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Beans, Beans The Musical Fruit, The More You Eat, The More You Play Disco Music

12 Jan

January 12, 2011

Of the many things I never expected to read, this was not one of them.

You’ve heard of eine kleine nachtmusik? Here’s eine kleine stomachmusik
 

Meet Fredrik Hjelmqvist.

There’s little I can add to the jokes you must already have come up with.    

 
 

And now for a little stomache music...

 This man gives a new meaning to term “illegal downloads.”

Just imagine a romantic evening. A wonderful dinner, a carriage ride around Central Park, and music emanating from a man’s abdomen. What woman could resist? Sorry. I meant to say, what woman would go near him again?

Beans have long been known as the musical fruit, but swallowing this bean brings it to an entirely new level. Sure, most men have been known to toot a little from time to time, but how many of us have played three-part harmony? Alone, that is.
 
Just think. You find yourself pursued by the police- pop in a capsule of high-speed chase music. In a dark alley? Swallow a pill of ominous bass music. Having sex? Pop a capsule of 70’s porno music. And a Viagra. You can be your own soundtrack!
 
Record someone else’s voice and fool any voice recognition software. Just be sure to have an answer as to why you are holding the phone to your stomach.
 
Of course, an invention like this must have many serious practical applications, one would expect, though they escape me at the moment. Perhaps you can rent him out for parties…?
  

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I Bet He Has a Secret Decoder Ring Too.

13 Dec

December 13, 2010

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.

Well, maybe not. You can’t trust The Simpsons on everything. OK, they got that whole Al Gore/Kang and Kodos conspiracy right, but they totally screwed up the Comic Book Guy/Milhouse/Al-Queda connection.

But there are things that man, as a point of history, has yearned to do and failed. Alchemy aimed to turn lead into gold. Think about it. Really give that some thought. Turning lead into gold would ruin the economy more than the Federal Reserve has already done. If all lead turned into gold, can you imagine how expensive a simple pencil would be? Of course, you’d never buy one because you couldn’t write with it, and without a reliable #2 lead pencil, there goes all the standardized testing in our schools, right out the window.

So maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.

Alchemy isn’t all man has yearned for. Immortality. The secret to eternal life. Walt Disney, whose frosty frozen head allegedly sits in a vault far below the “It’s a Small World” ride wasn’t the first man to want to live forever, nor will he be the last. While science hasn’t yet reached the point of achieving immortality, it has prolonged the average human lifespan, making your choice of nursing home vitally important because you will be spending an awfully long time there.

Which brings us to Nursultan Nazarabyev, the President of Kazakhstan. (Not to be confused with Nursultan Nazarabyev, P.I., Wednesdays on CBS.) If you are anything like me you thought that Borat guy was the President of Kazakhstan, but it turns out that this surly-looking fellow is in charge.

This man must be stopped.

Can you imagine the horrors of immortality? Rich uncles who never die and leave you anything in their wills. Spinster aunts who drop by for Christmas and never leave. Literally, never leave.  Living the next thousand years and seeing the Mets blow it season after season after season. Immortality is an appalling thought.

I suppose that, living in Kazakhstan, there isn’t much else to worry about. The secret of life, kissing frogs to turn them in handsome princes, magic beans, these must all be pretty important over there too.

Of course, if I were already 70 years old, I might have some pressing concerns as well.

Like getting out of Kazakhstan. This poor guy, I can only imagine how he would spend the rest of his immortal life- anywhere but Kazakhstan. That’s why he wants immortality. It is a do-over, a chance to live a life anywhere but Kazakhstan. Like I said, I saw Borat. I know Kazakhstan.

Maybe I am wrong. Perhaps Kazakhstan is an Eden where the President flies on a unicorn and wields a flaming sword. I wouldn’t want to leave that paradise either.

The paradise… of KAZAKHSTAN.

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