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Breakfast- The Most Important Meal of the Day

11 Nov

from June 30, 2007

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride wold like to Congratulate BMJ2K – Winner of the 2007 NAACP Image Award on his Outstanding Achievement.

NOTE: The following originally appeared in Woman’s Day Magazine, February 2006, under the pseudonym “Breakfast Betty”

Breakfast has long been known as “the most important meal of the day.” Indeed, though there has been fierce competition from both brunch and dinner, it has always been the morning meal which gives us the strength to make it through our rough days.

Back in the badly misnamed “dawn of time” (misnamed because time actually began about six months earlier) the early hominids that would later evolve to become both the human race and the French (“la culture de la sauce crémeuse“) lived in a state of near-perpetual hunger. During the day fierce predators roamed, and at night the scavengers came out. Early man would hunt in the twilight and try to find whatever sustenance they could. It wasn’t until the discovery of fire led to the innovation of bacon and eggs did humanity’s ancestors feel secure and able to meet the daylight hours. Hash browns soon followed, then coffee, then the pyramids, and then, ultimately, The Federalist Papers.

In today’s modern age, it seems silly to look back just a few decades and realize that our great-grandparents never had the opportunity to eat an Egg McMuffin. Nor did they drink Sunny Delight or Hi-C. (Both of which, by the way, contain no more than 10% juice.)

The Egg McMuffin was created by a McDonald’s franchisee who wanted to increase his profits. He reasoned that his restaurant was only open half the day, but if he opened during the morning hours he would increase sales in the previously closed early hours. He hit upon the McMuffin because it could be easily made on existing McDonald’s equipment. (True story- look it up.)

Today, McMuffin-penetration in our urban areas is fast-approaching 98%. There is not a man, woman, pre- or post-op transsexual, or child who does not have the opportunity for a hearty morning McMuffin.

The question is not, of course, whether or not to eat an Egg McMuffin for breakfast. The question becomes where do you eat your McMuffin? Important as breakfast is, many of us take the McMuffin for granted. Eating on the subway or in your car is not breakfast. Eating at your desk and dripping crumbs on your computer isn’t breakfast. Neither is gobbling your McMuffin while trying to sell a house. (If you are a realtor, this is also not a good way to sell a home.)

Breakfast should be the most human and humane meal of the day. Lunch is often just whenever you can squeeze it in. Dinner is a hassle to be endured with your family or a bad date.

Breakfast, however,  should be the basis of a good day.

Heed my advice: Make a good breakfast the center of your morning. Take it from Breakfast Betty- this column would not have possible without a strong morning meal of pancakes and vodka.

Christmas Time, Goodwill Toward Mankind

11 Nov

from April 30, 2007

Walking through New York City during December can be a joyous experience. Look at the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center, and the lights and decorations. Look at the skaters, young and old, all spinning, skating, or at least trying to stay upright as the throngs of holiday shoppers look down and smile. See the displays at Macy’s, the lights of Times Square, the sounds of Chinatown. Experience Little Italy. People from all across the globe come to New York this time of  year, all helping to bring the season to a wonderful crescendo, whether you celebrate Hanukah,  Christmas, or just love the whole magical aura of this time of year.

But keep away from me. I’m staying in Brooklyn.

Who needs all these people? Most of them come from Podunk Iowa or Grabass Wisconsin and just walk around with their jaws hanging open and “gee whiz” looks in their eyes as they block traffic, slow down the lines in stores, and ask stupid questions. Tourists. People from New York are just better than everyone else. You know it too. Go anywhere and you’ll see. People in other cities are all hayseeds, jerks, or French. It isn’t too bad if you, Mr. or Miss New Yorker, are the tourist. A well-planned group of New Yorkers can take over any town, burg, or city in this country. But we are merciful and let them think they count so we don’t take over. Yet.

But let thousands of tourists come here and they screw it all up. Christmas time comes and suddenly it takes 45 minutes for my pizza to be delivered. Go into a bagel store and there’s a line of rubes buying flavored cocoa. Try to walk down a street and there’s a smelly guy in a Santa suit begging me for money. He’s not a tourist, just a Salvation Army guy, but he pisses me off too.

Just last week I was trying to buy a newspaper in lower Manhattan and some family of tourists, with a pair of cute little twin girls, asked me for directions to FAO Schwartz. They were from Dayton Ohio, they explained, and were here for the holidays. It was little Suzie and Sally’s first Christmas in the city and they wanted to buy them something special. “Get out of my way,” I said. “You’re going to make me miss my train.”

But none of this is to say that I hate the holidays. No, no, I hate people, not holidays. The holidays are great. The lights, the sounds, the spirit. I even like gift giving. Sometimes I even do it. There is nothing better than the look on someone’s face when they open the present I’ve carefully picked out (the day before at the 99 cent store) and wrapped (thrown into a bag from the 99 cent store) and  maybe I got someone to pick out and sign a card for me. Of course, there is actually one thing better than gift giving and that’s gift getting. (I’ll get back to this on December 26th and let you know how this turned out.)

Holiday season is also when teachers get a week off. Trust me- it isn’t enough time. There is so much to do- TV, DVD, CD, MP3, sleeping, reading. How can I fit it all into one measly week? And sometimes I even have to see other people.

So as this amazing festival of love and peace approaches, please remember a few simple rules.

1- Don’t cut me off in traffic.

2- Have your money ready at the checkout. I am not going to wait while you find your little bag of pennies, grandma.

3- Remember that New Yorkers are not all rude. But I am so leave me alone.

4- It does not matter if I haven’t given you a gift. The holiday spirit is the spirit of giving, so give me stuff. (And I don’t do thank you notes.)

5- Special rules for unmarried women and mistletoe apply. Please see addendum 14.

So I wish you all Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Kooky Kwanzaa, or whatever else all this multi-cultural nonsense has thrown our way.