And In Other News…

8 Jan

January 8, 2014

The homepage for my email (no Outlook or Gmail for me, brother!) has several helpful links, most of which I totally ignore. In particular, it has some news headlines (sandwiched amongst the ads) but none of them are complete. I never click on them. I prefer to get my news straight from the source: my Uncle Bertie. If it happens on my block, he knows it. Anyway, in the interest of filling up another sad blog entertainment, I decided to complete the stories. Here we go! (Fake excitement!)

headlines

TOP NEWS HEADLNES

Bigfoot’s corpse? Hunter says he’s got a freezer full of Sasquatch steaks and Yeti burgers. “Tastes like chicken!”

Racist baby slapper gets eight months in E! Television reality show deal. In a press release, E! described the show as “a reality show with a twist, where racist babies get what’s coming to them.”

Jet almost hits…UFO? NFL sources state that the New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith is more likely to hit a UFO than his receivers with his shaky arm.

Body parts fall from the sky in Saudi Arabia, as usual.

Serious problem in the ocean: Sardines lose keys to cans, can’t get out.

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ENTERTAINMENT

SNL finally lands black actress. This was much harder than landing a marlin or a tuna, executives admit. Next challenge: How to fillet her.

Sheen: Marriage tweet just a joke to annoy the four people who still follow me on Twitter.

Madonna posts picture of son, 13, holding his report card, showing four A’s and a B+. “I’ve never been more shocked by Madonna!”, cries internet.

Katy Perry demands: Dried figs. That’s all. Just a simple can of figs.

10 most charitable celebrities immeasurably smug.

 

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