July 19, 2013
Mr. Belvedere was an American sitcom that ran on ABC from 1985 to 1990. Christopher Hewett played Mr. Belvedere, a proper British butler who unexpectedly showed up on the doorstep of a typical boorish American family. Hilarity ensued. Quite honestly, George Owens, the head of the family and Mr. Belvedere’s comic foil, was Bob Uecker’s greatest role. And I’m counting the films he played himself in.
The show is almost 30 years old now and I don’t even know if it is in reruns any more, but a small part of the show lives on. In an episode of 30 Rock from just a few seasons ago, Liz Lemon, talking about one of her stupider coworkers, said “I was there the time he Belvedered!” While no explanation was given, I can tell you the story, and what it means to Belvedere.
Christopher Hewett was on set rehearsing a scene one day when he sat down, and suddenly screamed in pain, jumped up, and then collapsed. An ambulance had to be called to take him to the hospital. Did his appendix burst? Did he have a cerebral aneurism? Had he simply gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? No, he sat on his own testicles.
Sorry Mr. Belvedere, that’s not the right place for that compress.
And now, with that bit of Hollywood background, on to the 101st Imponderable.
I’ll link to the story at the end, I prefer to tell this one myself.
Wesley Warren Jr., not a small man, rolled over in his sleep one night and, in what is a million to one chance, he Belvedered. Totally crushed the ol’ circus peanuts. He was rushed to the hospital where he was given antibiotics for his swollen sac, but they continued to grow, and grow, and swell, and swell, until – hang on to your hats!- his balls reached 140 POUNDS. How this man’s scrotum did not explode is beyond me. Even The Incredible Hulk’s testicles bulk up in proportion to the rest of his body.
Yes, this man had big balls, massive balls, his balls were the biggest balls of them all!
Just hit play and let that song go on as you read.
Anyway, and while this is no laughing matter I am laughing my head off, to go outside, Wesley Warren Jr. (not to be confused with Wesley Warren the football player who plays for the hysterically named Jacksonville Gamecocks) had to find an alternative for pants, because by now his testicles were larger than most watermelons. So what did he do?
Did he:
A- Cart them around in a wheelbarrow?
B- Design a sling so that he could support his balls with a rope around his neck?
C- Hire a young boy to help hold his balls as he walked?
Correct! The answer is none of the above. What he did was wear a hoodie sweatshirt as pants, with the hood supporting his testicles.
Yowtch!
I wonder if he simply considered a dress. Well, eventually even this fashionable solution proved to be too little help, as his daily life got worse and worse. I can only imagine this guy trying to use a urinal. Anyway, he eventually got an operation to remove his testicles and turn him back to a normal man.
A normal man with a one-inch penis. (And no testicles.)
And as you can imagine, he is suing. I assume he is suing the doctors, not his swollen sac. (Which, BTW, he wanted to put on eBay.)
If there is a lesson in all of this, it must be this: DO NOT SIT ON YOUR BALLS.
You can find the whole funny tale here: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/real_life/4977903/Man-with-10st-testicles-unhappy-as-removal-leaves-him-with-1inch-penis.html
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