Here’s Why I Won’t See The New Fantastic Four Movie

28 Jul

July 28, 2015

LNMH FF

I already have ridiculously low expectations for the new Fantastic Four movie. The odds are against it. There have already been three lousy FF films, why should this be any better? And that’s pretty sad for me because the Fantastic Four is- hands down- my favorite Marvel title. I own every issue of the series on CD ROM. I have collections, collections, and more FF collections on my book shelves. The Thing is my favorite comic book character, beating out this blog’s perennial favorite superhero subject, Superman. But despite having seen superhero films about groups I barely pay any attention to (Guardians of the Galaxy) I will not see this film.

Why?

Because the Thing has no pants.

This is no joke on the expression “the Emperor has no clothes,” Ben Grimm is literally pantsless and naked in the movie.

FF Thing 2

I am not going to go into some geek explanation of how he’s not really made of rocks, his skin is tough and thick and rocklike so he has every biological attachment he should. I’m not going to even ask how he goes to the bathroom. No, my one and only problem is how stupid it looks.

FF Thing

If the filmmakers are going to make such a basic, dumb decision, and have their main character walk around like that, apparently neutered, then who knows what other stupid decisions they made.

Even in Watchmen, when Dr. Manhattan walked around naked, he was biologically correct.

This is a family blog!

This is a family blog!

So make any jokes you like about how Ben Grimm has been shortchanged, or how there’s no Giant-Sized Man-Thing here. I am not going to spend money to see what other stupid decisions they made.

Sheesh. All they had to do was give him a pair of shorts.

It's enough to make Jack Kirby cry.

It’s enough to make Jack Kirby cry.

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Van Gogh Likes The Latte

27 Jul

June 27, 2015

This is a companion to yesterday’s post. This wonderful chalk artwork was in front of the same San Juan, Puerto Rico café as the alien picture from Sunday. It makes you wonder how the course of history would have played out if only the beverages had been better in the past.

van gogh coffee

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