Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

July 8, 2010

Basketball fans in one NBA city will find a reason to wake up in the morning, as LeBon James will tonight announce which lucky town will have the honor of making him the highest paid player in the game.

For the cities that get rejected, the league has instituted a 24 hour NBA Suicide Hotline, as distraught fans from Cleveland to New Jersey suddenly find their lives no longer worth living.

James will announce his decision tonight during a one-hour ESPN variety show. “I really want to show off another side of me,” said the man who makes a living bouncing a ball. “I want to bring back the fun and excitement of live television.”

During the telecast, LeBron James will introduce special guests, such as 1970’s R+B group The Fifth Dimension, who are planning to debut their new single “Up, Up, and Away in My Beautiful Balloon 2010.” Also on the card are the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and David Cassidy.

LeBron plans on letting the losing cities down easy. “Every few minutes, I’m going to come out wearing a different team’s jersey. I’m going to take off that jersey and reveal another jersey under that, and a few minutes later I’ll peel that off until I get to the team I’m signing with. It’ll be a lot of fun and I’m sure the losing cities will take it all in stride.”

Plans are already in the works for “A Very Special LeBron James Christmas,” which will air on pay-per-view and be broadcast from his contractually obligated orbital space platform.

Cities from around the country wait with bated breath. Tonight, one city will emerge victorious, and another city will remain Cleveland.

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