Tag Archives: Montana

John Newly Is Slightly Confused (Lying Awake With John Newly 6)

5 Mar

March 5, 20115

Lying Awake With John Newly theme song, Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior, ends.

John Newly: Who are you going to call? Why you’re going to call me! Hi, I’m John Newly, your overnight airwaves-buster, and this is Lying Awake with John Newly. Later tonight we’ll be talking with Peter von Strauss about his new book, called President Obama is Just What You Think. I’ve read some of part of one of the chapters of that book and let me tell you, it gave me something to think about. Also tonight we’ll have our regular Wednesday guest, Laura Millings, and she’ll share her investigation into the strange odor reported coming from a pants factory in Detroit. We’re going to start off with some phone calls after these words from our sponsors.

Commercial for WKAT’s Lawrence Welk tribute gala and charity hat-doff.

Commercial for John Newly’s new DVD, Worker in the Blight: How I Caught a Spiritual Flu.

We’re back and tonight I’ve opened up a special “unhealthy dog” phone line. Call in to talk about your unhealthy dog.  Just remember, I’m not a veterinarian, so if I try to prescribe your dog some medicine, you should probably not listen to me. First caller, Ellen from Billings Montana, you’re on the air.

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Caller: Hi John I heard your-

– Billings Montana. Is it cold there?

– show last night. Well, it snowed last night, so yeah, I’d say it’s cold. (Laughs). The reason I’m-

– I bet you get snow all the time in Montana! You should be used to it by now!

– Right, well, I just moved here. Anyway, on your show last-

– I move around a lot too. I used to be in the military. Are you in the military?

– No, I, no…

– Well thanks for the call. Wow, more snow. I think we’ve all had enough of that. Maybe it’s time to do another of our positive thought experiments. OK, everyone concentrate on no more snow. If it is snowing where you are you really have to concentrate hard. No snow. No snow. I’m looking out my studio window and right now it isn’t snowing. (Inaudible, off mic) My producer Fast Eddie just pointed out that it hasn’t snowed here in days. Well, maybe that’s because of my positive thoughts! (Laughs), there’s always a skeptic in every bunch.

We’ll take some more phone calls in just a minute, but first, ask yourself, do you run out of energy when you’re in the middle of a psychic reading? Do your crystals seem to be cloudier than they used to be? Friends, I’ve got just the solution. Call 1-800-555-WUZZIT for a guaranteed psychic solution. Now I can’t legally tell you what it is over the air, but if you go their website, wuzzitnotascam.com, you’ll see everything you can get for only $29.99. I sent them my money and I still haven’t gotten my box, but I was so amazed that I ordered two more anyway. Call now!

 

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Imponderable #61: Kalispell Montana

7 Sep

September 7, 2012

Are you familiar with ghillie suits? They are used by the military as camouflage. Imagine a dreadlocked Chewbacca dyed camouflage colors and you’ve got it.

And now, armed with that bit of background, on to the Imponderable.

Ah, what won’t people do for fame? I love the fact that the Trooper suspected that “alcohol may have been a factor.” Of course it was! Had to be! alcohol is always a factor in the fun things in life, like drunk driving, running naked through your in-law’s house,  or waking up next to Lindsay Lohan because c’mon, no one would do any of that sober.

“I think I am going to stand along the side of the road in a ghillie suit and fake a Sasquatch sighting” is generally not a sober thought unless you are a frat guy and even then you are likely drunk at any given hour of the day anyway. But this guy was 44 so there goes that excuse.

The funny part, the real insult added to injury (literally) part, is that after he got hit, he was hit by another car while he was lying in the road. At this point I am proud to say that the ghillie suit was working rather well. God bless our military.

BTW- did anyone else notice that the ages of the drivers that hit him were 17 and 15? We have an alcohol fueled imbecile, a piece of military equipment being misused, and ridiculously young drivers. Montana? This sounds like Hazzard County. Are Bo and Luke accounted for?

I have to admit that this is my favorite Imponderable to come down the road in quite a while. What did this guy want to get out of it? As practical jokes go this is pretty lame.

Why would anyone want to fake a Sasquatch sighting?

The question is Imponderable.

But very, very funny.

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