Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

March 6, 2013

This has been a bizarre week. Due to recent news trends I’ve been reposting some stuff related to current events. Today was the 177th anniversary of the Alamo, where brave men like Davey Crockett, Daniel Boone, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Matt Huston, PI, and Ed “El” Paso all gave their lives in defense of an old church, thereby totally violating the separation of Church and State. Granted, this post is only vaguely related to Texas, and not at all the Alamo, but the only other story of note today was Valerie Harper’s terminal brain tumor, and speaking as a big fan of Ed Asner, I refuse to make light of her situation.

From October 5, 2010

This is the first of an occasional October series of reports focusing on real life monsters and cryptoids. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In 1995, a series of strange animal deaths caused widespread panic across the farms and rural areas of Puerto Rico. In the initial attacks, eight sheep were found dead, with strange puncture wounds across their bodies. Later, other farm animals and household pets were found dead the same way. In each case, the carcasses were totally drained of blood.

These were the first reports of the Chupacabra, the infamous goat sucking beast.

Why goat sucker? The name was coined by comedian Silverio Pérez, thereby ensuring that no one would take this seriously. Funny guy, that Silverio. In later years he became a motivational speaker. “Hi! I’m Silverio Perez! You may know me as the guy who coined the term goat sucker!” Despite that, he remains a successful entertainer.  (Reports that he named the beast after his mother-in-law are unconfirmed.)

What is a chupacabra? Is it real? How drunk do you have to be to see one?

Chupacabra sightings have been on the upswing across the southwestern United States. Reports vary, but the first descriptions painted the picture of a medium sized, short haired, angry dog.

witness description of chupacabra

However descriptions vary, from a reptilian type of large fanged dog to a more humanoid form. Often, photos of alleged chupacabras show a hairless dog, possibly suffering from mange.

RECENT REPORTED CHUPACABRA SIGHTINGS

• In July 2004, a rancher near San Antonio, Texas, killed a hairless dog-like creature, which was attacking his livestock. This animal was later determined to be a coyote.
• In mid-August 2006, Michelle O’Donnell of Turner, Maine, described an “evil looking” rodent-like animal with fangs that had been found dead alongside a road.
• On January 11, 2008, a sighting was reported at the province of Capiz in the Philippines. Some of the residents from the barangay believed that it was the chupacabras that killed eight chickens. The owner of the chickens saw a dog-like animal attacking his chickens. It was most likely a dog.

Rare surveillance footage of a chupacabra attack

POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS

• a genetically mutated coyote
• NASA experiments
• vampires
• “Bigfoot with fangs”
• those darn teenagers

THE EXPERTS SPEAK

• Loren Coleman is comfortable with the wild dog explanation. A noted expert in unidentified creatures, or “cryptoids,” Coleman has investigated hundreds of chupacabra cases. He finds no evidence of any strange or supernatural creatures.
• CNN’s Ed Lavandera has described the chupacabras as the “Bigfoot of Latino culture.” I’m not sure who should be more insulted by that report, Latino culture or CNN.
• In July 2008, History’s Monster Quest series featured some Texas carcasses, which were determined to be dogs and coyotes

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, there still remain believers. In the words of an eyewitness “I’m not messing around with this thing any more!”

Tags: bmj2k, chupacabram cryptoid, Daniel Boone, Davey Crockett, Ed Lavandera, Halloween, Loren Coleman, Lou Costello, Matt Huston, Monster Quest, Mr. Blog, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Silverio Perez, snoopy, Steve Austin, The Alamo, Valerie Harper, wolf man