Archive | August, 2011

Imponderable #13: Whatcom County Washington

19 Aug

August 19, 2011

I have a little problem with the way this article is written. It says that “a woman was killed when she was crushed by the stream roller she was operating.” I submit to you that in order to be crushed by the stream roller she had to be standing in front of it, and therefore not behind the controls, so the death occurred because she was not operating it, the exact opposite of what the Associated Press wrote. If she was operating it she could not have possibly been crushed by it. Nice job, Associated Press.

However, that is not the Imponderable, nor will I be making any jokes about how things like this only happen in cartoons, nor will I wonder if they had to use a spatula to pick her up, etc.

How could they not know if she were working on a personal or work project? Do they keep steam rollers just lying around for anyone to take? How many personal projects require a steam roller? How hard is it to tell? If she was paving a public street with a crew of workers, work project. If she was alone paving her driveway, personal project.

Does Whatcom County have a problem keeping track of their steam rollers?

The question is not imponderable, the answer is yes. Check out this story from almost exactly three years before:

Whatcom County has a population of just over 200,000. New York City has a population of over 8 million. A quick search shows that over the same period, New York City, a city with 40 times as many people and which is always under construction somewhere, had the same amount of steam roller deaths, two.

Why does Whatcom County have such a high rate of steam roller deaths?

The question is Imponderable.

Tags: , , , , ,

The Hillbilly Saves the Economy

18 Aug

August 18, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, The Hillbilly.


With all the talk about the economy and all the trouble on Wall Street I thought I’d give you some advice on how to increase your personal wealth. If everybody would follow some simple rules then we’d have this economy running like a tractor in no time.

1- No need to buy that expensive store-bought pig slop. Good hearty pig slop can be made out of left over parts, gullets, necks, feet, and gizzards and can go straight from your dinner plate to the trough.

2- Why buy a new set of clothes when you start a new job or third grade? A good pair of overalls can last you for years with a little patching in the seat, and it is easy to “accessorize,” like they say in the movie magazines. Change your rope belt for a length of wire and you’ve got a new wardrobe.

3- Who needs high-priced fur coats? Musk rat makes a fine weather keeper-outer, and if you shoot it yourself you can get a meal out of it too. Don’t forget to keep the scent glands, that’s good musk.

4- Making your own mattress isn’t just easy, it can be fun too. Get Granny to form a sewing circle, and the young ones can stuff it with hay from the barn. Just make sure you make it big enough to sleep all your cousins.

5- Schooling? Anyone still in school over age 12 is just putting on airs, I say. The sooner they get to working the sooner the children can pitch in and buy barbed wire.

6- I don’t know what the debt ceiling is or why it so long to raise it, but you and your friends can raise a barn or patch your own ceiling in a day and you only need a couple of jugs of moonshine and some hog ears for lunch.

7- Taxes only get paid if they can find you to pay them.

8- Old cans and jugs never get thrown away. Cans are good for target practice and shooting at them instead of your neighbors keeps you out of trouble. Jugs are good to keep homemade molasses in. And moonshine. A good can should last forever, and who buys canned goods anyway? Waste of money. Like some big green ogre can grow better peas than I have growing behind the outhouse.

9- Never pay a repair man to fix your radio. If you can’t get Ozark Pete on it that set isn’t worth fixing anyway.

10- Going in to town is always a waste of money, especially on a Saturday night. Town-girls are nothing but trouble and always looking for money. If you have to get a woman, look no further than your cousins. You know who they’ve been with and the money you spend on them stays in the family.

You all come back now!

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →