Tag Archives: urban legends

A New York Legend (3)

7 Nov

November 7, 2011

No, I don't know her

If you listen to conventional wisdom, and shame on you, the sewers of New York are in habited by alligators. And not just regular alligators, but a race of blind mutant albino alligators. Why not?

So being a lover of all things dark and mysterious, I put on my Carl Kolchak hat and set out to discover the truth. My first stop was the sewer. Sorry, I mean the internet. Same thing.

Stories of sewer gators go back to at least 1927 and no less a source than the venerable (meaning way past its prime) New York Times published stories of killer reptiles roaming the sewer tunnels all throughout the years.

The story goes that “years ago”- and you can’t see it but I was using air quotes- note to self- video blog- “years ago” a family returned from a vacation in Florida with a little more than they left with, a baby alligator. Really, you can’t get a better pet for your young child than an alligator, right? They only grow to like 12 feet. So time passed, as time often does in this dimension, and the alligator grew and grew and at some point the family must have realized that a small New York apartment is no place for a large apex predator. Obviously this story doesn’t take place in the Bronx.

Anyway, the poor little guy, meaning the alligator, not the child, ended up flushed down the toilet, no better than a dead goldfish or your car keys at the hands of a two-year old. Now before you start yelling “animal cruelty,” put yourself in the alligator’s shoes. So to speak. Lots of water to lurk in, dark, plenty of food- like rats, CHUDs, the occasional sewer worker- and did I say rats? Lots and lots of rats. I have to figure that if there was really a race of mutant alligators in the sewers there would be a lot less rats.

And that’s the point. According to snopes.com, it is totally false. No alligators live in the New York sewers. But hasn’t stopped several city-funded expeditions over the years. From time to time city officials have sent teams of men into the sewers to capture or kill the non-existent reptiles. Think about it. Loads of underpaid city workers wandering the sewers with high-powered rifles blundering around in the dark hunting invisible prey. If that isn’t a metaphor for New York City politics I don’t know what is.

And speaking of sewers, wikipedia (their motto: We Am Accurate) says that the New York sewer system stretches over 6,600 miles. It also says that New York has anywhere from 8 to 32 million rats. Those alligators don’t stand a chance.

This has been your New York Minute, and that’s one to grow on.

An audio version of this legend first appeared just last week in the amazing FlashPulp website. Check them out for awesomeness and goodies!

You can find the previous New York Legends here (The Invisible Bridge) and here (The Giant Turntable).

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A New York Legend (2)

29 Sep

September 29, 2011

This New York Legend is fat-packed with semi-scientific suppositions and imaginary engineering.

Beneath New York City, far below the sewers, underneath even the roaring subway, runs a series of water tunnels stretching from the Hudson River to the west to the East river on the opposite shore. These man-made subterranean waterways were constructed almost 100 years ago. They radiate into and out of a large chamber nearly a full block in width, located directly below a particular building on 5th avenue.

The water rushing into the chamber is harnessed to create hydroelectric power, which is used to operate a massive turntable. This piece of engineering is aligned perfectly with the building’s central axis and is stabilized by and synchronized to three 100-foot gyroscopes, ensuring that the turntable is attuned to the Earth’s rotation.

The entire system is accessible only at one point, through a an ordinary looking and unmarked door at the end of a long but unremarkable corridor just off the building’s main lobby.

Most people can’t tell you what the purpose of the gyroscope is, and in fact nearly no one but a very elite few know of its existence, but if you find yourself in mid-town Manhattan at 4am on a particular morning in early May, you just might notice that a certain tall building seems to have slightly rotated in its foundation by exactly 4.675 degrees. And if you direct your gaze upward, you might notice that the building’s antenna lines up perfectly with a certain celestial object.

Can you say it isn’t true?

Keep watching the sky!

This New York Legend is another one from New York radio legend Long John Nebel’s back catalogue, with confabulation and obfuscation by yours truly.

An audio version of this legend first appeared just last week in the amazing FlashPulp website. Check them out for awesomeness and goodies!

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