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Allan Keyes: Fail Counterfeits!

29 Apr

April 29, 2013

keyes1.jpg

I was just wandering around the web the other day, and I was looking at old Mad Magazine archives – you know, back when Mad was actually funny and a legit part of the counter culture, as opposed to what it is now, a straight establishment hack factory that deserves to be put out of its’ misery. Dave Berg (“The Lighter Side”) and Mort Drucker were giants without compare.  Remember 43 Man Squamish http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/43-Man_Squamish  and Three Cornered Pitney? Yeah. Good times. Once Melvin and Jenkins debuted it was all downhill – but that’s a rant for another day. And believe me, rant I will. Anyway, while checking this stuff out, I came across this from the old Mad board game (which I used to have and am bidding on furiously on Ebay for a set now):

                         d1

Well, one thing led to another and I found myself looking at some sad examples of funny money. Laugh along with me at some of these sad counterfeits!

THE LAZY:

 d2

This one is just lazy. I mean common, did anyone REALLY expect this piece of idiocy to actually pass???  I’d actually give more respect to someone who just Xeroxed a dollar bill and tried to pass it to a colorblind guy. Heck, I’d actually respect this one better, at least they tried.

 d3

 

THE ODD:

 d4

These were actually passed at some Target stores in the Midwest. That the cashiers either didn’t know or care better, makes me weep.  I personally think they believed the bills were legit. But common! I mean NINE Dollars? What a fricking idiot number.  Hey, if you’re going to plaster this guy on a bill, I’d think this one was better:

 d5

But that’s just me. For those of you with a different worldview, here’s an equally stupid one with another President:

 d6

Not sure why $200 dollars, but hey, there you go.

Actually, given the direction of things nowadays, this one is most appropriate:

 d7

 

NOT COUNTERFEIT BUT AWESOME:

 d8

I think KISS actually sucks donkey dong (But Mr. Keyes, why don’t you tell us what you really think!) but I applaud the creativity for this one.

This one made me LOL:

 d9

I actually altered a bill to base off some the characters from Call of Duty, but that attracted “attention” from the ATF.

 And to finish things off, here’s my attempt, as bad as you’d expect:

 rrr

Obviously acceptable in all the finest burger joints across the land.

 

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I Want Candy!

18 Apr

April 18, 2013

I want candy!

I want candy, bubble gum, and taffy
Skip to the sweet shop with my sweetheart Sandy
Got my pennies saved so I’m her sugar daddy
I’m her Hume Cronyn and she’s my Jessica Tandy, I want candy!

put it in a pile, split it with my bitty 50/50 down the line
kinda like close encounters of the cavity kind
im talkin liquorice kisses, talkin chocodile smiles

I want candy, i got a sugar tooth
put on your shin gaurds, Sandy, ’cause i wanna knock boots
lick my peppermint stick til’ the lollipop droops
gumdrop that dont stop til’ its licked knot loose

(ladies)
candy… candy…

i need candy bubble gum, and taffy
get in my way punk, you’re gonna get ya ass beat, nasty
Do it till your dad sees, embarass your family
Just ’cause you came between a kid and his candy
I need candy, any kind’ll do
Don’t care if it’s nutritious or “FDA approved”
It’s gonna make me spaz like bobcats on booze
A hyperactive juice that only I can produce

And fuel a giant drill, bore straight into Hell
Releasing ancient demons from their sleep forever spell
So they can walk upon the earth, and get resituated
And Hock the diet pills that MC Pee Pants has created

I need candy, want some candy, eat candy til’ I’m dead
I’ll kill you for some candy, give me candy, gimme head!
Where you keepin’ all the candy?!
Who made you candy king?!
If you dont give me some candy, I will make the ladies sing!

(ladies)
Candy, in tha morning, candy on the way to school
Candy, at school, at lunch in the afternoon
Candy, in school, on your way home from school
Candy, at diner,at dinner, in bed!

Mess up the mix, mix up the mess
Come on down yo, here’s the address
At 6-1-2 Wharf Avenue,

Right next to, gentlemen’s club.

Thanks MC Chris! I seem to show that video all the time so I thought that for once I’d post the lyrics. OK, so it goes off the rails a little, all that stuff about boring straight to Hell and unleashing demons upon the Earth for his diet pill scheme, but the rest of it? Genius.

Aw Hell, here’s the video. I can’t resist!

At least he’s really talking about candy. Some how I think Bow Wow Wow has something else entirely in mind.

So what got me thinking about candy? Ring Pops. I was shopping with Saarah and at the counter was a display of Ring Pops and we had to have them.

Ring%20Pops

So we bought them and I, looking very stupid, to be honest, slipped a Ring Pop on my finger and started sucking away on it. (Please do not take that last part out of context.) A few things came to mind. 1- They still taste just like they used to- really good. 2- they last forever and I look pretty stupid going into the bakery with one on my finger.

And 3- I used to buy these in summer camp.

Cue the harp music that signifies a flashback is coming up.

In summer camp there was a canteen that sold a lot of stuff, all of it candy or soda. and in those lovely pre-Mommy Bloomberg days,  I could buy a soda the size of Andre the Giant and no one cared. But what I bought all the time, aside from ring pops and ginormous sodas, was Star Wars candy.

Remember this stuff? It was small pellets that came in plastic character heads.
star wars candy
BTW- this is more proof that George Lucas is cheap. See a Han Solo head? A Luke Skywalker head? A Princess Leia head? (Insert your own joke here.) For all the bazillions of dollars Star Wars has made him, this candy only uses characters that pay George Lucas. Ford, Hamill, and Fisher got no royalties from this candy. And that is Lucas’s M.O. Most of what he does revolves around characters whose images he controls. That’s why Darth Vader, Yoda, and a generic Stormtrooper (!) were on the covers of the first special edition videotape releases.
But I digress.
 
Anyway, I loved that candy but until recently I had no idea there was a Return of the Jedi version. Man, I had tons of those dopey little heads. What did I do with them? Well, eventually I threw them out. No good as action figures (no body), no good for keeping stuff in (except candy, and that got eaten), I eventually tossed out about 100 of those things.
 
I am very lucky I never got diabetes from all that sugar.
 
Maybe Nanny Bloomberg has a point.
 
Nah.
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