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Beans, Beans The Musical Fruit, The More You Eat, The More You Play Disco Music

12 Jan

January 12, 2011

Of the many things I never expected to read, this was not one of them.

You’ve heard of eine kleine nachtmusik? Here’s eine kleine stomachmusik
 

Meet Fredrik Hjelmqvist.

There’s little I can add to the jokes you must already have come up with.    

 
 

And now for a little stomache music...

 This man gives a new meaning to term “illegal downloads.”

Just imagine a romantic evening. A wonderful dinner, a carriage ride around Central Park, and music emanating from a man’s abdomen. What woman could resist? Sorry. I meant to say, what woman would go near him again?

Beans have long been known as the musical fruit, but swallowing this bean brings it to an entirely new level. Sure, most men have been known to toot a little from time to time, but how many of us have played three-part harmony? Alone, that is.
 
Just think. You find yourself pursued by the police- pop in a capsule of high-speed chase music. In a dark alley? Swallow a pill of ominous bass music. Having sex? Pop a capsule of 70’s porno music. And a Viagra. You can be your own soundtrack!
 
Record someone else’s voice and fool any voice recognition software. Just be sure to have an answer as to why you are holding the phone to your stomach.
 
Of course, an invention like this must have many serious practical applications, one would expect, though they escape me at the moment. Perhaps you can rent him out for parties…?
  

Speaking of Glenn Close…

5 Jan

January 5, 2011

Before I begin, a massive thanks to Skinner, on whose site this all took place. (I hope he’s proud.)

Skinner does an occassional series where he answers the often absurd questions posted on CNN’s front page. Here is today’s:

Well, I couldn’t top that, but I was drawn to the next point, “Glenn Close upset over Navy video.”
And it went from there.

Clearly, there had been some sort of misunderstanding on my part. I attempted to correct it.

I’m not sure that cleared it up at all. In fact, I think it made things worse.

For those of you who tried in vain to click on the video above, here it is: (Click on this one, guys.)

I may not have quite gotten it right again.

And that’s the way we ended it, but not before Skinner and I found some common ground. Here I present, for the first time outside of Skinner.fm, Glenn Close’s audition for The Horror of Party Beach.

Skinner.fm: Where the fun is.