Archive | diners RSS feed for this section

Baking Today! With Mr. Allan Keyes

6 May

May 6, 2013

keyes1.jpg

Keying off something Mr. B noted about our field trip to Chiller Theater ’13 – the observation that has-been Gooch puncher Todd Bridges eats TastyKakes Coconut Juniors. The fact of the matter is that it’s not so much coconut (blegh) that Toddy boy is eating which bothers me, but the fact that it’s TastyKakes, which is unarguably the worst of the major baked goods food groups.

The Cadillac of the baked snack foods is (was?) undeniably Hostess:

                       d1

Look at this list – everything is delicious! The mini-muffins I can scarf down bags at a time. Twinkies are THE quintessential American snack cake, HoHos are misogynistic,  and anyone who doesn’t love LOVE LUV those fruit pies is a communist. There, I said it. A dirty commie.  Besides, those fruit pies are magic:

 d2

You gonna argue with the Cap’n? I think not! (You can see a whole lot more of those classic Hostess ads by clicking right here!)

Drakes:

 d3

Yes, Drakes arguably has a lineup of more iconic brands than Hostess – that overrated coffee cake was featured on Seinfeld, and Yankee Doodles (and their fey cousins the Sunny Doodles) are part of our growing up,  but it’s all variations on a theme. Where’s the variety! And I’ll put it out there – Funny Bones suck. Tastes like crap covered in thin, flaky chocolate.  And the biggest beef I have with Drakes-  they never got the cake/cream ratio correct. You’d eat a Yankee Doodle or a Devil Dog and you’d come away with awful mouthfuls of dry cake that stuck to the roof of your mouth and no amount of milk could wash it away because it caked like vaguely chocolate cement to your palate. The only way to eat a Devil Dog without choking on it is to turn it on the side so you can get at the cream from the top and get some in each bite – but the ends where the cream ran out was rough going. Eff that, I pay for a snack I want the whole damn thing. And come on, Yodels and Ring Dings are the same effing cake, just different shapes!! What a lack of creativity!!

Little Debbie:

 d4

Ever go to Chinatown and see the dudes selling piles of knockoff Gucci and Louis Vuitton bags on the streetcorners? Or the dude offering a great deal on a “Rolex”? Well, that’s what Little Debbie is. Yeah the stuff is cheap, yeah the stuff is kinda tasty, amazing variety but you’re getting a lower quality product and you know it. The cream in the middle of Little Debbie cakes is tasty, but thin. It doesn’t have the density of Hostess or Drakes, they have the thick cream (man I hope NAMBLA doesn’t read this blog, it sounds so wrong)  Little Debbie is what I’d put out for visiting acquaintances, Hostess is what I’d put out for vising friends. Plus the picture of Debbie is kind of creepy. She has those lifeless eyes, dead eyes like a dolls eyes. *Shudder*

TastyKakes:

 d5 

First of all, they’re so bootleg they use a K for cake. Kind of like Cheeze instead of Cheese.  Pure BOOTLEG SHYSTINESS.  And I can’t even see one of these awful looking boxes without making an immediate Jerky Boys connection:

 

Any snack food that makes you think of Pine Cones up the ass cannot be good under any circumstances. So I guess it is appropriate for Todd Bridges after all. Whatchoo Talking About Alan??

Gary-Coleman

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Breakfast- The Most Important Meal of the Day (Delicious-Tasting Repost)

4 May

May 5, 2013

Mr. Blog is off trying to talk Allan Keyes out of rigging the Kentucky Derby. so for today, enjoy this Classic Repost, not seen in five years.

from June 30, 2007

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride would like to Congratulate BMJ2K – Winner of the 2007 NAACP Image Award on his Outstanding Achievement.

NOTE: The following originally appeared in Woman’s Day Magazine, February 2006, under the pseudonym “Breakfast Betty”

Breakfast has long been known as “the most important meal of the day.” Indeed, though there has been fierce competition from both brunch and dinner, it has always been the morning meal which gives us the strength to make it through our rough days.

Back in the badly misnamed “dawn of time” (misnamed because time actually began about six months earlier) the early hominids that would later evolve to become both the human race and the French (“la culture de la sauce crémeuse“) lived in a state of near-perpetual hunger. During the day fierce predators roamed, and at night the scavengers came out. Early man would hunt in the twilight and try to find whatever sustenance they could. It wasn’t until the discovery of fire led to the innovation of bacon and eggs did humanity’s ancestors feel secure and able to meet the daylight hours. Hash browns soon followed, then coffee, then the pyramids, and then, ultimately, The Federalist Papers.

In today’s modern age, it seems silly to look back just a few decades and realize that our great-grandparents never had the opportunity to eat an Egg McMuffin. Nor did they drink Sunny Delight or Hi-C. (Both of which, by the way, contain no more than 10% juice.)

The Egg McMuffin was created by a McDonald’s franchisee who wanted to increase his profits. He reasoned that his restaurant was only open half the day, but if he opened during the morning hours he would increase sales in the previously closed early hours. He hit upon the McMuffin because it could be easily made on existing McDonald’s equipment. (True story- look it up.)

Today, McMuffin-penetration in our urban areas is fast-approaching 98%. There is not a man, woman, pre- or post-op transsexual, or child who does not have the opportunity for a hearty morning McMuffin.

The question is not, of course, whether or not to eat an Egg McMuffin for breakfast. The question becomes where do you eat your McMuffin? Important as breakfast is, many of us take the McMuffin for granted. Eating on the subway or in your car is not breakfast. Eating at your desk and dripping crumbs on your computer isn’t breakfast. Neither is gobbling your McMuffin while trying to sell a house. (If you are a realtor, this is also not a good way to sell a home.)

Breakfast should be the most human and humane meal of the day. Lunch is often just whenever you can squeeze it in. Dinner is a hassle to be endured with your family or a bad date.

Breakfast, however,  should be the basis of a good day.

Heed my advice: Make a good breakfast the center of your morning. Take it from Breakfast Betty- this column would not have possible without a strong morning meal of pancakes and vodka.

egg-mcmuffin

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →