I Predicted This: How Hollywood Russell Predated The New Stonehenge Discovery

29 Sep

September 29, 2014

Did you see this headline last week? This story made news around the world.

henge

Turns out the Stonehenge is really huge, much bigger than we thought. Basically, researchers had been walking around, over, on top of, all kinds of crazy structures and objects, and not all of them were buried. A lot of the hills and mounds turned out to be hiding structures right in plain sight. Scientists were basically having picnics on top of those pretty hills and never realized what was going on right below.

This is why I should have been a Stonehenge researcher, because I would have discovered those mounds and buried objects ages ago. You see, I already had that theory 30 years back.

It was the late 80’s/early 90’s, somewhere in that area, and my friend and I were hanging out at Kings Plaza, Brooklyn’s version of a shopping center, working on various ideas for stories that we’d never write. Both of us were interested in Old Time Radio and most of our ideas tended to fit in the horror or detective genre. Sometimes both.

We had an idea for a show called The Corpse. It would be about a crime-solving corpse. (We put the emphasis on solving to differentiate it from all the other crime-committing corpses.) Basically, a bunch of Scooby Gang types would ride around with a dead man in the back of their car and they’d communicate with it by Ouija board.

JOE: Quick corpse, tell me, who’s behind the big bank robbery?
PETE: I’m getting something now. “B-I-G-B-R-U-C-E-F-R-E-E-D-K-I-N.” It’s Big Bruce Freedkin!
JOE: There’s something else coming through!
PETE: “D-U-C-K.” Duck? What’s that mean?
(SOUND OF A SHOTGUN BLAST)
JOE: They’re shooting at us! That’s what it means! Duck!

We also had an idea for a show called The Adventures of Seamus O’Reilly. Seamus was a sheep and his owner, Mother O’Reilly, was knitting him a sweater because he looked cold. She was knitting him a sweater out of his own wool. See why it never got made?

There was also someone called Stoop Nagle, but for the life of me I can’t remember if he did anything more than sit on a stoop.

All this brings me back to Stonehenge and the unlikely first adventure of Hollywood Russell.

In Hollywood’s first adventure, the plan was that he’d been tracking either smugglers or Nazi spies (or both) who were using a small plane to fly in and out of Coney Island unseen. Eventually the bad guys, fearing that Hollywood was getting too close, buried the plane under the Coney Island beach sand. From ground level you couldn’t see anything but some large dunes. Families would climb on them, kids would play on them, and no one could tell there was a plane below. Only when Hollywood went to the top of the parachute jump and got an aerial view could he see the outline of the plane buried below, kind of like the famous Nazca lines down in South America.

For some reason we found that idea farfetched (wonder what those Stonehenge guys would think?) and changed the story so that the plane was buried under the parachute jump during its construction. But that was even more ridiculous, especially considering that the boardwalk was between the beach and the attraction. Then things got worse from there.

And there you have seven degrees separation between Stonehenge and Hollywood Russell.

 

 

 

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Marcel Marceau, R.I.P. We Still Don’t Miss You

27 Sep

September 27, 2014

Marcel Marceau died seven years ago this week. He was 83 years old.

Marceau was the world’s most famous mime. While his face may not have been familiar, everyone knew his trademark striped shirt, bowler hat, and large flower. Frankly, he has not been missed.

He was a mime. And mimes are totally annoying. First of all, they don’t talk. Punch them in the nuts, they won’t groan. They are like the guards at Buckingham Palace, but less funny. Mimes walk around on nice summer days and pretend that they are struggling in the wind. Mimes laugh and cry at little flowers. Mimes get in your face and don’t get out until you give them money. Only pretentious PBS people like mimes. Supposedly they are practitioners of an art that goes back to ancient Greece. Big deal. The ancient Greeks had some funny ideas about young boys too.

Marcel Marceau’s funeral was a sight to see. A line of a dozen mimes strode side by side, pretending to be carrying an invisible coffin. The last in line pantomimed dropping it on his foot and limped the rest of the way. One in front pretended to pull the coffin with an imaginary rope. The eulogy was equally moving. Marcel was remembered by many of the mime community with these touching words:  “               .”

Before he was laid to rest, the assembled mimes first struggled to get out of an invisible phone booth, then laid their oversized flowers on the grave.

So Rest In Peace, funny man, let’s hope the art of mime ends here.

MURDERCHIMP!

26 Sep

September 26, 2014

Sometimes when I’m writing I have no idea when inspiration will strike. Remember my awesome TV pitch, President Hobo? That would make ABC millions! If only they answer my phone calls. And my movie treatment for Hamsterus! would have made DreamWorks a fortune, if it wasn’t for that restraining order Spielberg put on me.

Well I’ve done it again. There I was, wasting time on some stupid Hollywood Russell story and I realized what an idiot I was. Some guy from the last century named Hollywood? C’mon, his big claim to fame is that he wears a trench coat. Big deal, so did Winston Churchill at the Yalta Conference. Big whoop. I’ve been wasting my time. The public doesn’t want some old mystery dude, they want something new, something modern.

They want MURDERCHIMP!

I haven’t really figured out what a Murderchimp is, but trust me, this is the next BIG THING! I’m so sure it’ll be big that I’ve already written the back cover blurbs to what I know is going to be my bestselling idea. And it may not even be a book! I have no idea, but this has to be good, I can feel it!

MURDERCHIMP!

WHO is MURDERCHIMP?
WHAT is MURDERCHIMP?
WHEN is MURDERCHIMP?
WHERE is MURDERCHIMP?
WHY is MURDERCHIMP?
HOW is MURDERCHIMP?

435lancelotlink

MURDERCHIMP is the international assassin for hire. He works only for the highest bidders of the highest bidders who can bid even higher!

MURDERCHIMP is the high-flying, tuxedo-wearing, blood-letting, roller-skate traveling, internationally known assassin loved by women the world over and feared by men the world over!

MURDERCHIMP can scale walls, climb trees, eat bananas, and make love in 347 different positions!

MURDERCHIMP! The only chimp/assassin/jet-setter/Blaxploitation hero you’ll ever need!

MURDERCHIMP! Is always capitalized and never marginalized!

CELEBRITY KUDOS FOR MURDERCHIMP!

“It was Murderchimp, Sam!” – Jack Klugman

“I’ll never forget Murderchimp.” – Mohammed Ali

“If only we had Murderchimp to stop ISIL.” – President Obama, before Congress

This is going to be awesome! So what if Jack Klugman is dead, he’d LOVE MURDERCHIMP! So whatever MURDERCHIMP turns out to be- a book, bedsheets, contraceptive, whatever- rush out and buy seven or eight! Trust me, you’ll love it, and I’ll love the cash!

 

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