Tag Archives: Fantastic Four

TV Then vs. TV Now

31 Jan

January 31, 2011

I don’t care what anyone says- TV used to be better. To prove it, all I have to do is say is say two little words- Jersey Shore. There ‘Nuff said. Want more proof? Real Housewives.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking- “But Mr. Blog! TV had crap like My Mother the Car, Manimal, and Supertrain! Not to mention Roseanne Barr.”

That’s all true, but none of them had the ratings of a crapfest like America’s Top Model, despite there being many, many less channels to choose from. Back them you had the stations between 2 and 13 plus some hazy UHF channels. Now your cable box goes into the thousands.

I have no excuse for Roseanne Barr.

I do, however, have proof that television used to be better.
Facts in the form of old TV Guide ads.

Aside from one of the milestones of classic TV- Who Shot J.R.?, this ad features one of the classic over the top shows, The Dukes of Hazzard. Why did I pick this particular ad? Because the Duke boys are using bows and arrows! In a show already totally silly, the Duke boys were not only expert drivers but also expert marksmen- with dynamite tied to their arrows! Does TV get any better than exploding arrows?

But not everyone liked the drama of Dallas or the shenanigans of the Dukes. for them there was family fare.

By “the whole bunch” they meant “everyone but Jan,” who was recast, and “no Alice either.”

And who better to kick off their show but such cheesy TV stalwarts Donnie and Marie? Everyone’s favorite fussy non-homosexual (though everyone thought he was) Tony Randall was along for the fun! Does it get any better?

It just got better.

So far we’ve had variety, action, drama, and jiggly women in tight t-shirts. What about the kids? Think of the children!

OK, I will.

Look at that lineup! Spider-Man! The Fantastic Four! The Beatles! King Kong! Casper! Bullwinkle!
And, uh, something called Milton the Monster.

Kids shows weren’t limited to Saturday mornings either. Remember these specials?

I ask you, where can you find Pac-Man on TV today?

Lest you forget, here is the most infamous TV special of all:

What a cast! All of your Star Wars favorites: Harrison ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, the guy who played Chewbacca, Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman, Art Carney, and Jefferson Starship. Because no one screams “Star Wars” like Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship.

What else did TV air at night? TV movies!

Sally Struthers in Hey, I’m Alive! The jokes just write themselves, and it is a good thing because I can’t come up with one myself. But seriously, think about her career and make up your own.

And of course, the previously bloggged Wonder Woman!

There was Killdozer (great title!)

And there was Star Trek II:The Wrath of Khan. This is an example of a simply great ad in a style that you never see nowadays.

And speaking of great ads, check this one out.

Now that is one great ad. Tales of the Gold Monkey was an action/adventure show in the Indiana Jones mold. Seriously, look at that ad. Who wouldn’t watch that show? Turns out a lot of people wouldn’t watch that show. It was cancelled after one season. In the pilot, they went after the fabled Gold Monkey idol and it turned out to be made of lead, which I guess is a parallel to the show’s ratings. However, I was a fan and trust me, it was a good show.

And speaking of shows that feature monkeys:

And speaking of shows that feature other apes:

I may be one of the few people who remember this show. Spun off from Hill Street Blues, it featured Buntz and one of his snitches moving to Beverley Hills, which also happens to be Standard Sitcom Plot number 14 (Fish out of water: low-class guy in ritzy neighborhood.) And notice the sneaky way they stuck in an ad for Cheers.

I have to admit that I never heard of this show, but I was hooked by the description- “St. Louis struck out in the World Series.. now it’s struck by KING TUT’S CURSE!” That is the exact kind of silly plot that my friend Marc and I came up with all the time when we were teenagers. That could be OUR lousy cancelled TV show!

On the other hand, here we have the opposite- a good TV show with a lousy ad.

Were there no photos available? Who came up with this? Gary Coleman looks like he is lost in some sort of romantic reverie. And read that description- “… all of his friends and some of his enemies…” What enemies? All I remember was the Gootch, played by Andrew Dice Clay, looking about ten years too old to be a teenager.

Lastly, TV used to be the home of cheesy movies and horror hosts. Anyone who grew up in New York remembers this Thanksgiving tradition:

Who didn’t stay up late at night to watch some of these?

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy is a poorly dubbed Mexican film from the 50’s and it is pretty much what you’d expect from the title, just a lot less fun. It shows up on cable from time to time and you really should check it out.

On the face of it this seems like a funny mistake- Movies of the ’50’s featuring Frankenstein 1970. but once you realize that Frankenstein 1970 was made in 1958 it makes sense.

Who would not have stayed home to watch that? Before you say “not me” remember, this was before TiVo and DVRs, before cable, before even VCRs were common. You bet your ass you’d stay home.

So there you have it. Indisputable proof that the television of yesterday was better than the television of today. Want more proof? Turn on BRAVO.

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Monday Night Was Magical

19 Dec

December 19, 2009

Monday night was magical. My sexy girlfriend and I (she’s a model) took a limo into the city, ate a fabulous dinner at a fancy restaurant, saw a Broadway show, and spent the night in a luxurious mid-town hotel. At least that is what I’ve been telling people.

Truth is I did no such thing. Well, I did go into the city, I did eat a meal, and I sort-of saw a Broadway show. You see, I tend to stretch the truth. Makes me feel like a big shot.

In reality, my brother and I took the train into the city to see the Rangers, AKA “The Broadway Blues” at MSG. So I say I did see a “Broadway show.” Sue me.

We started our Mid-Town sojourn at one of the greatest gifts Manhattan can bestow: Mid-Town Comics. They don’t need me to plug them but for the sake of taking up space in this blog I’ll do it. If there is something comic book related, they have it. If they don’t have it you don’t need it. They have two floors full of stuff that just compels the money out of your wallet. You don’t even know it. Walk in and ten minutes later you are standing at the register behind a pile of stuff Webster couldn’t see over while the guy behind the counter calls in your credit card and asks for a credit line increase. It is that good. There must be some magic in that old silk hat they found, how else to explain all the people buying $100 Wolverine busts?

If Mid-Town Comics has a problem, it is the one thing they don’t have and desperately need: a way in. As I said, they are two floors of the best stuff a comic book nerd could ever want. Trouble is, the two floors are the second and third floors of a building. The first floor is taken up by souvlaki stands, fake Rolex shops, the World’s Smelliest T-Shirt Shop, and an unmarked door guarded by a large bald man in sunglasses and a leather coat that must have taken the combined hides of four cows to make.

To get to the comics shop, you have to climb up a staircase to the second floor, a long straight climb without a landing. I assume there is a handicapped entrance somewhere- maybe the bald guy is guarding it. Aside from the long climb, the main trouble with the staircase is that it is too narrow. I hope no building inspectors are reading this. The staircase is too narrow for two people to pass. If someone is walking down and you want go up, you have to wait for the person to get to the bottom. Even if the guy going down the stairs is 96 years old, takes the stairs one step at a time and then waits to catch his breath, you’re stuck waiting.

I stepped on the bottom step to go up at the same time as someone stepped on the top step to go down.

We stopped.

I stared up.
She stared down.
I squinted at her, Larry David style.
She kept staring.

My brother said “oh this is bullshit!” and pushed past me and went upstairs. I followed along, and when we got to the top the woman kept staring at me. Who cares? I was where I wanted to go.

A lot of people have a wrong idea of comic book readers. They expect fat guys in Fantastic Four t-shirts and old baseball caps. Nothing could be further from the truth. Mid-Town Comics was crowded with men in business suits, guys in casual office wear, women in smart skirts. In fact, the only fat guy in a Fantastic Four t-shirt and an old baseball cap that day was me.

I spent about $80 to stimulate the economy (including a George Perez JLA collection and a hardcover of The Return of the Sinister Six. I tell you this in case you were going to get me either of these as a Christmas present.) and somehow managed to avoid the allure of the $100 Wolverine busts. We went to go back down the stairs and damn if there wasn’t a 96 year-old man coming up the stairs one at a time, catching his breath at every step.

Twenty minutes later we were down the stairs and on our way to eat.

TO BE CONTINUED

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