Archive | August, 2013

My Next TV Pitch

7 Aug

August 7, 2013

Last year I pitched my sure-fire, can’t-miss movie to Hollywood. Hamsterus, the touching story of a boy and his giant mutated hamster, was passed on by every studio in California, plus two in Argentina. Well, I don’t give up easily, so here is my next big Hollywood idea, a TV series that I am sure is going to be a hit. Here is the first part of my brief treatment of the first act of your new favorite show. Enjoy!

PRESIDENT HOBO

Act 1
Scene 1

Washington DC at night. Streets are deserted. A police car slowly drives through a rundown area, its spotlight picking out dark spots and bleak shadows. Suddenly the police car stops and the spotlight stays fixed on a group of garbage cans.

VOICE OF OFFICER ONE ON POLICE RADIO (crackle of static): We found him. I repeat, The President has been found.

Slow close up on garbage cans. Camera moves around cans to reveal a bum sleeping behind the cans, his clothes little more than rags, his face unshaven for weeks.

Two police officers get out of the car and walk toward the President.

OFFICER ONE: I am so tired of this. How does he keep getting away?

OFFICER TWO: I don’t care but this time they better give him a shower. I’m sick and tired of going home smelling like Presidential stank.

The officers pick him up and not-so-carefully drop him in the back of their squad car.

Seal_Of_The_President_Of_The_United_States_Of_America

Act 1
Scene 2

The White House, the Oval Office.
REX MARGIN and LOLA SAMPLE are pacing the office, BRENDA SITSWELL sits behind the president’s desk with a can of wax.

BRENDA: I wish he’d stop carving his initials in the desk.

REX: I just wish he’s spell them right.

Two Secret Service agents enter the office, propping up PRESIDENT HOBO between them.

AGENT ONE: Look who’s back.

They drop him on the couch.

AGENT TWO: Timber!

REX MARGIN: Thanks fellas, take the rest of the night off. And don’t forget- this never happened.

AGENT ONE: Again.

REX: What?

AGENT ONE: This never happened again. Just like it never happened last week or three times last month.

LOLA SAMPLE: That’s enough officer, you’re dismissed.

The agents leave. LOLA, REX, and BRENDA gather around the couch, where PRESIDENT HOBO lays snoring and clutching an empty whiskey bottle.

REX: You guys know I didn’t vote for him, right?

president hobo

What do you think? It’s going to be huge, right? I can’t wait for this to go into production. Networks love political dramas, and this one is topical and has a dash of comedy. I know that after this, Hollywood execs will be lined up at my door. I can’t wait!

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I admit it. I failed.

6 Aug

August 6, 2013

I tried to write a blog for today but I just couldn’t. I have writer’s block and – worse! I turned to the internet for writing prompts. The last time I did this was almost exactly four years ago when I came across the horrible, horrible Creative Writing Tips from Dakota State University, Madison, South Dakota.

I went to google and did a search for “offbeat writing prompts.” While I was there, the NSA read all of my email, copied all of my passwords, and recorded all the documents on my hard drive, including the fan letter I wrote to Carly Rae Jepsen which I SWEAR is just a joke, really, I wasn’t going to send that!

Anyway, here is a list of 11 Offbeat College Essay Topics which I am going to use in the coming days. All of these were actually asked for by real colleges around this great land of ours, God help us all:

1. How do you feel about Wednesday? (University of Chicago, 2002)

2. What outrages you? (Wake Forest, 2009) (I should let Keyes take this one.)

3. Write a haiku, limerick, or short poem that best represents you. (NYU, 2009)

4. In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line. (NYU, 2009)

5. Are we alone? (Tufts, 2009)

6. What is college for? (Hampshire College, 2009) (Notice they did not ask “what is college good for?”)

7. Please describe a daily routine or tradition of yours that may seem ordinary to others but holds special meaning for you. Why is this practice significant to you? (Barnard, 2009)

8. Make a bold prediction about something in the year 2020 that no one else has made a bold prediction about. (University of Virginia, 1999)(Veal-loving elves!)

9. Write a short story using one of the following titles: a.) House of Cards, b.)The Poor Sport, c.) Drama at the Prom, d.) Election Night, 2044, e.) The Getaway. (Tufts, 2009)

10. How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.) (Chicago, 2009)

11. You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit Page 217. (UPenn, 2009)

Now if I were making the list, it would include:

 Who the Hell do you think you are?

What the fuck?

Are you talking to me?

Anyway, I’m going to get to work on these essays, just as soon as I finish that Carly Rae Jepson letter.

 

Sigh... oh Carly, my Carly...

Sigh… oh Carly, my Carly…

 

 

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