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You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit in the wind, and you don’t sue if you get hit by a train.

11 Mar

March 11, 2011

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t spit into the wind
You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
You don’t walk on train tracks
And you don’t mess around with Jim, da do da do…
                -Jim Croce, with additional lyrics by the Bar Association

OK, that isn’t quite the song but it probably should be.

I’ve covered stupid lawsuits before. They’ve been around since the dawn of time.

Take the Judgment of Paris. Paris, (a Trojan citizen, not the city) was chosen by Zeus to pick the most beautiful goddess. Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite each claimed to be the fairest. This was not Athena’s finest moment. Aphrodite was the goddess of love and thus generally accounted the most beautiful goddess. As Zeus’ wife, Hera was the Queen of the Gods of Olympus and also Athena’s step-mother. As the goddess of wisdom you have to wonder what Athena was thinking. It seems like a pretty bone-headed idea to get in that contest. And for what? A golden apple. It was probably just gold-plated anyway.

Paris wasn’t too swift either. The safe pick was probably Hera. However, he let himself be swayed by Aphrodite. That’s not hard to believe when you consider that she bribed him by offering him the love of the world’s most beautiful woman. Don’t judge either of them too harshly as cheating was to the Greek Pantheon as chubby teenage girls are to Justin Bieber. Hera offered to make him king of most of the known world and Athena offered him unbeatable wisdom in warfare. Again, what was Athena thinking? If he was King of the world and had Hera on his side, he wouldn’t need help from Athena. And again, Paris was not very quick on the upswing. As king of the world I bet he could have easily gotten the love of the world’s most beautiful woman. I’m not saying Helen of Troy was a gold digger but you never saw her with a broke… you know what I mean.

And if you consider how this was all orchestrated behind the scenes by Eris the goddess of discord as revenge for a party snub then they all look like stooges.

This led to the Trojan War.

The moral of the story? Like lawsuits, common sense has been lacking since the dawn of time. And a lack of common sense and stupid lawsuits go hand in hand.

For example, the article above suggests a pressing need for signs like this:

Of course, that is hardly original. For example, this warning sign was found just inside the walls of Troy attached to some wooden ship beams that had been made into the shape of a horse:

That Odysseus was one clever fellow. When he wasn’t dressing as a woman and pretending to farm on the beach to dodge the draft he was a pretty shrewd fellow. He knew the one thing those warning signs do: Absolutely nothing. But it did keep him indemnified from all the lawsuits brought by the families of all the Trojans he slaughtered.

But shrewd as he was, Odysseus could never have been licensed as a barber in California:

Want more fun with Jim Croce? Check out this video:

By the way, doesn’t “Jim Croce and the Bar Association” sound like a good name for band?

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The Cockfighters

16 Feb

February 16, 2011

“No one in this world, so far as I know … has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.” HL Mencken said that and to this day no one understands what it means. Why? Because the average person is stupid.

OK, I know that sounds nasty. You probably expected me to continue that last sentence with “but,” as in “OK, I know that sounds nasty but in reality…” Sorry. Not going to happen. It’s that kind of blog.

I may be cynical but I believe that I come by that cynicism honestly. The average man does stupid things. Just look at any seasonal news stories. Thanksgiving: Man dies from burns received when attempting to flash-fry a turkey in an oil drum. Fourth of July: Man attempts to start a barbeque by tossing gasoline on his grill and dies of third degree burns. And the worst burn of all: Valentine’s Day: Man gets married.

And then there are sporting events. I am not knocking the sport of boxing, but what sane man would voluntarily compete in a sport where there is the likelihood of repeated intentional blows to the head? Neither am I knocking hockey, but what sane man would voluntarily compete in a sport where there is the likelihood of repeated intentional blows to the head? And soccer? What sane man would compete in a sport where the sound of vuvuzela’s drive you out of your friggin’ head? My God, it was bad enough listening to that crap on TV, but to have to be in the stadium while thousands of people blow those cheap plastic Happy Meal horns so loud that you can’t hear yourself tell them to shove those horns up there asses? And yeah, what sane man would voluntarily compete in an event where there is the likelihood of repeated intentional blows to the head? That soccer ball has to hurt.

Perhaps this may be a good time to warn you that this blog may contain a bit of salty language and slight sexual innuendo. How can I avoid it when the main topic is cockfighting?

I will now pause while you snigger and get it all out of your system. Go ahead, laugh. After all, we’re talking about cockfights. BTW- you may want to be careful when you type that into your search engine.

Also, while it may be factually and linguistically correct to refer to the fighting birds as “cocks,” I am going to stick with the much safer word “roosters.” If you need an explanation then the internet is not for you.

According to wikipedia, proved accurate a mere 23% of the time, “The combatants, aptly referred to as gamecocks, are specially bred birds, conditioned for increased stamina and strength. The comb and wattle are cut off in order to meet show standards of the American Gamefowl Society and the Old English Game Club.”

Well yeah, but no. See, that assumes that you are following international cockfighting rules, which you can’t in America or Europe. It is illegal to stage cockfights in those parts of the world. But of course it goes on, in cellars and basements, in Michael Vick’s house, in the back of bars, really, anywhere out of the view of the American Gamefowl Society and the Old English Game Club. And trust me, those people running the fights do not play by the rules.

For example, what wiki fails to mention is that some people are stupid enough to attach weapons to the bird’s feet. Whoever thought it was a good idea to strap a knife to a rooster’s foot?

Apparently Jose Luis Ochoa did.

It is hard to have faith in your fellow man when you read stuff like that. The Wide World of Sports really needs to make him their agony of defeat guy.

Speaking of sports, we need some balls. Harry Baals.

The Harry Baals building. I hear the Harry Baals building has a really short elevator shaft, if you know what I mean. (Yeah, well, that’s why I’m not writing porn.)

The Deputy Mayor is right. Once you name that building after Hairy, uh, Harry Baals you are going to get no end of attention, just not the kind you’d like. Look no further than Beavis and Butthead for proof. (Remember how this blog started, people are stupid? I’m still on point.) I can’t link to it because there is no good copy on youtube, but remember how they tortured Harry Sachz? For Wayne doesn’t need that. If this were Detroit I’d say go for it, but what has Fort Wayne done to you?

PT Barnum once said “We are all, no doubt, born for a wise purpose.” After reading these stories, I prefer this quote often attributed to Alexander Hamilton: “The masses are asses.”

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