Run, Willrow Hood, Run!

1 Dec

December 1, 2010

As Groucho Marx once said, “I don’t care to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”

Brilliant guy that Groucho. Also very unhappy and disappointed much of the time, but then again who isn’t? Or maybe it’s just me.

Anyway, the point of that, at least as far as it concerns me, is that people take things too far. Sure, I like Star Trek. I’ve bought many of the action figures, can name most of the original episodes, and I’ve even been to a convention or two. However, I’ve never worn pointed ears, learned to speak Klingon, or memorized all the rules of Fizzbin, the game Kirk made up in episode 46, “A Piece of the Action.” It is bad enough I know all of that.

I also like Superman but can I name all the effects of the various colors of kryptonite? No I cannot. (Well, some of them…)

I have various interests, but I don’t take them too far. Do I have Dark Shadows on DVD? Yes. Do I wear a cape and fangs and claim to be a vampire like those Twilight goofs? No I don’t.

This brings me to a group that I used to think were second to Trekkies in obsessiveness but I am now rethinking, Star Wars fans.

When I was a kid in the 70’s and 80’s I had every Star Wars figure. Even into the 90’s if a figure came out that I thought was cool I’d get it, and even just a few weeks ago I bought a sandtrooper figure to stick on my bookcase. Geeky? Maybe a little, but I don’t wear Clone Wars underoos and I never even saw the cartoon.

But the figures were cool, at least the original three films, but George Lucas is never finished, whether it is buying plaid shirts or expanding the Star Wars universe. And really, who can blame him, when Star Wars fans are so obsessive that they will buy anything no matter how obtuse or vaguely connected to anything even sort of Star Wars? For example, take this guy;

Sure you know him, Willrow Hood. Looks like a cool figure, right? With an Elvis-like pompadour, paunchy bulge, and pale orange jumpsuit, who wouldn’t run out and buy him? C’mon, think! He was in The Empire Strikes Back, the best Star Wars film. He was even in the pivotal escape from Bespin sequence when Leia and Lando were trying to save Han from Boba Fett, Jango Fett’s son, who was taking the carbonite- encased smuggler back to Tatooine to collect the bounty Jabba the Hutt had put on Han for dumping his load of spice – WHOA, OK, now, the point of this is to prove that I’m NOT a geek, heh heh, moving on.

Anyway, still don’t remember him? Here is the paunchy guy himself from his big scene in the film.

Didn’t see him? Don’t tell me- you blinked and missed him at the 49 second mark.

Here is his big, and only, scene again, slowed down and repeated.

Run Willrow run!

 

And if you still need more, here he is, ready for his closeup.

I have just given this man more attention than the film ever did.

What’s he carrying? Looks like a coffee maker to me. So I guess this guy is the barista of Bespin’s only Starbucks franchise. Your guess is as good as mine, but this is what the action figure really is according to his profile:

Willlrow Hood was a Human male miner who lived and worked on Cloud City, a floating station located above the gas giant Bespin. He worked for A’roFilter, a mining company sympathetic to the Alliance to Restore the Republic, as the head of the department responsible for dealing with the Rebel Alliance, supplying discounted Tibanna gas. Eventually, though, the Galactic Empire invaded and conquered the planet; in order to protect the Rebellion contacts Hood was responsible for, the miner took A’roFilter’s main computer’s memory core, as it contained the encrypted information on Rebel contacts. After finding the nearest disposal unit, Hood dumped the entire core, rather than risk it falling into the wrong hands; thus, Willrow Hood was able to save the Alliance‘s interests. Hood remained on Cloud City throughout the Imperial occupation, suffering imprisonment and torture but revealing nothing.

Eventually, he joined together with Tian Chyler, a former Imperial Security Bureau agent disenfranchised with the Empire who had defected, transmitting information on Cloud City‘s Imperial-run defense systems. Utilizing this information, the Alliance was able to liberate the planet from the Empire’s control. After the Rebels’ victory, Hood decided to take it easy.

Really? REALLY? Who is buying A- this story and B- this figure? Not me. this is not the sort of character to have a name, let alone a silly back story like that. If he gets a figure, a name, and a story, then so do all the guys dead on the beach in Saving Private Ryan. That’s what I’m waiting for, all 19,678 of them to get back stories.

Why won’t I join any club that would have me as a member? Willrow Hood. Who was clamoring for this figure? Who is buying it? Who needs it? This is why people hear you are a Star Wars fan automatically think you are a geek. OK, I get the point that you can’t have 18 Darth Vader’s and you need some other people around, but this guy was onscreen for two seconds carrying a coffee maker. And to make things worse, if you check around on the web, some tools have been begging for this figure for years!

My God, when will these guys discover women?

On the other hand, the actor who plays him probably never expected to be getting action figure money all these years later, so good for him, whoever he is, because no one seems to know who he was. Oh the irony.

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Ch-Ch-Ch- Chia!

30 Nov

November 30, 2010

The Chia Pet.

Everyone knows them , but does anyone actually own them? Have you ever seen anyone with a Chia Pet in their home? I haven’t.

And what actually is “chia”? It is a species of sprout in the mint family that is still used in Central and South America for some recipes. In North America, we know better than to eat anything that grows out of Mr. T’s head.

The Chia Pet was invented in Mexico, which on the one hand seems to explain everything, but on the other doesn’t quite explain enough. Meanwhile, the government has been so busy debating immigration from Mexico that it has totally ignored importation from Mexico. I think we can all agree, this has to be stopped. Enough already. I am sure that there are plenty of cheaply made crappy American products that can clog up store shelves rather than these things.

But really, who doesn’t love Chia Pets?

OK, I meant that rhetorically. NO ONE loves Chia Pets. No one wants Chia Pets and no one gives Chia Pets. OK, somebody is buying them. But who?

  • The slacker shopping for presents at Rite Aid the hour before Christmas.
  • The guy at the car wash on his way to see his kids for his court ordered visitation and who thinks he shouldn’t show up empty-handed.
  • The woman on her yearly visit to her aunt in the nursing home.
  • I don’t know.

I don’t get it.

Looked at as a statue, they are pretty silly looking. The original Chia Pet was a sort of four legged barrel that looked vaguely like a farm animal but they called it ram. That may pass for art in Mexico but here it looks like something your six year old niece made in art class and gave you for your birthday.  Looked at as a houseplant, they sort of look like weeds. Looked at as food, there must be something wrong with you, though I suppose a housecat might not mind munching on one. If you showed up for a blind date and saw that her house was decorated with Chia Pets, you’d run.

If the Chia Pet had remained stuck in the 80’s there might be a kitsch factor, but they’ve continued to update those things, right up to today, so they’ve taken away any nostalgia factor there may have been.

Here, courtesy of Wikipedia which is good for stuff like this but lousy for important stuff, like facts, is the list of Chia things:

1982 Wave 1 — Original Chia Pet (later called Chia Ram) introduced.
198x Wave 2 — Chia Bull, Chia Puppy, Chia Kitten, and Chia Tree introduced.
1993 Wave 3 — Chia Bunny, Chia Turtle, and Chia Herb Garden introduced.
1995 Wave 4 — Chia Pig, Chia Frog, Chia Hippo, and original Chia Head (later called Chia Guy) introduced. Chia Ram and Chia Bull discontinued.
1996 Wave 5 — Chia Elephant, Chia Kid, Chia Professor, Chia Clown and Chia Terra Cotta Herb Garden introduced. Chia Herb Garden discontinued.
1998 Wave 6 — Chia Cow and Chia Lion Cub introduced.
2000 Wave 7 — Chia Dinosaur, Chia Elmer Fudd, Chia Taz, and Chia Tweety introduced. “Watch-Me-Grow Chia Cards” included. Chia Mr. T issued briefly for TV Land promotion.
2002 Wave 8 — Chia Scooby-Doo, Chia Shaggy, and Chia Homer introduced. “Watch-Me-Grow Chia Cards” discontinued.
2003 Wave 9 — Chia Bugs Bunny, Chia Daffy Duck, and Chia Bart introduced.
2004 Wave 10 — Chia Shrek, Chia Donkey, Chia Garfield, Chia Cat Grass Planter featuring Sylvester and Tweety, and Gourmet Chia Herb Garden introduced. Chia Terra Cotta Herb Garden discontinued.
2006 Wave 11 — Chia Bear, Chia Alex and Chia Marty introduced, Chia Ram and Chia Bull reintroduced, Chia Kid, Chia Clown and Chia Lion Cub retired, Chia Alarm Clock included with all Chia Pets, Chia Heads and Chia Tree, Cuddly Chia Puppy and Cuddly Chia Cub introduced.
2007 — Pack-ins expanded to include Mini Chia Cuddly and Chia Watch.
2008 Wave 12 — Chia Po, Chia Tree with Star Light, and Chia Cat Grass Planter featuring “snoozing kitty” introduced. Chia Ram, Chia Bull, Chia Turtle, Chia Bear, Chia Elmer Fudd, Chia Bugs Bunny, Chia Daffy Duck, Chia Tree, Cuddly Chia Puppy, and Cuddly Chia Cub discontinued. Pack-ins include Mini Chia Cuddly and Chia Playing Cards. Chia Obama “Determined” and Chia Obama “Happy” released in April 2009, after normal selling season.
2009 Wave 13 — Chia SpongeBob, Chia Washington, Chia Lincoln, and Chia Liberty with Torch Light introduced. Chia Obama “Determined” added to normal production and selling season. Chia Turtle discontinued. Pack-in items in normal Chia Pets discontinued.

Here is their latest ad:

“The Special Edition Proud to be American (made in Mexico) Chia Series.”

What better way to honor the founding of our nation with a Chia George Washington? (He was, of course, famous for his wooden teeth and houseplant hair.) Or the freeing of the slaves with a Chia Lincoln featuring nappy Chia hair? (And why not a chia beard while they were at it?) And a Chia Statue of Liberty? This is what our immigrant forefathers dreamed of seeing when they came to America?

(There are also a pair of Chia Obamas which I modestly decline to comment upon, out of fear of insulting the Chia.)

Somehow, these things are big sellers. Are they all just given as gag gifts? Lousy Secret Santa presents? Stocking stuffers for people you don’t like? I don’t see the appeal of a small bust of an orange dinosaur with green grass growing out of his head sitting on my shelf.

It is also worth noting that the same company makes The Clapper.

Here is the original Clapper ad in which the old woman seems to clap off her pacemaker:

In 2011, watch for the Chia Mr. Blog, which points and laughs at you as it grows.

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