Tag Archives: Allan Keyes

What’s up with Japan? (Classic Allen Keyes is MIA Repost)

1 Oct

October 1, 2012

Where is Allen Keyes? Is this any way to start October, with Mr. Keyes MIA? Well, he’s not really MIA, I know exactly where he is. He’s too heavily invested in his fantasy sports league to do a little thing like write a blog. And I can’t blame him, since the season is winding down and the playoffs are about to begin. This is a serious time in the World Cricket Championships.

So I asked Mr. Keyes what I should run and he said to pick something at random. So I did. Luckily it fits his worldview as well as mine.

February 14, 2011

I have always maintained that culturally, Japan is as far away from us as, well, North America is from Japan. To a certain extent I can understand. There is something paradoxical about a culture which so quickly adopted Western garb and certain Western habits while also keeping alive traditional Japanese values. It is not uncommon to see men and women in business attire mixing with people in kimonos and robes at the local marketplace. However, it is hard to give them any kind of a pass when I read things like this:

I see Japanese people in masks around New York too but I simply chalked it up to fear of the bird flu. Turns out I was wrong. To say I don’t get it is to grossly understate it. I shouldn’t be surprised though. Compared to America, huge number of teenagers (and not-so-teenagers) spend entire days and weeks online in cyber-worlds that are more important to them than life itself. It isn’t uncommon to see young Japanese kids styling their hair to emulate their favorite manga or anime characters. OK, so maybe people over here wear Superman t-shirts and get Batman tattoos, but have you ever seen whole age groups dyeing their skin green like the Hulk?

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m making broad, unsubstantiated generalizations.

No I’m not.

Of course, this comes straight out of Japan.

Yeah, strapping yourself into a harness which electrically pulsates will really add “a human-like level” to online conversations. I wonder what the electric chair would add? More to the point, how long before this gets adapted for porn?

What is happening to human to human interaction when people think that a shirt which squeezes you while looking at your mother on a computer screen is the equivalent of a good night hug from your mom before you go to bed?

“For a while technology has been driving people apart, locking them in front of computer screens. Now we hope to use it to bring them together.”

No. All this new technology does is make it easier to be apart! Nothing can compare to another person’s touch, a parent’s embrace. Perhaps what we need is a device that kicks people off their computers so they can spend time with their families and get some genuine human interaction.

Taking this to the logical extreme, once this is perfected, you can take the human out of the equation completely. Once a computer screen and a hug shirt can mimic the human experience, how long until they can be programmed to do it with no person at the other end? Parents can program their computers to play goodnight messages, hug their kids, even tuck them in without all the hassle of actually doing it or even thinking about it. Kids are such a bother.

So why have them? The next step is not to replace the parent, but to replace the child. Why have a real child that poops and cries when you can have your computer mimic one? It can hug you, it can give you “a deep immersive experience.” All you would need is one child and millions of users can “interact” with it via these machines hooked up to computers. And it doesn’t even need to be a real child, just a computer program. Remember, this is the country that gave us the Tomagotchi.

Virtual parents and virtual children. The only upside is that with virtual sex, these losers will die out without ever procreating and maybe this whole stupid idea will become extinct.

Allan Keyes Presents Two Massively Underrated Movies

24 Sep

September 24, 2012

Everyone knows the hits, the best movies: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Titanic, Ishtar etc. etc. But it’s the underrated movies that need some love. So I’m here to recommend two movies that are well worth watching even though you may have totally overlooked them.

The Jerky Boys  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110189/

You’re familiar with the Jerky Boys right? The phone gag  guys? The fella  who does Mort Goldman (aka Sol Rosenberg ripoff) on the Family Guy?

                 

     

Incidentally, if you’ve never listened to these guys, do yourself a favor and pick up some of their albums. HILARIOUS. “Look Jerky, I don’t need to talk to you!”

This one is totally counterintuitive. It’s a movie based on two guys who do phone gags. How could it possibly be good?  Yet it is not only good…..it’s hysterical. It follows the adventures of “two low lifes from queens” who get mixed up with the mob and have to constantly talk their way out of trouble using an ever-present handy phone (or intercom or megaphone or whatever) to befuddle bumbling mobsters with their array of awful fake voices.  Do you have to be familiar with the Jerkies to laugh at this film? I won’t lie, it helps with some of the jokes, including seeing what a prick Brett Weir is, and the big reveal that old “Uncle Freddy” is really the capo de tuti capo.  But really, if you’re being exposed to Tarbash the Egyptian Magician, Sol Rosenberg  or Frank Rizzo for the first time…..it’s  still pretty damn funny.

This film is notable for a cameo by Ozzy, finding out his show has been upstaged by a band that’s way beneath him…..

In the meantime, a B (C?) level film of this caliber has some shockingly good talent attached to it: Vinny Pastore as (what else?) a mobster, and Alan Arkin(!) as the Mob Boss. You’ve never seen good cinema until you’ve seen a couple of fatsos shimmy down two stories using a string of “cock-dogs” as a rope (yeah….don’t ask)

Malibu’s Most Wanted   http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0328099/

Another shocking entry, mainly because Jamie Kennedy is dreadfully unfunny in just about everything he’s ever done.

Exhibit A:

Son of the Mask:

 

 Exhibit B:

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…………………….feh

Anyway, this film is hysterical.  Jamie Kennedy is Brad, the clueless son of the CA governor, who is in a tough election fight. Unfortunately for the Gov. and his staff (including Blair Underwood playing his best Carlton from Fresh Prince impersonation ) Brad really fancies himself as “B-Rad” (get it?!), rapper and all-around wigger. Think Eminem, except with some talent (HA! See what I did there??)

 

Anyway, “B-Rad” is causing the Gov. electoral troubles, so he hires some gangstas to really show him the hood, and put the fear of god into him. Well…he doesn’t exactly hire gangstas like this:

 

(and rest assured that here at Mr. BTR, we remain netural in all gang and rap wars. We learned our lesson from the Polka Wars back in the 80’s)

No, he hires “gangsters” like this:

That’s right….Anthony Anderson and Not Tommy Davison are really two effete actors who couldn’t pass for street if they were the only people left on earth. Even the plants and microbes and the sun would laugh at them. But they’re the perfect guys to throw a scare into delusional son-of-Gov.  Well OF COURSE, these two clueless gits wind up losing B-Rad in the REAL ghetto -you can tell it’s the real ghetto, because one of the gangstas is helpfully played by the awesome Terry Crews:


(On a related note, I’ll actually stick a 3rd underrated film in here: Idiocracy, where Crews plays President Camacho. I’d vote for him over Obama or Romney any day!)

 

And OF COURSE, B-Rad, through his own cluelessness, becomes the king of the ghetto (Dubbed “White Kong”) after singlehandedly defeating a rival gang in a shootout:

 

Now into this, let’s add Brad’s just-as-clueless and just-as-wannabe friends, who get word and feel they have to rescue him.

 

That’s right….Kumar and two other dopes charge off to the rescue, ready to fight the hood with an antique blunderbuss and a speargun. And yet, it somehow works!

This is one of those rare films that shows that Blacks and Whites are equally clueless. Both hardcore gangbanger and klansman can enjoy a belly laugh over this film. AND YOU SHOULD TOO!! (assuming that our readership does in fact have other people besides gangbangers and klansmen among its number) 

Anyway, hopefully you watch these two films and enjoy as much as I do! Next week I’ll review The Innocence of Muslims!

This is an actual screen cap from that “film.”