May 3, 2011

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STUPID NEWS PLAGUES COUNTRY

Mr. Blog to Mock Headlines Nationwide

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Ah, those wacky Turks.

Makes you wonder how Turkey manages to stay an independent country. One day Iran may knock on the door.

“Who is it?”
“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Please sign this.”
“Okay.” (Signs long legal document without reading it.)
“Hah! Now all your base are belong to us!”

Good luck, Turkey!___________________________________________________________________________________________

Ah, a true silent but deadly fart.

But all joking aside, this is a serious danger. Poison gas has a long history going back to antiquity but it was perhaps the battlefields of World War One where it reached its gruesome apex. But some good came of it. Take the case of Rondo Hatton. Once he was your average good-looking guy. Dime a dozen. But the war came, and Hatton, fighting on the front, was gassed by the enemy. Later he developed acromegaly, the same disease that brought fame and fortune to The Elephant Man. His features grew big and distorted. Hatton, who was once voted the Most Handsome Boy in school, became an ugly hulk. And of course a movie star. He went on to fame as The Creeper, a character he played in a Sherlock Holmes film. Money and celebrity followed. He could often be seen tooling around Hollywood and New York in his solid gold Rolls Royce, bikini-clad women dangling from him like bling to a rapper. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, bi-sexuals went either way. When he died in 1946 he got a Presidential state funeral and his body embalmed and put on display in the White House Rotunda.

Or he had a short and sad life, his disfigurement exploited in a series of small and cheap films. Take your pick.

Either way, I choose to end not with a picture of the tragic Mr. Hatton, but with a picture of Captain Kirk fighting a killer fart.

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How come Ghost Hunters never deal with this?

This then is the final proof that ghosts do not exist. Sorry, no ghosts, spirits, or poltergeists.

However, it is certain and unequivocal proof that houses are sentient creatures. They live and breathe, they have hopes and dreams, they hate it when you paint them ugly colors, chaff when you install aluminum siding, and see everything you do in the privacy of your bedroom, you weirdo.

Next time you see a construction worker tearing down a house, you are seeing a murder. A building collapse? Self-preservation. Think about it. Animals have PETA, but what about homes? Who will speak for the houses?

Not me.

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Ah, the fearsome Steven Seagal. Who wouldn’t tremble in fear at the sight of this guy riding a tank?

For a short while he had a bit of a career. He was never much of an actor, but before he got bloated he was a pretty good karate guy. Unfortunately he was gassed during World War One and developed acromegaly. His features grew big and distorted and Seagal, who once had a slightly promising movie career, became an ugly hulk.

What? That’s the same thing I wrote about Rondo Hatton? OK, take out the World War One thing and it still stands. Bloated? Check. Features grew big and distorted? Check. Ugly hulk? OK, ugly is in the eye of the beholder, but hulk? Check.

Anyway, now he has a career pretending to be a policeman riding a tank to a cockfight.

He must be proud.

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I don’t know what that means, don’t want to know what that means, don’t want you to tell me what that means.

Dave Cummings?

Tags: all your base are belong to us, bmj2k, Dave Cummings, farts, ghost hunters, haunted house, Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mr. BTR, News of the Weird, Rondo Hatton, star trek, Steven Seagal, Turkey, Uncle Creepy, weird news