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John Newly Is Taking Calls (Lying Awake #7)

18 Mar

March 18, 2015

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– Ed from Michigan, you’re next on Lying Awake.

– John?

-Go ahead Ed, I’m listening.

– BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY STERN RULES BAB-*

– Hmm, Ed seemed to be talking in tongues. I wonder if he was possessed. Next up, Brad from New York. Hi Brad, how are you tonight?

– Uh, I’m ok. Um, I’ve got a question for John.

– I’m John, go ahead with your question.

– Well, what I want to know is, why don’t you stick your head up a dead bear’s -*

– Whoa, whoa. Eddie, who’s screening tonight? That’s Fast Eddie, my producer I’m talking to. No one?

(inaudible, off mic.)

– Seriously? Art used to do unscreened open lines all the time? Really?

(inaudible, off mic.)

– Alright, we have time for one more call before the break. Bob, from Bowie Maryland, you’re on Lying Awake.

– BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY HOWARD STERN!

– Sigh, we’ll be right back after these words from all natural herbal formic acid remedies.

– STERN RULES!

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Observational Ketchup

13 Mar

March 13, 2015

At the risk of sounding like a hack observational comedian, I have some questions.

Who decided the size of ketchup packets? There’s not nearly enough in one for your French fries, let alone a hamburger. And mustard packs are even worse- it takes at least three to cover any self-respecting hot dog. Yet mayo packets are larger than either one. Who decided that you should get more mayo than ketchup, and nearly no mustard?

Don’t even get me started on relish.

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