed at the mother for bringing her. “But your honor,” the mother said, “everything I say is true. She can hear the truth.” Well I say SHE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (YES! I finally got to say that!)

court-062110

She can’t take any more of this either.

See what I mean about shame? Shouldn’t these people be ashamed to be on TV? They had a choice. They could have said no, but people will be on TV for anything! Filming a reality show where whoever wears dirty diapers the longest wins a wind chime? They’ll line up around the block. A contest where women squat in barrels and have insects dumped on them? Opie and Anthony did it years ago. And what did the woman win? NOTHING! They got to be on the radio.

If more people had some shame then not only would this be a better world, but maybe I could get some more potato chips before the behemoths buy them all from Jesus.

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In Search of… The Chupacabra (REMEMBER THE ALAMO!)

7 Mar

March 6, 2013

This has been a bizarre week. Due to recent news trends I’ve been reposting some stuff related to current events. Today was the 177th anniversary of the Alamo, where brave men like Davey Crockett, Daniel Boone, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Matt Huston, PI, and Ed “El” Paso all gave their lives in defense of an old church, thereby totally violating the separation of Church and State. Granted, this post is only vaguely related to Texas, and not at all the Alamo, but the only other story of note today was Valerie Harper’s terminal brain tumor, and speaking as a big fan of Ed Asner, I refuse to make light of her situation.

From October 5, 2010

This is the first of an occasional October series of reports focusing on real life monsters and cryptoids. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In 1995, a series of strange animal deaths caused widespread panic across the farms and rural areas of Puerto Rico. In the initial attacks, eight sheep were found dead, with strange puncture wounds across their bodies. Later, other farm animals and household pets were found dead the same way. In each case, the carcasses were totally drained of blood.

These were the first reports of the Chupacabra, the infamous goat sucking beast.

Why goat sucker? The name was coined by comedian Silverio Pérez, thereby ensuring that no one would take this seriously. Funny guy, that Silverio. In later years he became a motivational speaker. “Hi! I’m Silverio Perez! You may know me as the guy who coined the term goat sucker!” Despite that, he remains a successful entertainer.  (Reports that he named the beast after his mother-in-law are unconfirmed.)

What is a chupacabra? Is it real? How drunk do you have to be to see one?

Chupacabra sightings have been on the upswing across the southwestern United States. Reports vary, but the first descriptions painted the picture of a medium sized, short haired, angry dog.

witness description of chupacabra

witness description of chupacabra

However descriptions vary, from a reptilian type of large fanged dog to a more humanoid form. Often, photos of alleged chupacabras show a hairless dog, possibly suffering from mange.

RECENT REPORTED CHUPACABRA SIGHTINGS

  • In July 2004, a rancher near San Antonio, Texas, killed a hairless dog-like creature, which was attacking his livestock. This animal was later determined to be a coyote.
  • In mid-August 2006, Michelle O’Donnell of Turner, Maine, described an “evil looking” rodent-like animal with fangs that had been found dead alongside a road.
  • On January 11, 2008, a sighting was reported at the province of Capiz in the Philippines. Some of the residents from the barangay believed that it was the chupacabras that killed eight chickens. The owner of the chickens saw a dog-like animal attacking his chickens. It was most likely a dog.

Rare surveillance footage of a chupacabra attack

POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS

  • a genetically mutated coyote
  • NASA experiments
  • vampires
  • “Bigfoot with fangs”
  • those darn teenagers

THE EXPERTS SPEAK

  • Loren Coleman is comfortable with the wild dog explanation. A noted expert in unidentified creatures, or “cryptoids,” Coleman has investigated hundreds of chupacabra cases. He finds no evidence of any strange or supernatural creatures.
  • CNN’s Ed Lavandera has described the chupacabras as the “Bigfoot of Latino culture.” I’m not sure who should be more insulted by that report, Latino culture or CNN.
  • In July 2008, History’s Monster Quest series featured some Texas carcasses, which were determined to be dogs and coyotes

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, there still remain believers. In the words of an eyewitness “I’m not messing around with this thing any more!”

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