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You Can’t Play Baseball Without Balls

16 Jan

January 16, 2014

The Chicago Cubs. Loveable losers of baseball. They have a great ballpark, albeit kinda rundown, and some great players over the years. but never a mascot. Until now. The Chi-town Cubs unveiled their first ever mascot yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, Clark the Cub.

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Cute, huh? I’m not sure what “cute” has to do with being a MLB mascot. The Philly Phanatic is some sort of tongue-lashing beast, The San Diego Chicken is a fearsome warrior, and Mr. Met suffers from hydrocephalus. None of them are cute. So rightfully so, reaction among baseball fans has been clear and absolute: they hate the thing. And so they set out to destroy it. Deadspin.com started a contest to see who could deface the mascot in the funniest way, and trust me, there are many. Well, one stood, um , not head and shoulders, exactly, above the others, and was the clear winner. In fact, some local media was covering the mascot and somehow (and I really want to know how and who got fired) one of the Deadspin versions aired instead of the real one. Let’s watch and see how professional newsreaders handle the unexpected.

He’s friendly, he loves kids, he doesn’t wear pants. You can’t script this, folks.

In other news, Florida’s Billy the Marlin has been arrested for soliciting a prostitute.

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January 15th in Time! (Not space, just time.)

15 Jan

January 15, 2014

In my continuing, failing effort to bring a sense of perspective to America, I present the historical events that shaped our country, all of which took place today, January 15th.

1- New Connecticut (Vermont) declares independence, 1777 Yup, how’d that work out for ya? Didn’t keep that “New Connecticut” name long, huh? That name needed a serious rethink. But I think it ended up OK. When I think of Vermont, I think of Maple syrup and the Green Mountain Boys. When I think of Connecticut I think of traffic around Hartford.

3-Molasses floods Boston streets, 1919 This is true and it is one of my favorite historical events. A gigantic vat of molasses collapsed and (slowly) flooded the town in sticky goo. Buildings were knocked down, people got trapped and drowned, and the smell lingered for ages. This really happened.

Molasses_Flood_Historical_Marker

2- Ford Foundation is born, 1936 And in 1952, she changed her name to Anna Smithson. Seriously, would you like to go through life named after a philanthropic organization? Poor girl was mercilessly teased in high school, with all the teenage guys trying to give her a “donation.”

4– First appearance of the Democratic donkey, 1870 That was the first, but definitely not the last, jackass the Democrats have run for election.

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