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Mr. Know-It-All: Parental Discretion Disregarded

13 Apr

April 13, 2011

RATED M for mature. (And S for stupid.)
This blog contains mature themes and immature subject matter.
Reader discretion is advised.
Adjust your disgust accordingly.

Hey gang, your old pal Mr. Know-It-All is back and man, what a dump this place is. I stumbled back to the office and my key wouldn’t even fit in the lock anymore. At least I think it was my key, who the hell knows? You find so many things in your underwear when you wake up under an old Chevy that you never really know what belongs to you and what belongs to the homeless crackhead you bought the underwear from.

Anyway, I’m back to put some meaning in your stupid lives. Let’s get this ghetto caravan rolling with some letters from Dear Abby, or as I like to call her, That Old Bitch.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman I’ll call “Shannon” for a year and a half. She has most things that I want in a partner, and I often feel she’s better than I deserve. We’re in our early 30s, and Shannon is saying she will soon need some kind of idea where we are going in the future.

I’m having trouble with the notion of committing to her forever because I’m still attracted to other women. (I haven’t been involved with anyone else since starting to date her.) More worrisome, I’m afraid I’ll meet someone I’m more attracted to a few years down the road.

How can I be sure that Shannon will make me happier than anyone else I might meet in the future? — CONFLICTED IN WASHINGTON STATE

Jesus H. Christ! Hey, colostomy bag, what kind of freak are you? You are “afraid” you’ll meet someone you’re more attracted to down the road? Goddamn right you will! This two-bagger you are worried about will be old and dumpy one day- maybe she already is, I don’t know what kind of loser you are. But you know what? Eighteen year-olds are forever. And guess what else? There are always more eighteen year-olds when they get old and skanky. Man isn’t meant to be married to one woman forever. Just ask Mr. Know-It-All, that’s what alimony is for. Lift up your balls, toss that jizzpot Shannon out the door and start banging some cheerleaders. Blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs, and the agility to bend around the corner. That is what you want in a partner.

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DEAR ABBY: When one person owes another person an apology, does it count as a legitimate apology if the word “but” is tacked on at the end? I think adding “but” takes away from the admission of fault and places the blame back on the person owed the apology. Am I right? — WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY

I am sorry. I really want to answer your question but you are a dick. See? You are right.

But you’re still a dick.

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Hi teens. I took this letter from Seventeen magazine but it seems like it was written by a seven year old with severe brain damage.

If you go to a guys house to do it (at like night) should u/would u/can u stay the night?

Oh fuck no. Get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Who wants you around? Look, Mr. Know-It-All has enough problems without you stealing his Thai sticks while he’s asleep. The last time I let someone sleep over I woke up missing a kidney. Go home. Or better yet, go to a clinic. After sex with me you’ll need some penicillin.

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Next up is Miss Manners. Mr. Know-It-All figures that she must be over a thousand years old, why isn’t she married? Oh yeah, because she is totally annoying.

Dear Miss Manners,

Is chivalry dead? My husband of nearly three years seems to have missed some of the classes.

When a couple is at a restaurant, isn’t it proper to allow the woman to give her dinner order first? Likewise, when a couple is entering or exiting a restaurant, shouldn’t the man follow the woman or walk side-by-side?

If I’m right, how do I approach him to consider improving his manners without forgetting mine?

Chivalry? What the fuck are you talking about? Not only is it dead, but it was resurrected in some voodoo ritual only to be killed again. Who cares who walks where behind who? OK, Mr. Know-It-All likes to walk behind women to look at their asses- and any guy who says otherwise is a liar- but chivalry? God damn it, isn’t it enough that your husband took you out in the first place? You ungrateful whore. Get back in the kitchen and bake him a pie. Let you order first? A real man wouldn’t let you talk at all. Who needs you opening your mouth unless it is ready to do some good to my droopy trooper? And what kind of marriage do you have where you are afraid to approach him about this? I hope he smacks the crap out of you.

(Editor’s Note- The Editor’s and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride in no way condone violence, no matter what you think.)

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That’s it for this week. Mr. Know-It-All has to meet a guy behind a dumpster before the cops read this.

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