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Flash Gordon: The Lost Adventure

2 Jul

July 2, 20113

01_raymond_flashgordon_heritagecover_1972

CHAPTER FOUR

The Story So Far:

Marooned on the planet Mongo, heroic human Flash Gordon has become the leader of the freedom-loving resistance forces. Along with the brilliant Professor Zarkov and the lovely Dale Arden, Flash has united the warring peoples of Mongo and forced evil despot Ming the Merciless into retreat.

Meanwhile, Prince Barin has brought Flash some troubling news…

———————-

“Barin!” Flash exclaimed. “Do you know what this says?”

Prince Barin shuffled his feet uncomfortably. “Why yes Flash. It says that Ming is reassembling his forces. I fear his threat may not yet have been vanquished.”

Flash looked to his trusted friend. “Barin, have your people been able to find any trace, any clue of his whereabouts? “ Flash leaned eagerly across the council table. Barin consulted with an aide.

“It seems that some of Prince Vultan’s hawk-men have heard rumors that Ming has established a new palace in the northern section of Arboria.”

“Arboria!” Flash leapt to his feet. “I have to go and see for myself!”

“But Flash, you’d have to cross mighty swamps filled with savage lizard-men!” Barin put a hand of caution on his friend’s shoulder. “And Ming may still be protected by the ferocious lion-folk.”

“I’ll have to take that chance. If Ming is allowed to establish a new palace, who knows what evil he may unleash on Mongo!”

“Then go my ally, go with my prayers.”

———————-

Word of Flash’s mission to Ming’s Palace spread throughout the Court of Mongo. Dale Arden rushed to Flash’s side, but she could not persuade him to stay. Doctor Zarkov tried to reason with Flash, but the blonde hero would not be swayed.

“I must go. Another Palace of Ming would signal the end of freedom on Mongo. The alliance is still new and fragile; Ming could break it all to pieces. I must find Ming’s Palace!”

———————-

Within hours Flash had left the safety of the Capital City and was cautiously making his way towards Ming’s Palace. In the swamps of the lizard-men he proceeded slowly, and only during the day, for the lizard-men prowled at night. During the night, Flash sought safety in the high trees, but he was often challenged and forced to destroy the snake-like creatures that dwelled there.

Days later, Flash emerged from the swamps and under cover of darkness avoided the lion-men patrols and entered Northern Arboria. Darkening his hair, Flash donned a disguise and blended in with the local population, listening for clues to the location of Ming’s Palace. After days of listening at doorways and peering through windows, Flash Gordon finally discovered the location of his goal: Ming’s Palace.

Wasting no time, Flash rushed there and, in awe, stood before his destination.

                       mings place

Clearly, someone had screwed up.

Flash had the beef and broccoli combination plate with wonton soup before hoping a cab back to Prince Barin’s kingdom.

 

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Allan Keyes Presents A Trio Of Asshattery

1 Jul

 

July 1, 2013

keyes

Ever ask yourself “What if classic sculptures were dressed as hipsters? What would it look like?”  OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T. That’s because you’re normal. But some asshat with WAYYYYYYYY too much time on his hands did:

http://todayilearned.co.uk/2013/06/13/classical-sculptures-dressed-as-hipsters-look-contemporary-and-totally-badass/

….. there’s nothing I can say. I’m kind of dumbfounded here. On one hand, I gotta give props for the execution. On the other hand, I’d happily blow up the Parthenon to stop it if there was ever a glint of a chance this would be something that could happen in real life. I. HATE. HIPSTERS.

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In other news, you remember the Berenstain Bears right? Those boring Jewish bears that were the stars of scores of utterly banal and forgettable children’s books and stories? Did you ever think to yourself “You know, I kinda think that the Berenstain Bears reinforce negative stereotypes and serve to the dominant patriarchy. Is that crazy talk??”  Evidently not slugger:

http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/06/06/childrens-media-use-cuddly-animals-to-reinforce-racist-and-socially-dominant-norms-researcher-says/

It’s some egghead researcher’s opinions that children’s stories and cartoons serve as evil vessels to do things like “reproduces and confirms racist, colonial, consumerist, heteronormative, and patriarchal norms”

THE STUPID…..IT BURNS. IT BURNS! IT’S A F**KING CHILDREN’S BOOK!  I never read it as Horton Rapes a Who or Thomas the Tank Engine of Empire Expanding Destruction.  What really galls me is not so much that these living blood clots actually continue to get a paycheck, but that they actually continue to live. I mean really.

MR. BTR SAYS: Let us examine an academic quote from that  article: “Most animals portrayed in children’s books, songs and on clothing send a bad message, according to academics Nora Timmerman and Julia Ostertag: That animals only exist for human use, that humans are better than animals, that animals don’t have their own stories to tell, that it’s fine to “demean” them by cooing over their cuteness.”

1-  Humans ARE better than animals. Sorry, maybe that’s my human-centric bias showing, but I think I’d rather take a human being with me to a Rangers game than a wildebeest. You can’t high-five a wildebeest after a hat trick.

2-  Animals don’t have their own stories to tell? Maybe yes, maybe no, but you know what they don’t have? Vocal chords capable of forming words or speech centers in their brains in order to tell them.

3-  We demean animals by cooing over their cuteness? I’ve never heard one complain (see point 2) but more to the point, there are a lot of lonely teenagers staying home with their parents on prom night who’d love to be demeaned that way.

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Why do I torture myself by actually looking at these effing stupid things? Besides trolling for content that is.  Well, now that I’ve fully established myself as a masochist, lets bring the full awfulness home:

Japan- the land where they sell used schoolgirl panties in vending machines, and anime of otherworldly monsters and robots doing unspeakable things to teen girls dressed in sailor suits. Is there ANYTHING there that would surprise you?

Well yes, yes there is. Thank you for asking:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2013/jun/14/eyeball-licking-fetish-japanese-teenagers-sick

Yes. EYEBALL LICKING is a new fetish thing now. Where was this when we were kids? I mean, who wouldn’t have given their left and possibly right nuts to see Voltron crack out a giant robeast, kneel down, and lick his eyeball? I know I would’ve!!!

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