November 23, 2015
Aftermath, written by Chuck Wendig in, I think, about 20 minutes, is the new Star Wars novel, bridging the events of Return of the Jedi and The Force Awakens. If you ever wanted to read a Star Wars book not starring any Star Wars characters and not taking place in any familiar Star Wars locales, with a cast of characters you really don’t give a bleep about, then Aftermath is the book for you.
On the other hand, if you can overlook the little things, like plot and dialogue, it’s really not too bad. To be fair, there were 6 pages with Han Solo that were interesting. The other 360? Not so much.
However, there was a hidden gem of awfulness stuck in the middle. It was a line that jumped out of the page and stuck on the bottom of my shoe like a sticky lump. For no particular reason, the scene shifted to a fight between bounty hunter Dengar (from The Empire Strikes Back) and a new character ridiculously named Mercurial Swift.
I cannot stress strongly enough that Mercurial Swift is not a potion used by Harry Potter, it is a character’s name in Star Wars.
I believe this to be the worst thing ever written in all of Star Wars, and remember- it is in competition with every single thing Jar Jar Binks ever said.
(Dengar to Mercurial Swift)
“Oh ho ho, you think I’ve lost a step, huh?”
“Can’t lose a step you never had.”
Dengar guffaws. “You little scrap muncher. I was putting away bounties while you were still in your space diapers.”
“What’s it say about you that you’re still in your space diapers?”
“You don’t much like me, do you?”
Anyway, aside from the fact that Dengar speaks like he’s in an old Errol Flynn pirate movie (“Oh ho ho”), what’s with “space diapers”? Are they different than regular diapers? Do little kids in Star Wars sleep in space cribs and eat space oatmeal? Why was it important to stress that these are space diapers?
NOTE TO CHUCK WENDIG: On any planet they would still be called plain old diapers.
NOTE TO SELF: Do not buy any more books written by Chuck Wendig.