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Shop Smart! Shop Keyes Mart!

3 Sep

September 3, 2012

            “Buy This Stuff! We Have Legal Bills!”

Just in time for Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa and any other holiday we can cash in on, Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride is proud to open the shopping section of our web site for our valued customers.

SPECIAL OFFERS!!!!

*FREE SHIPPING AVAILABLE!   (*customer must pay shipping surcharge)

*RUSH DELIVERY GUARANTEED!   (*rush orders guaranteed to ship within three months of payment)

*SPECIFY GIFT WRAP!   (*then go out and buy the wrapping paper you want)

*EASY RETURN POLICY!  (*we don’t accept any)


LITERARY CORNER:

Fresh from the remainder bins at Borders, Kill Whitey is Allen Keyes’ poignant memoir of growing up as an outsider in turbulent 1960’s Schenectady. From his time as founder of the Black Leopard Party, to his stints as henchman in various anarcho-activist groups, to his invention of LSD, Keyes lays bare his soul in this decades-spanning saga.  1,273 pages.  “Allen Keyes pulls no punches. If you want to read a 10-page long lovingly written description of Keyes bludgeoning various people with his signature lead-filled baseball bat, this one is for you. Highest recommendation!” – Christian Science Monitor Review of Books

 Now it can be told! Hollywood icon and abusive father Bing Crosby reveals his life-long “partnership” with his “good friend” Allen Keyes.  From their first meeting at Frank Sinatra’s bathhouse, to the falling out over Keyes advising Crosby to pass on “Singing in the Rain”, Crosby’s memoir is written in regretful, haunting prose.  272 pages, picture insert.  “The Crosby family hereby forbids you from promoting or selling this publication” —  Lawyer for the Crosby Estate

 

The State of New York vs Allen Keyes.  For the first time, the complete set of court transcripts detailing all of Keyes’ various battles with the law are unsealed! Previously unreleased materials include:  Juvenile offender hearing transcripts, suppressed testimony from the butler at the Brooke Astor trial, and the District Attorney’s personal rebuttal to the verdict from the nursing home inquiry. Order by Oct. 1 and received an autographed courtroom sketch! – “This guy…….he’s not my kind of guy”  — Hon. Rudolph Giuliani

 ON THE GO:

Mr.BTR ANALOG EDITION.   No time to read your favorite blog? Too broke to own a digital device or smartphone?  We got you covered! Take Fat Guy, Saturday Comics, Imponderables and the rest of your favorites along with you, anytime, anywhere!  Analog edition comes in monthly or yearly subscription plans.  Portability has never been so fun or useful!  Analog reader sold separately.

LIFESTYLE:

STYLISH BOOKENDS! OUR MOST POPULAR SELLER! Made from the highest quality Newark Lucite, these hip bookends make a statement about your quality of taste and décor. Nothing says understated and elegant like the fat guy! 6×5 in., 3lbs each. Made in China.  Also available in white frame.

GAME MART:

The #1 game in Monaco comes to the United States! Game modes include 1-player, 2-player and 17-player online experience. Rated C. Order by Oct. 1 and receive exclusive code to download the locked Hillbilly Cosplay  level!  Available for Xbox, PS3, Wii or Atari 2600.   “1 out of 10” —– EGM    “What the he—is this crap??” – Editor’s Pick, Xbox Magazine

FASHION CORNER:

ENDORSED BY SNOOKI!  Fashionable Mr.BTR t-shirts! Handcrafted from the finest Egyptian cotton and custom designed by our exclusive stable of artists, these T-shirts are sure to make you the envy of your friends, and THE fashion icon in your neighborhood. Available in a variety of styles.

Mr. Blog’s Picks of the Month:

Jokeclops brand cheap booze! For when you want to get your a$$ ripped!!!  500-proof. “That sh-t knocks me out!” – Lindsey Lohan

Just in time for Christmas! Keyes Kroons Kristmas Ksongs has all your favorite hits, including Kwhite Kristmas, and Kjingle Kbells! Also available as an iTunes download.–  “Timeless, a true American Classic” – Bono, U2

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The Saturday Comics: Wrestling Comics

1 Sep

September 1, 2012

Wrestling is filled with larger than life figures who run around in colorful costumes so a wrestling comic is a natural. Isn’t it?

Yes, but also no.

Heck, I think it is more no than yes.

I’ve been to many WWE shows going way back to the days where they still called themselves WWF. And this is true, I was at Summerslam when Macho Man married Elizabeth at Madison Square Garden. I’ve been to house shows, I been to Raw and Smackdown tapings, and I’ve attended pay-per-view events. Trust me- the fun of wrestling is in being there. Watching it on TV is fun too and no, I have never taken it seriously, believed anything was real (although yes, they get very hurt) and I never, ever, was stupid enough to jump off a roof through a table because I saw it on TV.

But the fun of wrestling is totally lost when you try to translate it to the comic page.

                       

The Big Boss Man and The Mountie. Mainstays of 80’s/90’s WWF. The Boss Man is best remembered (by me) for cooking Al Snow’s little dog and serving it to him disguised as dinner. He also towed the Giant’s father’s casket behind his police car at the funeral while the Giant rode it like a whale rider at Sea World.

Stupid as all that sounds, at least you could watch it happen on TV. But to take that action and translate it to a comic page? And set in the woods? Nah. But hey- that comic included a free 12-page catalog! Back then they sold Hulk Hogan teddy bears!
 

That is an actual photo of legitimate badass wrestler Big Van Vader. And yes, he wore that thing to the ring. When he took it off he was wearing some sort of face gear that made it look like he was wearing a jock strap on his face. So how successful was that comic? The cover promotes that as “the last SENSE-SHATTERING issue!” And please note the look of terror on Rick Rude’s face as Sting prepares to slam him to the mat in the upper left corner.

 

Here’s our buddy The Big Boss Man getting tossed out of The Undertaker’s mansion. What, you don’t believe The Undertaker would live in a mansion? Why not? Even an undead satanic zombie with mystical powers who worshipped an urn with undisclosed ashes inside and seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with lying in coffins had to live somewhere.

 

Here’s the Undertaker again and this time they’ve gone in the completely opposite direction. And way too far. Um, this is a wrestling comic, right?

 

The zombie apocalypse upon you? Who better to have at your side but Triple H, John Cena, and The Undertaker? Hey Vince McMahon- The Walking Dead totally ripped you off!
 

I can spend a whole week just on the bizarre loon who legally changed his name to the Warrior. Want to have fun? Google him and look for the issue of his comic where Santa got raped.

Yeah, you read that right.

But my purpose here is to marvel in disgust in that awful Rob Liefeld-style art. This begs the question- can someone ripping off Rob Liefeld’s style be worse than Rob Liefeld’s actual art?

The Question is Imponderable.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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