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Damn Vampire Carjackers!

1 Jul

July 1, 2010

I’m getting really worried about vampires. I don’t mean Twilight or any teen-angsty pale wannabees, I mean real-deal vampires out to stalk us normal folk. And they aren’t stopping at our blood, these bold ghouls are out to steal our cars too.

I present to you this evidence, from the newsroom of KVDR, FOX 31, Colorado:

Western Slope woman blames vampire for car crash
Web Staff KDVR Denver
10:24 AM MDT, June 29, 2010

FRUITA, Colo. – If a Western Slope woman is to be believed, vampires may be lurking in Colorado‘s Grand Valley.

The woman claims she spotted a vampire in the middle of a dirt road near
Fruita, Colo. Sunday night. She told Colorado State Troopers she was startled by the undead being, threw her SUV into reverse, and crashed into a canal.

She was not injured.

State Troopers say the woman’s husband arrived at the scene and took her home. The vampire, which was not seen by anyone else, apparently let her get away.

Troopers do not suspect drugs or alcohol to be factors in the crash.

For the love of God stay away from Colorado! Those vampires are brazen!  Lurking along dark roads, ready to carjack innocent drivers. It is not safe I tell you! What good is On-Star if the undead can materialize through our locked doors? They don’t even offer a garlic option!

This epidemic is not relegated to America. This story from Scotland is rather long, so here is the link to the story from the BBC News. Here is an excerpt: 

Child vampire hunters sparked comic crackdown
By Stuart Nicolson
BBC Scotland News 

When Pc Alex Deeprose was called to Glasgow‘s sprawling Southern Necropolis on the evening of 23 September 1954, he expected to be dealing with a simple case of vandalism.

But the bizarre sight that awaited him was to make headlines around the world and cause a moral panic that led to the introduction of strict new censorship laws in the UK.

Hundreds of children aged from four to 14, some of them armed with knives and sharpened sticks, were patrolling inside the historic graveyard.

They were, they told the bemused constable, hunting a 7ft tall vampire with iron teeth who had already kidnapped and eaten two local boys.

Fear of the so-called Gorbals Vampire had spread to many of their parents, who begged Pc Deeprose for assurances there was no truth to the rumours.

Newspapers at the time reported that the headmaster of a nearby primary school told everyone present that the tale was ridiculous, and police were finally able to disperse the crowd.

But the armed mob of child vampire hunters was to return immediately after sunset the following night, and the night after that.

Wake up America! We are falling behind the rest of the world in vampire vigilance! Scottish children score an average of 18 points higher on their Standardized Vampire Exams than American children. Japanese children are required to behead at least one of the undead before they turn nine.

Think I am overreacting? This vampire menace has gone all the way to the top. No, not Ryan Seacrest, vampires were a subject of heated debate during the Elena (Fred Flintstone) Kagan confirmation hearings:

From the NY TIMES:
June 30, 2010, 1:08 pm

Kagan Recuses Herself From Vampire v. Werewolf

During her Supreme Court confirmation hearing on Wednesday, Solicitor General Elena Kagan was jokingly asked by Sen. Amy Klobuchar, Democrat of Minnesota, for her thoughts on a particularly pressing issue.

Noting the “incredibly grueling day” Ms. Kagan had on Tuesday, Ms. Klobuchar remarked, “I guess it means you missed the midnight debut of the third ‘Twilight’ movie last night.” After some laughter, she added: “We did not miss it in our household, and it culminated in three 15-year-old girls sleeping over at 3 a.m.

Ms. Kagan said she was not able to see “Eclipse,” but Ms. Klobuchar nonetheless continued, “I keep wanting to ask you about the famous case of Edward versus Jacob or the vampire versus the werewolf.”

“I wish you wouldn’t,” Ms. Kagan said.

“I know you can’t comment on future cases,” Ms. Klobuchar said. “So I’ll leave that alone.”

Tune in tomorrow when Ms. Kagan is asked whether Dick York or Dick Sargent was the better Darrin on “Bewitched.”

I know, go ahead and smirk. Sure it looks like Sen. Klobucher (Democrat, of course) was on Kagan’s public relations team, but in reality she was bringing the vital issue of the Undead to the public’s attention the only way she can. I for one want to know Kagan’s stance on reanimated blood-craving corpses. (And speaking of, I’d be keeping a close eye on Sen. Robert Byrd’s crypt right about now. It has been about three days since he died and he should be rising within the fortnight.)

As American citizens, it is up to us. We must be prepared and ever-vigilant against the carjacking vampire hoards.

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