Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

Breakfast- The Most Important Meal of the Day

11 Nov

from June 30, 2007

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride wold like to Congratulate BMJ2K – Winner of the 2007 NAACP Image Award on his Outstanding Achievement.

NOTE: The following originally appeared in Woman’s Day Magazine, February 2006, under the pseudonym “Breakfast Betty”

Breakfast has long been known as “the most important meal of the day.” Indeed, though there has been fierce competition from both brunch and dinner, it has always been the morning meal which gives us the strength to make it through our rough days.

Back in the badly misnamed “dawn of time” (misnamed because time actually began about six months earlier) the early hominids that would later evolve to become both the human race and the French (“la culture de la sauce crémeuse“) lived in a state of near-perpetual hunger. During the day fierce predators roamed, and at night the scavengers came out. Early man would hunt in the twilight and try to find whatever sustenance they could. It wasn’t until the discovery of fire led to the innovation of bacon and eggs did humanity’s ancestors feel secure and able to meet the daylight hours. Hash browns soon followed, then coffee, then the pyramids, and then, ultimately, The Federalist Papers.

In today’s modern age, it seems silly to look back just a few decades and realize that our great-grandparents never had the opportunity to eat an Egg McMuffin. Nor did they drink Sunny Delight or Hi-C. (Both of which, by the way, contain no more than 10% juice.)

The Egg McMuffin was created by a McDonald’s franchisee who wanted to increase his profits. He reasoned that his restaurant was only open half the day, but if he opened during the morning hours he would increase sales in the previously closed early hours. He hit upon the McMuffin because it could be easily made on existing McDonald’s equipment. (True story- look it up.)

Today, McMuffin-penetration in our urban areas is fast-approaching 98%. There is not a man, woman, pre- or post-op transsexual, or child who does not have the opportunity for a hearty morning McMuffin.

The question is not, of course, whether or not to eat an Egg McMuffin for breakfast. The question becomes where do you eat your McMuffin? Important as breakfast is, many of us take the McMuffin for granted. Eating on the subway or in your car is not breakfast. Eating at your desk and dripping crumbs on your computer isn’t breakfast. Neither is gobbling your McMuffin while trying to sell a house. (If you are a realtor, this is also not a good way to sell a home.)

Breakfast should be the most human and humane meal of the day. Lunch is often just whenever you can squeeze it in. Dinner is a hassle to be endured with your family or a bad date.

Breakfast, however,  should be the basis of a good day.

Heed my advice: Make a good breakfast the center of your morning. Take it from Breakfast Betty- this column would not have possible without a strong morning meal of pancakes and vodka.

Movers and Shakers Vs. Losers and Fakers

11 Nov

from June 21, 2007

Movers and Shakers. Yes! Power people! They get things done!!!!!! (And use lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Losers and Fakers. The dregs and drags. Bums who never ever use exclamation points in a sincere manner. Why? Because they’re fakers!

Well, the world can be divided into two categories.*

Firstly we have the movers and shakers. These are the men (and/or women) with whom you’d love to be trapped on an island with because:

A- They’d get you rescued

and

B- Some women look really hot in a business suit. **

Then there are the losers and fakers. If you had the misfortune to first be trapped on an island, and then discover that you were stuck with, on said island, this group of  slackers, then your only hope would be that the cannibals over on the next island get all fat and lazy on the others so you can steal one of their boats and get the hell out of there, because being stuck the losers and fakers means that island is your new home.

Famous Movers and Shakers:

George Washington

Genghis Khan

James T. Kirk

Famous Losers and Fakers:

Kato Kaelin

Jeff Spicoli

Gilligan

So ask yourself this: If you were trapped on an island, would you rather be stuck with Gilligan or Genghis Khan?

Before you answer, check this out:

Gilligan, from Wikipedia: The majority of episodes involved some failed attempt to get off the deserted island.

Gengis Khan, from Wikipedia: Genghis Khan is an iconic and beloved figure in Mongolia, where he is seen as the father of the Mongol Nation. On the other hand, he was responsible for the violent death of more people than any other individual before the 20th century. In many areas of southwestern Asia and Europe, he is still seen as a ruthless and bloodthirsty conquerer

I’d take my chances with Genghis.***

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, like most of what I write, not much, but I have to write something and if I wrote what I really wanted to write then Bonnie would be mad at me.

(By the way, if you haven’t yet read any of the footnotes, go ahead and do it now. I’ll wait.)

But somehow the losers manage to survive. Despite the fact that Genghis would probably whip up the locals into an army and conquer the surrounding islands, wouldn’t you rather be stuck with Gilligan? Because the odds are pretty good that, eventually, Genghis would kill you. The worst thing Gilligan will do is maybe drink the Professor’s cocoanut colada.

Losers serve society in at least one important way. They make us feel good about ourselves. For example, take the LHS Social Studies department. Case closed.

Fakers can also be cool.**** OK, George Costanza himself may not be cool, but wouldn’t it be cool to pretend you were an architect? Or even pretend to be a viable Presidential candidate, like John Edwards does?

But I guess the fakers are just more creative. Movers and shakers may get all the wealth and perks, but how many of them know how it feels to construct a web of lies and live in terror that you may forget who you told what lie and your whole house of deceit is just one mistake away from collapsing? Welcome to my life, Bill Gates!

*Or more.

**Before you call me sexist, I admit it ladies- I am sexist. So since we are agreed on that point don’t get all pms-y over this.

***This reminds me of a funny story. Back in junior high I had a history teacher who was so fat he would actually use his stomach as a globe. He’d point out a spot on his chest to represent, say, Outer Mongolia, and rotate himself so that his back was facing us and he’d use a pointer to pick out a spot on his back representing, say, Peru. That was the year that I realized that I never want to be a teacher.

****My favorite faker has to be the Fonz. No way he scored with all of those chicks. The guy would have been on a constant penicillin IV because of all the STDs he’d pick up. He was all BS in a leather jacket, albeit a cool leather jacket.