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Would you hire THIS gentleman for your child’s party?

15 Oct

October 15, 2012

Hi everyone! Sorry I had no content for you the other week. (Or, given the state of my drivel, maybe it should be “you’re welcome”)  I was too engrossed in my fantasy baseball playoff finals to write. Seriously.  Anyone out there play fantasy baseball? If yes, you’ll be familiar with this. Getting into the finals are a chore, I was leading my opponent pretty good but then the guy decided to stream pitcher after pitcher and I had to match otherwise I’d basically give up several categories without a fight. But that takes lots of research, making sure I pick up good pitchers, etc. And believe me, I didn’t  invest $200 and 7 months of my life so I could lose in the finals to a guy who names his team “The Farts”. Seriously.  During the season when he won a weekly matchup he’d post the same obnoxious message in the forum “YOU JUST GAWT FARRRRRRTED ON!”  The amount of “Rs” in the word fart depended on how badly he beat you. Seriously again. So rather than have to listen to that, I spent an entire week+ researching 3rd-tier starting pitchers with names like Erasmo Ramirez  http://espn.go.com/mlb/player/_/id/31983/erasmo-ramirez  and Esmerling Vazquez.   http://espn.go.com/mlb/player/stats/_/id/29996/esmerling-vasquez  Yes, it was much fun as it sounded like.

Anyway, yes I DID win, thanks for asking.  The message I posted for “The Farts” was much too graphic and scatological to go into here. The good news is now I only have to spend Sundays watching NFL RedZone to see how my fantasy football teams did. (RG3 BABY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!)

Yeah, I’m both a degenerate gambler and a nerd. That’s the fantasy sports demo in a nutshell. Now onto this week’s stuff!

Check out this 30 seconds of hilarity:

I see this commercial every evening on my local station and I gotta say…….HELL YEAH I’D HIRE THIS GUY FOR MY KID’S PARTY!!!!  Well, I would actually only if I was divorced and wanted to endlessly piss off the ex by hiring this epic fail clown for the worst kids party evah.

I mean, look, here’s a video of “Uncle Majic” that he posted HIMSELF. So it’s his own fault really. Note the crying birthday girl:

WHY IS HE YELLING AT THOSE KIDS SO MUCH??  It’s like having a birthday party with R. Lee Ermey as the entertainment.  And where’s “Uncle Majic” anyway? It’s just some dude in a sweater. It’s like paying to see a Madea movie and only seeing Tyler Perry.                 

        

The costume certainly does matter. Heck, if I actually shelled out for this guy part of the reason would be expressly to see him in that awfuk outfit. (Not “awful,” “awfuk.” Try it, you’ll like it. – Mr. BTR)(Thanks for not correcting my typos. – AK)  Now the gentleman in question certainly does have magic (or should I say “majic”) skills – my only magic trick is making a giant Italian hoagie disappear in short order – but I’m not sure I’d have him come yell at my kids and make my birthday child cry. But hey, the hip hop magician has got to be better than the Egytpian Magician:

PS- When searching “Uncle Majic” on google, I came across this one:

God I love/despise the internets!!!!!!

Mr. BTR here. I love Uncle Majic. If I were having a party I’d invite him just so I could heap abuse on him. But I do admire the guy. He is always on and always in character, even if his only audience is the bored guy at the car wash who couldn’t give a crap about the Hip-Hop Magician. This guy’s life is bad enough, washing cars in the middle of the night; he has to put up with this too?

 

 

 

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What would Miss Manners say?

4 Oct

October 4, 2012

I was faced with an etiquette dilemma yesterday. Etiquette is an interesting subject. There are rules for every situation. Which fork do I eat my salad with? How long do I wait before writing a thank you note? Should I tell my date she has food stuck in her teeth? Stuff like that. Not that I really care. These are the stupid rules that I don’t live by. Which fork do I eat my salad with? Whichever is in my hand. How long do I wait before I write a thank you note? I dunno, never wrote one. I said “thank you” at the time the event I was thanking them for occurred. Should I tell my date she has food stuck in her teeth? Not if I want her to put out.

But I do have to admit that once in a while I am faced with some social situation that I wish there was a handbook for. For example, I think there was a dead man in the men’s room yesterday.

At times like this I wish Mr. Know-It-All was still around because this is right up his alley.

Let me say a (mercifully very) few words about my bathroom philosophy. In a nutshell, I am all business. I don’t talk or socialize, I don’t conduct business, I go in and do what I am there to do and leave as soon as possible. OK, maybe I’ll send a text while I’m siting there but who hasn’t done that? There is nothing enticing to me about the men’s room. I will therefore avoid anything less than clinical in this description. 

I went into the men’s room at The Company I Am employed by and was immediately struck, almost physically struck, by the smell. It was a stench the likes of which can only be found in Satan’s can of air freshener. In normal situations I’d turn around and use the facilities on another floor, but in this case I really had no choice. Not if I wanted to retain my dignity. So I went in and rushed to the urinal and yada yada yada the stink only got worse the longer I stayed there. So I rushed over to the sink (no matter how diabolical the odor I still wash my hands and you better too!) and as I was washing I looked in the mirror and had a view of the closed stalls behind me.

I thought I was alone. There was not a single sound, other than those I made, the whole time I was in there yet the mirror showed me the feet of a man in the stall. Nothing remarkable about the shoes. They were the average shoes you’d see on a businessman, and I am not enough of a lavatory detective to identify a man from his shoes in the bottom of the bathroom stall, nor do I care to be.

But they didn’t move.

The stink was only getting worse yet whatever was causing it was doing so soundlessly. The man in the stall seemed to be totally motionless. And the stink in the men’s room could only be caused by the rotting dead.  Either that or it was the stench that killed the guy and I wasn’t sticking around to find out.

I hurried out and went back to my desk.

What should I have done?

A- Ask the guy in the stall if he is OK.
This makes no sense. If he is fine then it will do no good to embarrass the guy by pointing out that he stinks like road kill. If he is sick then I sure don’t want to catch the evil effluence that he has. And if he is dead then the question is moot.

B- Inform someone that there is a dead man in the men’s room.
If I am wrong then all I have done is embarrass myself, not to mention the guy in the stall when security arrives to investigate.  And if he is dead then my filling out forms and spending time telling various authorities about how I found the corpse on the toilet will not do him any good, let alone me.

C- Do nothing and pretend you were never there.

C. I did C.

I never did find out if the guy was dead, but when I went back at the end of the day the bathroom had been sanitized to within an inch of its life.

 

For another men’s room etiquette issue, click here.

You know another guy who doesn’t follow social conventions? Larry David. Here is one of my favorite bits.

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