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February News Roundup- Animal Edition

23 Feb

February 23, 2011

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STUPID NEWS PLAGUES COUNTRY

Mr. Blog to Mock Animal Headlines Worldwide

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I find this very prudent on the side of Australia. Much like atomic testing awakened Godzilla, and an erupting volcano brought Rodan out of hibernation, Cyclone Yasi could potentially bring a flock of giant birds to terrorize Australia. The death and horror would be devastating, and who would dare walk under a tree again?  However, experts warn that the effects upon the country’s statues and parked cars could be far, far worse.

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There are times in the writing of this blog when I simply step back and wonder if I am the last sane man. This is one of those times. Never in my life have I linked the words “sexy” and “animals.” Not only do I have to wonder about what type of person would, and not only do I worry about the person who thought to put them together in an exhibit, but I think I would stay far, far away from anyone who would go to see a “sexy animal exhibit.” OK, I like my cat as much as the next guy (as long as the next guy is not going to that sexy animal exhibit) and I think my cat is cute, but that is as far as it goes. I don’t imagine my little Fluffy giving me a come-hither look, nor do I interpret her licking of herself as anything but an attempt to get clean.

On the other hand, I am sure that the writer of that headline has a great sense of humor. “Gorilla Stud”? Inspired.

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It seems like gorillas are not the only simians with smoldering sex appeal. It looks like someone finally snagged that longtime bachelor, Dr. Zaius. What else would you expect? He has power and influence, and owns most of the vast banana plantations around Ape City.

The happy couple met online through J-Date, the Jewish singles dating website. According to his profile, Dr. Zaius likes long walks in the park, sunny days, scientific suppression, and keeping holy secrets. His dislikes include smokers and talking humans.

Mrs. Zaius (nee Yetta Bronstein) likes bananas and playing on her tire swing.

Dr. Zaius in his J-Date profile picture.

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This is what happens when you start with a sexy animals exhibit. Things just get out of control. I was always suspicious about what went on between Wilbur and Mr. Ed, especially the shows where Mr. Ed would wear a wig.

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Now the preceding story makes sense.

What makes an animal unattractive to other animals? Why are these poor creatures left out of the sexy animals exhibition? Alligators are not by any stretch one of nature’s cuter animals, so what makes one less attractive than another? Is there an alligator equivalent of the Miss America contest? Do the alligators wear one-piece swimsuits and blather about how they would end world hunger while showing off their juggling talents?

All that headline proves is that the animal kingdom is no better than us. Ugly guys do not marry the prom queen.

Sorry boys, she’s taken.

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Yes, of course, because not only do sharks hear exactly the way humans hear, and not only does the water do nothing at all to distort the music, but it is a proven scientific fact that creatures of the sea are powerless against the tones of Barry White. This is why Steven Spielberg is a lousy moviemaker. Had Roy Schieder simply played “I am Qualified to Satisfy You” the shark would have headed out to sea to find another shark and Jaws would have had a happy ending. As would the shark.

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Now this makes perfect sense. Just release some mice in the airports and the terrorists would be so scared they’d jump up on the chairs, lift their skirts like 1950’s TV housewives and thus expose the bombs they had hidden under their clothes. Perfect! This puts homeland security in a whole new light. Why muck about with full-body scanners, radiation detectors, and all those security guards when a short trip to the pet shop would be so much simpler and cheaper? Someone call the FAA because I think those scientists are on to something.

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What’s up with Japan?

14 Feb

February 14, 2011

I have always maintained that culturally, Japan is as far away from us as, well, North America is from Japan. To a certain extent I can understand. There is something paradoxical about a culture which so quickly adopted Western garb and certain Western habits while also keeping alive traditional Japanese values. It is not uncommon to see men and women in business attire mixing with people in kimonos and robes at the local marketplace. However, it is hard to give them any kind of a pass when I read things like this:

I see Japanese people in masks around New York too but I simply chalked it up to fear of the bird flu. Turns out I was wrong. To say I don’t get it is to grossly understate it. I shouldn’t be surprised though. Compared to America, huge number of teenagers (and not-so-teenagers) spend entire days and weeks online in cyber-worlds that are more important to them than life itself. It isn’t uncommon to see young Japanese kids styling their hair to emulate their favorite manga or anime characters. OK, so maybe people over here wear Superman t-shirts and get Batman tattoos, but have you ever seen whole age groups dyeing their skin green like the Hulk?

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m making broad, unsubstantiated generalizations.

No I’m not.

Of course, this comes straight out of Japan.

Yeah, strapping yourself into a harness which electrically pulsates will really add “a human-like level” to online conversations. I wonder what the electric chair would add? More to the point, how long before this gets adapted for porn?

What is happening to human to human interaction when people think that a shirt which squeezes you while looking at your mother on a computer screen is the equivalent of a good night hug from your mom before you go to bed?

“For a while technology has been driving people apart, locking them in front of computer screens. Now we hope to use it to bring them together.”

No. All this new technology does is make it easier to be apart! Nothing can compare to another person’s touch, a parent’s embrace. Perhaps what we need is a device that kicks people off their computers so they can spend time with their families and get some genuine human interaction.

Taking this to the logical extreme, once this is perfected, you can take the human out of the equation completely. Once a computer screen and a hug shirt can mimic the human experience, how long until they can be programmed to do it with no person at the other end? Parents can program their computers to play goodnight messages, hug their kids, even tuck them in without all the hassle of actually doing it or even thinking about it. Kids are such a bother.

So why have them? The next step is not to replace the parent, but to replace the child. Why have a real child that poops and cries when you can have your computer mimic one? It can hug you, it can give you “a deep immersive experience.” All you would need is one child and millions of users can “interact” with it via these machines hooked up to computers. And it doesn’t even need to be a real child, just a computer program. Remember, this is the country that gave us the Tomagotchi.

Virtual parents and virtual children. The only upside is that with virtual sex, these losers will die out without ever procreating and maybe this whole stupid idea will become extinct.

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